It didn't work. Again.
I don't have anything positive or good to say right now so I'm just going to hibernate until I find a corner of myself to gather the strength from to continue.
Another FET in a couple of months. I don't hold any hope of it working. Just going through the motions.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Retrieval and transfer
Here I sit writing this with 2 little embryo's inside me, percolating, attaching or dying... who knows? They're the most perfectly round little blobs. 2 little worlds, one of whom (at least) that I hope will enter my world.
This wait is different from the others. I'm vowing to be positive and believe that this process can and will work. On the other hand I'm feeling so scared that it won't work because it didn't before. I know all of this is totally normal but it's so tormenting.
One thing is for sure and that is "I'm so ready for this!". Gone are 100% of the fears that I had going into it: The worries about diminished social life, sleepless nights, being overwhelmed by responsibility... finances.... men even!! Just bring it on because I'm going to be just fine. We are going to be just fine.
The whole stimulation process was very different from the last time... more uncomfortable, more bloated. Retrieval was more painful, there were more eggs!! Lots of more. 15 eggs. 10 went on to fertilize. 5 made it to blasts with another 2 or 3 they think might have become blasts on day 6. (Will find out later this week.) That's 7/10 which I think is pretty impressive!
Luckily all 5 were Grade A (one slightly more magnificent than the other 4) so the decision of which 2 to put in was obvious.
The lovely RE who performed the transfer was reassuring, she was a little concerned about transferring two such beauties into my unicornuate uterus but I insisted that it was the right decision as I don't appear to have the best quality embies (none of them having stuck last time.) She agreed particularly after she saw my uterus and claimed it to be of a very good size for its affliction. She claimed that by looking at it you'd never be able to tell that it wasn't a whole uterus. Apparently she can often times see that it's smaller on the ultrasound although diagnosis this way is impossible. That was so reassuring to me I can't even put it into words.
So now it's the waiting game... and the hoping game and the noticing every twitch your body makes game. 8 days to go. Stick baby stick!
This wait is different from the others. I'm vowing to be positive and believe that this process can and will work. On the other hand I'm feeling so scared that it won't work because it didn't before. I know all of this is totally normal but it's so tormenting.
One thing is for sure and that is "I'm so ready for this!". Gone are 100% of the fears that I had going into it: The worries about diminished social life, sleepless nights, being overwhelmed by responsibility... finances.... men even!! Just bring it on because I'm going to be just fine. We are going to be just fine.
The whole stimulation process was very different from the last time... more uncomfortable, more bloated. Retrieval was more painful, there were more eggs!! Lots of more. 15 eggs. 10 went on to fertilize. 5 made it to blasts with another 2 or 3 they think might have become blasts on day 6. (Will find out later this week.) That's 7/10 which I think is pretty impressive!
Luckily all 5 were Grade A (one slightly more magnificent than the other 4) so the decision of which 2 to put in was obvious.
The lovely RE who performed the transfer was reassuring, she was a little concerned about transferring two such beauties into my unicornuate uterus but I insisted that it was the right decision as I don't appear to have the best quality embies (none of them having stuck last time.) She agreed particularly after she saw my uterus and claimed it to be of a very good size for its affliction. She claimed that by looking at it you'd never be able to tell that it wasn't a whole uterus. Apparently she can often times see that it's smaller on the ultrasound although diagnosis this way is impossible. That was so reassuring to me I can't even put it into words.
So now it's the waiting game... and the hoping game and the noticing every twitch your body makes game. 8 days to go. Stick baby stick!
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I'm breaking up with you....
Yesterday I got a call from the clinic asking me when my vials were arriving for my upcoming retrieval. When I informed them that they should already have a vial of my donor in house as I sent 2 over to them for the last treatment there was a nervous silence followed by an "I'll get back to you."
Turns out that their protocol is to thaw 2 vials of ICI no matter whether they need them both or not. They put the sperm through 2 washings for IVF and this kills a lot of them. I still find it hard to believe that with an average count of 23 million they'd need to thaw a second vial.
The worst part of this all was that I wasn't informed that this had happened until yesterday - day 4 of stims.
My donor was out of all product except ART vials which they don't want at the clinic. I also had had a feeling that it might be time to change donors but when the reality set in that I would actually have to select a new one I just wanted to throw up. How on earth would I manage this in just 48 hours??!!
The clinic were apologetic for their oversight in not informing me I was out of vials. They say that they will change their protocol for people using donor sperm and verbally inform them of their 2 vial protocol up front.
I called the Sperm bank and explained my dilemma and they were amazing. They gave me 3 days free full access so that I could make a selection.
With sweaty palms and a slight sense of mourning I said goodbye to my original donor. It was the easiest break up I've ever had... :)
3 hours later, after having put 8 potential matches in my favorite folder I found him! I knew it the minute I read that he had a family already and then saw his picture. I even listened to his entire interview (something I'd never been interested to do before.) I like him so much more than my original choice even.
So what started off as a very stressful day ended up happily with my new and hopefully improved potential donor daddy winging his way to my clinic.
If only finding a boyfriend was this easy!!
Turns out that their protocol is to thaw 2 vials of ICI no matter whether they need them both or not. They put the sperm through 2 washings for IVF and this kills a lot of them. I still find it hard to believe that with an average count of 23 million they'd need to thaw a second vial.
The worst part of this all was that I wasn't informed that this had happened until yesterday - day 4 of stims.
My donor was out of all product except ART vials which they don't want at the clinic. I also had had a feeling that it might be time to change donors but when the reality set in that I would actually have to select a new one I just wanted to throw up. How on earth would I manage this in just 48 hours??!!
The clinic were apologetic for their oversight in not informing me I was out of vials. They say that they will change their protocol for people using donor sperm and verbally inform them of their 2 vial protocol up front.
I called the Sperm bank and explained my dilemma and they were amazing. They gave me 3 days free full access so that I could make a selection.
With sweaty palms and a slight sense of mourning I said goodbye to my original donor. It was the easiest break up I've ever had... :)
3 hours later, after having put 8 potential matches in my favorite folder I found him! I knew it the minute I read that he had a family already and then saw his picture. I even listened to his entire interview (something I'd never been interested to do before.) I like him so much more than my original choice even.
So what started off as a very stressful day ended up happily with my new and hopefully improved potential donor daddy winging his way to my clinic.
If only finding a boyfriend was this easy!!
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Here we go again...
I'm officially back on the IVF train. For some reason I'm finding it so much more stressful than last time. This must be because last time I was sure that IVF would work for me... this time - not so much.
Insomnia hit me hard on Friday night knowing that I would be back to injecting my belly the next day. I had dreams about Q-caps and actually had to watch a video on mixing menopur and follistim on you tube to shut my brain up. It didn't work. So. Much. Anxiety.
This is all a surprise to me as I'm not a person that suffers from anxiety. I guess it's all just caught up with me finally.
There's not much to tell. I got through the shot seamlessly although I did leave a bruise so I need to work on my skills as last time I didn't bruise til the last few shots.
In other areas of life things are good. I'm day dreaming of a move and starting my own business. This plan could happen whether baby comes or not.
I'm sick of working for other people and whilst the workload of opening my own business has scared me off up until now, I'm finally ready to take it on. I'm good at what I do and I know after years of working in the service industry that I could be successful. But not here. Where I live now is prohibitive to my budget. Plus I am beginning to loathe winter. I need a place in the sun.
Whether it happens or not it's a nice B plan to think about. A dream that proves that my life is not over if this 2nd round of IVF doesn't work.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Update
I've been quiet. Very quiet. But it is time to update and get back to blog life a little bit.
Here's what's been happening:
My first FET didn't take. I was disappointed but felt confident as I still had two embryo's left. I requested to transfer them on my natural cycle as this was the only thing that I hadn't tried yet. It was a last ditch attempt as I was out of money. Sadly this too didn't take.
During this time I took a break from blogging and the forum, finding neither of the outlets particularly supportive or useful. I felt that every time I posted in the IVF thread there was always someone with a 'louder voice' that posted constantly and drowned out the voices of those of us who quietly plod along and just need some affirmation once in a while (as opposed to hourly!) Blogging feels like it falls into an abyss also so I took comfort elsewhere.
But now I'm back. I have miraculously found someone willing to sponsor my next IVF attempt. My Dr feels that it's worth another try with my own eggs. I'm sticking with my donor as he had a good fertilization report and just praying in a non religious way that this time it works out.
I look back on how I felt in the thinking stage and how I thought my biggest problem would be how to explain my growing body to people in and around my workplace. How worrying about others opinions or explaining my childs conception story to them was forefront in my mind. Now, 8 failed attempts later I'd love to have those problems. My priorities have shifted from those worries to the worry of never becoming a Mother. What will I do if this doesn't work? I am a B planner but I am currently not willing to put any of the wheels of my B plans into motion.
I want to believe in my body, believe that in spite of it's deformed uterus and old eggs that it can still do it. Here's to hoping for that miracle.
Here's what's been happening:
My first FET didn't take. I was disappointed but felt confident as I still had two embryo's left. I requested to transfer them on my natural cycle as this was the only thing that I hadn't tried yet. It was a last ditch attempt as I was out of money. Sadly this too didn't take.
During this time I took a break from blogging and the forum, finding neither of the outlets particularly supportive or useful. I felt that every time I posted in the IVF thread there was always someone with a 'louder voice' that posted constantly and drowned out the voices of those of us who quietly plod along and just need some affirmation once in a while (as opposed to hourly!) Blogging feels like it falls into an abyss also so I took comfort elsewhere.
But now I'm back. I have miraculously found someone willing to sponsor my next IVF attempt. My Dr feels that it's worth another try with my own eggs. I'm sticking with my donor as he had a good fertilization report and just praying in a non religious way that this time it works out.
I look back on how I felt in the thinking stage and how I thought my biggest problem would be how to explain my growing body to people in and around my workplace. How worrying about others opinions or explaining my childs conception story to them was forefront in my mind. Now, 8 failed attempts later I'd love to have those problems. My priorities have shifted from those worries to the worry of never becoming a Mother. What will I do if this doesn't work? I am a B planner but I am currently not willing to put any of the wheels of my B plans into motion.
I want to believe in my body, believe that in spite of it's deformed uterus and old eggs that it can still do it. Here's to hoping for that miracle.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Awaiting my FET
I've managed to enjoy the last couple of weeks in a genuine fashion.
When the nurse asked me about trying this cycle I hesitated and then confessed it was because I just wanted to be able to enjoy one week where I could have a couple of glasses of wine and act like a normal woman enjoying the Summer! She told me that I could go ahead and indulge... that the embryo's were safe and that so long as I stopped drinking when I started progesterone I'd be just fine!
So, whilst alcohol isn't the be all and end all to having a good time and I certainly don't drink very much it was nice to be able to go out and socialize without having to make up excuses as to why I wouldn't have a glass of wine. Admittedly, it takes me an hour + to drink one glass so I'm no bartenders dream client anyways!
What have I done with my week of freedom? I've seen live music, been to the beach, dipped in the ocean at 3am, had a house filled with lovely guests and gone to bed waaaay too late and enjoyed every second. Still telling nobody that I'm popping estrogen pills and wearing a patch on my abdomen in preparation for my FET later next month. It's incredible how much better I feel with nobody knowing. The pressure is off in a way I can't quite explain.
I've even asked friends not to talk to me about it whilst I'm taking a break (other than fellow SMC's with whom I'm happy to talk!)
So next week I go for my blood work and ultrasound to ensure that I haven't ovulated (I still can't wrap my head around why they don't just follow the natural cycle of the body but I guess they're the experts!) Then it's back on the Crinone and transfer a few days later.
And then, once again, I wait.
When the nurse asked me about trying this cycle I hesitated and then confessed it was because I just wanted to be able to enjoy one week where I could have a couple of glasses of wine and act like a normal woman enjoying the Summer! She told me that I could go ahead and indulge... that the embryo's were safe and that so long as I stopped drinking when I started progesterone I'd be just fine!
So, whilst alcohol isn't the be all and end all to having a good time and I certainly don't drink very much it was nice to be able to go out and socialize without having to make up excuses as to why I wouldn't have a glass of wine. Admittedly, it takes me an hour + to drink one glass so I'm no bartenders dream client anyways!
What have I done with my week of freedom? I've seen live music, been to the beach, dipped in the ocean at 3am, had a house filled with lovely guests and gone to bed waaaay too late and enjoyed every second. Still telling nobody that I'm popping estrogen pills and wearing a patch on my abdomen in preparation for my FET later next month. It's incredible how much better I feel with nobody knowing. The pressure is off in a way I can't quite explain.
I've even asked friends not to talk to me about it whilst I'm taking a break (other than fellow SMC's with whom I'm happy to talk!)
So next week I go for my blood work and ultrasound to ensure that I haven't ovulated (I still can't wrap my head around why they don't just follow the natural cycle of the body but I guess they're the experts!) Then it's back on the Crinone and transfer a few days later.
And then, once again, I wait.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
First IVF fail.
So there it is. My first try with IVF was a no go.
Progesterone is a cruel bitch. Impossibly sore breasts, cramps and fatigue. I told myself the whole time it was just the progesterone but I had this little bit of hope behind it which was dashed 6 days post transfer when I awoke with no symptoms. I just knew then it had failed.
Not being a tester I found myself unable to wait it out and bought an FRER. Obviously negative. If I'd have waited for the nurse to call the next day with the Beta results I'd have been on my way to work. I needed time to digest on my own.
I slept for 3 days and worked in the gaps where I was awake. By the 4th day I had a friend in town and made plans to cheer myself up. I did not cry.
An IVF fail was so much worse for me than an IUI fail. Not least because I've sunk so much financially into it but more because it feels like the end of the line.
I have taken comfort in the fact that so many people go on to have success with FETs (and I have 3 embryo's in the freezer!) At $3250 a try that's no joke either. Once these 3 are used up that may be all I can do and that terrifies me.
I had my follow up appointment with my RE (is that what you call the IVF Dr?) and he said that he sees no reason why this wouldn't work for me. I respond well to everything and my endometrial lining is good. He said that he believes one of those frozen embies has a very good chance of becoming a baby.
It's just getting hard to become hopeful you know?
I considered taking a break for a month so I could enjoy the Summer but my Mother convinced me... "You're in it now so you may as well keep going". So here I am. I've told everyone I'm taking a break to get the meds out of my system. EVERYONE! Except my Mother and a real life SMC friend. And anyone reading this blog. It'll be nice to do it without friends asking me about it. I've not felt like this before now, however lately I've felt people's sympathy more than their hope that it'll work next time. Like me, they all thought IVF would be my magical solution.
So onwards I go to a private attempt at FET! Estrace started and a patch is on my belly complete with a piece of cat hair I just found stuck to it. Lovely!
Will enjoy some wine this weekend as the nurse told me I can't do any harm and my transfer isn't til 2nd week of August. The waiting game has begun.
Progesterone is a cruel bitch. Impossibly sore breasts, cramps and fatigue. I told myself the whole time it was just the progesterone but I had this little bit of hope behind it which was dashed 6 days post transfer when I awoke with no symptoms. I just knew then it had failed.
Not being a tester I found myself unable to wait it out and bought an FRER. Obviously negative. If I'd have waited for the nurse to call the next day with the Beta results I'd have been on my way to work. I needed time to digest on my own.
I slept for 3 days and worked in the gaps where I was awake. By the 4th day I had a friend in town and made plans to cheer myself up. I did not cry.
An IVF fail was so much worse for me than an IUI fail. Not least because I've sunk so much financially into it but more because it feels like the end of the line.
I have taken comfort in the fact that so many people go on to have success with FETs (and I have 3 embryo's in the freezer!) At $3250 a try that's no joke either. Once these 3 are used up that may be all I can do and that terrifies me.
I had my follow up appointment with my RE (is that what you call the IVF Dr?) and he said that he sees no reason why this wouldn't work for me. I respond well to everything and my endometrial lining is good. He said that he believes one of those frozen embies has a very good chance of becoming a baby.
It's just getting hard to become hopeful you know?
I considered taking a break for a month so I could enjoy the Summer but my Mother convinced me... "You're in it now so you may as well keep going". So here I am. I've told everyone I'm taking a break to get the meds out of my system. EVERYONE! Except my Mother and a real life SMC friend. And anyone reading this blog. It'll be nice to do it without friends asking me about it. I've not felt like this before now, however lately I've felt people's sympathy more than their hope that it'll work next time. Like me, they all thought IVF would be my magical solution.
So onwards I go to a private attempt at FET! Estrace started and a patch is on my belly complete with a piece of cat hair I just found stuck to it. Lovely!
Will enjoy some wine this weekend as the nurse told me I can't do any harm and my transfer isn't til 2nd week of August. The waiting game has begun.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Transfer complete!
The transfer has happened... I am now carrying a tiny little embryo and hoping beyond hope that it finds a good place to rest and makes a Mother out of me. I've done all I can do and now I wait for 9 long days to see if this little blob becomes a baby!
It's totally mind blowing that this could be the first picture of a human that comes to being... and even if it doesn't, this is the way my child will come to me. I'll have a picture just like this of it.
I never knew that I could think a blob could be so perfect looking...
Now time to distract myself.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Retrieval...
I had my retrieval yesterday. I was a bag of nerves. I'm such a wuss mentally about general anesthetic but then when I saw how quickly the lady in front of me was 'processed' I started to relax a bit.
I was very impressed with the customer service... I got to meet the anesthesiologist, the surgeon, the assisting nurses and the lab technician who was fertilizing the eggs. The nurse found my vein pretty quickly (miracle!) and generally they all put me at ease...
Before I knew it I was out of surgery and dreaming that I was at work. They retrieved 8 eggs and I found out today that 7 of them successfully fertilized. I'm very happy with those odds!
They're hoping that my little embryo's will make it to blast so that would mean that my transfer will be on Tuesday. I'm tentatively scheduled for Sunday just in case 3 day is my option. My fingers, toes and yes, legs are firmly crossed that I have some left to freeze so that I hopefully don't have to go through this again.
IVF is such a miracle to me. I remember being a child and hearing about test tube babies and thinking it sounded so peculiar and amazing. Little did I know that all these years later I would be benefiting from this very technology.
So here's to my little embryo's... sending all of my positive energy to make them strong enough to come and hang out in my uterus for 9 months!
I was very impressed with the customer service... I got to meet the anesthesiologist, the surgeon, the assisting nurses and the lab technician who was fertilizing the eggs. The nurse found my vein pretty quickly (miracle!) and generally they all put me at ease...
Before I knew it I was out of surgery and dreaming that I was at work. They retrieved 8 eggs and I found out today that 7 of them successfully fertilized. I'm very happy with those odds!
They're hoping that my little embryo's will make it to blast so that would mean that my transfer will be on Tuesday. I'm tentatively scheduled for Sunday just in case 3 day is my option. My fingers, toes and yes, legs are firmly crossed that I have some left to freeze so that I hopefully don't have to go through this again.
IVF is such a miracle to me. I remember being a child and hearing about test tube babies and thinking it sounded so peculiar and amazing. Little did I know that all these years later I would be benefiting from this very technology.
So here's to my little embryo's... sending all of my positive energy to make them strong enough to come and hang out in my uterus for 9 months!
Monday, June 30, 2014
My internal testicles.
I'm in full swing... been injecting my poor belly daily for 11 days now. First day was scary... I was so scared to do something wrong but thanks to the power of Google I was able to find a video that wasn't confusing. Now I'm a pro.
The shots at the start (follistim with menopur) aren't bad at all... you barely feel them. Side effects were minimal for the first 10 days... then they added Cetrotide to stop me from Ovulating early. It stings after you inject it and it's a much bigger shot... goes bright red and lumpy! Today was my last day of that which is when they informed me that it is a lot less uncomfortable if you ice the area down first for 5 mins... OMG... night and day... was so much easier today and didn't feel as though I'd been stung by 100 wasps... (just 2!) So remember that tip if you ever need it!
Yesterday I had a meltdown at work over something very trivial. I'm usually a pro at checking my problems at the door. My boss smelled a rat and wanted to know if I would like to talk about it. I told her (sobbed more like) what I'm doing, about how irrationally hormonal I feel and that I've no control over my tears apparently. She was so relieved and happy! Amazingly supportive... so now I no longer have to worry about taking time off for the retrieval or anything else that may come up. I've been there for 5 years and gone through a lot in that time and never cracked... she actually found it quite amusing... particularly as I'm mortified that my emotions are so close to the surface right now!
I'm glad that's out in the open... meanwhile I feel like I have two giant testicles inside me that are thumping their way out... which is good news as it means that my follicles are nice and big and my ovaries are stretching. I look slightly pregnant and sucking in my poor bruised stomach is not an option.
Still doing acupuncture... last shots today... triggering tomorrow and the retrieval on Thursday. I remain scared but also excited to get this show on the road.
I hope it works, i.hope.it.works, ihopeitworks!
The shots at the start (follistim with menopur) aren't bad at all... you barely feel them. Side effects were minimal for the first 10 days... then they added Cetrotide to stop me from Ovulating early. It stings after you inject it and it's a much bigger shot... goes bright red and lumpy! Today was my last day of that which is when they informed me that it is a lot less uncomfortable if you ice the area down first for 5 mins... OMG... night and day... was so much easier today and didn't feel as though I'd been stung by 100 wasps... (just 2!) So remember that tip if you ever need it!
Yesterday I had a meltdown at work over something very trivial. I'm usually a pro at checking my problems at the door. My boss smelled a rat and wanted to know if I would like to talk about it. I told her (sobbed more like) what I'm doing, about how irrationally hormonal I feel and that I've no control over my tears apparently. She was so relieved and happy! Amazingly supportive... so now I no longer have to worry about taking time off for the retrieval or anything else that may come up. I've been there for 5 years and gone through a lot in that time and never cracked... she actually found it quite amusing... particularly as I'm mortified that my emotions are so close to the surface right now!
I'm glad that's out in the open... meanwhile I feel like I have two giant testicles inside me that are thumping their way out... which is good news as it means that my follicles are nice and big and my ovaries are stretching. I look slightly pregnant and sucking in my poor bruised stomach is not an option.
Still doing acupuncture... last shots today... triggering tomorrow and the retrieval on Thursday. I remain scared but also excited to get this show on the road.
I hope it works, i.hope.it.works, ihopeitworks!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Moving Forward...
I've been quiet because I've been in a holding pattern and have been coming to terms with the fact that the journey to conception is not going to be as easy as I thought.
I made appointments with two IVF clinics so that I could select the one that was the best fit for me. I ended up cancelling the second one because I loved the first one so much and also because they wanted me to FAX everything to them. They refused to accept scanned and emailed documents. I told them that I got rid of my Fax machine in the 90's and wasn't about to get one now... I don't even have a land line and have tried to turn my PC into a fax machine before with no success.
I digress... my chosen clinic made me feel really good about everything. They weren't daunted by my strange Uterus... just said that they'd only transfer single embryo's. He's happy with my numbers, doesn't put too much credence in AMH and said that there was no need to do PGD. Said that the cost doesn't outweigh the risks or the benefits. Fine with me.
I had to take out financing because I've blown through my savings and didn't have the extra 8000 hanging around that I needed to make this happen.
I didn't have to take birth control pills which I was so happy about as they've never much agreed with me - started on Estrace about a week ago and currently awaiting my period (due yesterday.) So typical that it would be late when I'm normally clockwork. Wondering if it might be the Estrace that's set it back? Once it arrives everything sets in motion... start Follistim and Menopur injections and then the monitoring etc.
I'm nervous... all my eggs are in this basket so to speak and I'm petrified that it will fail...
I keep telling myself one day at a time... it's all I can do. So my fingers and toes (but not my legs) are crossed... I'll update a little more now that something is happening.
I made appointments with two IVF clinics so that I could select the one that was the best fit for me. I ended up cancelling the second one because I loved the first one so much and also because they wanted me to FAX everything to them. They refused to accept scanned and emailed documents. I told them that I got rid of my Fax machine in the 90's and wasn't about to get one now... I don't even have a land line and have tried to turn my PC into a fax machine before with no success.
I digress... my chosen clinic made me feel really good about everything. They weren't daunted by my strange Uterus... just said that they'd only transfer single embryo's. He's happy with my numbers, doesn't put too much credence in AMH and said that there was no need to do PGD. Said that the cost doesn't outweigh the risks or the benefits. Fine with me.
I had to take out financing because I've blown through my savings and didn't have the extra 8000 hanging around that I needed to make this happen.
I didn't have to take birth control pills which I was so happy about as they've never much agreed with me - started on Estrace about a week ago and currently awaiting my period (due yesterday.) So typical that it would be late when I'm normally clockwork. Wondering if it might be the Estrace that's set it back? Once it arrives everything sets in motion... start Follistim and Menopur injections and then the monitoring etc.
I'm nervous... all my eggs are in this basket so to speak and I'm petrified that it will fail...
I keep telling myself one day at a time... it's all I can do. So my fingers and toes (but not my legs) are crossed... I'll update a little more now that something is happening.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Another Setback
Went for my ultrasound today to see how the clomid worked for me... the right side is happily displaying 5 lovely follicles ready to produce eggs that go into the void of uselessness. The left side is sleeping with just 2 under 12mm.
I give up... have called and made an appointment with an IVF clinic. I can't afford CCRM... I don't have the heart to do another 3 IUI's doomed for failure in order that I can qualify (If I were to marry someone that is) for IVF to be covered. So I'm just gonna take out a loan and be broke.
No idea how to judge the SART statistics. Been told that those stats are so dependent on a lot of factors that take some major research. I figure that my numbers are all pretty good and I know that my ovaries work... I just have to hope that I get lucky. I have 2 vials of my donor in storage so I figure I'll use those for IVF and go from there. If you had IVF on the East coast of USA let me know if you have a good recommendation that doesn't cost$20,000 a pop...
Just want to get this ball rolling now as I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take.
I give up... have called and made an appointment with an IVF clinic. I can't afford CCRM... I don't have the heart to do another 3 IUI's doomed for failure in order that I can qualify (If I were to marry someone that is) for IVF to be covered. So I'm just gonna take out a loan and be broke.
No idea how to judge the SART statistics. Been told that those stats are so dependent on a lot of factors that take some major research. I figure that my numbers are all pretty good and I know that my ovaries work... I just have to hope that I get lucky. I have 2 vials of my donor in storage so I figure I'll use those for IVF and go from there. If you had IVF on the East coast of USA let me know if you have a good recommendation that doesn't cost
Just want to get this ball rolling now as I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
I'm doing nothing...
Here I am, plodding along towards my next IUI which, if things go well will happen this weekend.
Slight difference this time because I'm doing nothing. No acupuncture, no weird herbal medicines, no teas... just me... clomid and the little addition of Ubiquinol. (Obv still taking my pre-natals.) I guess a part of me just feels that if it's going to happen it'll happen and spending $400+ a month on acupuncture and potions just isn't worth it if I'm going to have to spend my $$$ on IVF down the line. Better to conserve funds now.
So, I'm just gonna go with the flow and see what hand I'm dealt this month. Who knows if the left ovary is going to produce a follicle (I find out on Thursday)... hopefully it does and this can go ahead but if not then I guess I really will have to take the next step...
Not going to add myself to any lists... don't feel like seeing myself on the NTT list again... so giving myself a break and keeping TTC in the background of my life.
Now... off out to eat sushi!
Slight difference this time because I'm doing nothing. No acupuncture, no weird herbal medicines, no teas... just me... clomid and the little addition of Ubiquinol. (Obv still taking my pre-natals.) I guess a part of me just feels that if it's going to happen it'll happen and spending $400+ a month on acupuncture and potions just isn't worth it if I'm going to have to spend my $$$ on IVF down the line. Better to conserve funds now.
So, I'm just gonna go with the flow and see what hand I'm dealt this month. Who knows if the left ovary is going to produce a follicle (I find out on Thursday)... hopefully it does and this can go ahead but if not then I guess I really will have to take the next step...
Not going to add myself to any lists... don't feel like seeing myself on the NTT list again... so giving myself a break and keeping TTC in the background of my life.
Now... off out to eat sushi!
Friday, May 23, 2014
Another NTT
In case you couldn't work it out from my subtle title, this month was another big fat negative... felt extra bad as it was the 3rd attempt and I really went all out in so far as acupuncture, diet etc... thought the Universe may have done me a favor and aligned but it was not to be.
So what next? I feel pretty helpless and as though IUI's are just never going to work for me... I'm going to do one more this month on clomid because the vials are already paid for and at the RE office... however, the thought of doing another 3 tries is filling me with horror. My desire is to just jump to IVF and see if that works.
Oh but IVF is so complicated! Not just like I can go to any old clinic... there's research that must be done to see what their success rates are like... plus on top of that I have to find the money to pay for it! (Debt here I come!) I don't really know where to begin... do I go overseas? I consider doing that but I really want an id release/known donor and in the cheaper places they only allow anonymous... sort of going against everything I promised my future child I'd make available to them.
So any input is much appreciated... if you had IVF in New England area and loved the place you went to and it didn't cost 15,000 then let me know. I'd go to New York if the price was right too!
Very much an in limbo post... have decided not to do acupuncture for this cycle and save my funds for doing it when/if I make the leap to IVF.
This is the first point in my journey where TTC is taking up my every thought... up until now I've been pretty calm about it - not testing until at least day 13 (In fact this past cycle I didn't test once!) Now finally I'm in the "Oh fuck, what if this never works" stage. I am not enjoying this one little bit.
So what next? I feel pretty helpless and as though IUI's are just never going to work for me... I'm going to do one more this month on clomid because the vials are already paid for and at the RE office... however, the thought of doing another 3 tries is filling me with horror. My desire is to just jump to IVF and see if that works.
Oh but IVF is so complicated! Not just like I can go to any old clinic... there's research that must be done to see what their success rates are like... plus on top of that I have to find the money to pay for it! (Debt here I come!) I don't really know where to begin... do I go overseas? I consider doing that but I really want an id release/known donor and in the cheaper places they only allow anonymous... sort of going against everything I promised my future child I'd make available to them.
So any input is much appreciated... if you had IVF in New England area and loved the place you went to and it didn't cost 15,000 then let me know. I'd go to New York if the price was right too!
Very much an in limbo post... have decided not to do acupuncture for this cycle and save my funds for doing it when/if I make the leap to IVF.
This is the first point in my journey where TTC is taking up my every thought... up until now I've been pretty calm about it - not testing until at least day 13 (In fact this past cycle I didn't test once!) Now finally I'm in the "Oh fuck, what if this never works" stage. I am not enjoying this one little bit.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
IUI #3 A happy ending I hope.
I emerge swollen eyed from the worst month I've ever experienced. I'm still in a state of shock so am so thankful for this IUI to distract me from the grief of the past few weeks. Who knew that a 2ww would be a welcomed distraction... I won't need any help getting through this one... for sure!
Just over a month ago I got a call from a good friend who wasn't feeling well. He knew I'd just gotten an Affordable Healthcare Plan and he wanted help in getting one too. I did it 2 days before the deadline and just over a week later he called me with the news:
Cancer
He went in for a surgery to make him more comfortable. Turns out he'd been in a lot of pain but hadn't told anyone.
Stage 4.
Already in liver & lymph nodes... just a year maximum to live.
But the bigger problem was that he didn't heal from the surgery so they had to go in again... he ended up in the ICU... more complications than I ever want to bore you with. Suffice to say that I was in there every day visiting and talking to him - even when he was in a coma and hoping with all my might that he would pull through enough that we could just talk to him again.
Just as it looked like he might be making a come back things took a turn for the ultimate worse. His family and friends were faced with turning off his life support.
By far the hardest thing I've ever had to do... saying goodbye.
He was so young (52) and such a sweet heart.
It's been so hard to wrap my head around the fact that he is no longer with us.
On the other hand I've gotten to know his best friend whom I'd only ever seen in passing before... we've become extremely close and he's very supportive/excited about my journey to become a mother. I've also become close with his family and everyone around him during those times. We've become a tight unit of our own.
I silently asked him if he could do me a favor when he gets up there and help his namesake be born! I fully intend to give his name as a middle name to my child whether it's male or female!
Since he's been gone my left ovary has kicked into action... finally the side that's connected to my Uterus is showing itself to be able to produce a good follicle.
At the clinic today my favorite nurse did the IUI. Upon leaving, the billboard by the hospital had my friends name on it. The road was sponsored by a company bearing his name. I saw the signs I wanted to see.
So now I'm just hoping the balance of the Universe takes someone away but gives me someone back. A BFP would certainly help lift me from my sadness.
Rest in Peace my lovely friend. You are missed.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Gearing up to try again.
I finally got to see my RE about the Unicorn within me. This appointment occurred 1 hour after the family blow up described in my last post. Needless to say I was a little out of sorts.
I find my RE to be a little blase and casual about my fertility... though she is informative... did explain very well what I have and how it happened... still though... she didn't really make it out like it was a bit deal at all to have been born with just half a uterus.
Maybe it isn't a big deal however, it certainly does increase my chance of first trimester miscarriage, ectopics and pre-term labor, (by 10-15% more or less.) Carrying multiples would be dangerous/impossible also... so this is why she recommended I try Clomid for a couple of cycles in order to attempt to make the left ovary produce some follicles. Injectibles up your chances of multiples by 25% so that's a very last resort... I can't imagine coming all this way only to have to selectively destroy something I want so much to nurture... doesn't bear thinking about.
The Good news:
My unicorn uterus doesn't make pregnancy that much harder to achieve necessarily. It seems that IF I were to get pregnant and IF I were to make it past the first trimester I would be able to start to relax a little more until into the 3rd trimester when I would be closely monitored in case I went into labor early.
Just another thing to worry about. Just another hurdle to jump.
But I'm glad to be closing in on my 3rd attempt... don't let me down no 3, you've been my lucky charm for so long and now's the time to show me what you're made of!
I find my RE to be a little blase and casual about my fertility... though she is informative... did explain very well what I have and how it happened... still though... she didn't really make it out like it was a bit deal at all to have been born with just half a uterus.
Maybe it isn't a big deal however, it certainly does increase my chance of first trimester miscarriage, ectopics and pre-term labor, (by 10-15% more or less.) Carrying multiples would be dangerous/impossible also... so this is why she recommended I try Clomid for a couple of cycles in order to attempt to make the left ovary produce some follicles. Injectibles up your chances of multiples by 25% so that's a very last resort... I can't imagine coming all this way only to have to selectively destroy something I want so much to nurture... doesn't bear thinking about.
The Good news:
My unicorn uterus doesn't make pregnancy that much harder to achieve necessarily. It seems that IF I were to get pregnant and IF I were to make it past the first trimester I would be able to start to relax a little more until into the 3rd trimester when I would be closely monitored in case I went into labor early.
Just another thing to worry about. Just another hurdle to jump.
But I'm glad to be closing in on my 3rd attempt... don't let me down no 3, you've been my lucky charm for so long and now's the time to show me what you're made of!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Blood Moon. A vent that has nothing to do with TTC.
There comes a point when a person can reach their breaking point. For me it took my whole lifetime but yesterday I finally said 'enough is enough' and flipped a switch on my sister and her under the thumb husband.
The history does not belong here but people who know me know how I've put up with snide comments and bad treatment for years. When she was pregnant it was commonly predicted that my nephew would be the ultimate trump card and mechanism of control over my Mother and I. We were not wrong. (She didn't speak to me for the first 6 months of her pregnancy, said she would never let me see her child and then got sick and had to be looked after by us as her husband was away and she doesn't have many friends.)
No matter how much time we give, it's never enough. It started when nephew was 3 weeks of age when said that she felt that one or the other of us should be relieving her for 3 hours each day to get a break from her infant. I feel that it's her child and he was a difficult, unhappy baby... 3 hours a day is way too much to expect to be away from your newborn! We were frequently there for company FYI. She was far from being on her own.
As he got older things changed however. Let me be clear... this child spends 2/3 days in child care and then historically spends a day each with my mother and I. That's 4-5 days a week since roughly a year old that he's been away from his mother. Add to this my desire to see him at weekends and she gets her break at the weekend too. The next complaint - not enough sleepovers.
Whenever she gets mad she stops us seeing him. She kept him from me for 3 months at the end of last year for reasons way too ridiculous to go into here... it's another blog in itself. She's mad at my Mother now and is so disgusting to her that she won't even look at her. She says snide, hurtful things to us constantly and yesterday, after she said that she wouldn't see us for Easter due to my having a friend in tow I finally snapped.
My timing was terrible.... inappropriate even. My emotions were not. I apologized to her husband for yet another holiday ruined by her. He stuck up for her behavior. I condemned their ungratefulness and yelled (ugh, I yelled!) that I was sick of them both and that she was an asshole. (She was screaming her vile words at me at the time.)
It was a scene out of a movie involving very unsavory characters but it was my life. I've bitten my tongue for so long that it hurts. She's incapable of empathy or forgiveness and yet she has committed the worst crimes of all. She lies and manipulates and deprives me of my lovely nephew at the drop of a hat. I am so done with it.
Of course I don't know where to go from here. I find it ironic that it all happened on a blood moon. Finally the full moon brought out my rage. Sadly, life would be easier without her in it. My friends don't know how I went this long without snapping. I can't apologize... I'm not sorry. I wish I'd been able to say more but my nephew walked into the situation so I drove away leaving much unsaid. Probably for the best as I'm pretty sure her husband was close to hitting me.
Why can't you choose your family?
The history does not belong here but people who know me know how I've put up with snide comments and bad treatment for years. When she was pregnant it was commonly predicted that my nephew would be the ultimate trump card and mechanism of control over my Mother and I. We were not wrong. (She didn't speak to me for the first 6 months of her pregnancy, said she would never let me see her child and then got sick and had to be looked after by us as her husband was away and she doesn't have many friends.)
No matter how much time we give, it's never enough. It started when nephew was 3 weeks of age when said that she felt that one or the other of us should be relieving her for 3 hours each day to get a break from her infant. I feel that it's her child and he was a difficult, unhappy baby... 3 hours a day is way too much to expect to be away from your newborn! We were frequently there for company FYI. She was far from being on her own.
As he got older things changed however. Let me be clear... this child spends 2/3 days in child care and then historically spends a day each with my mother and I. That's 4-5 days a week since roughly a year old that he's been away from his mother. Add to this my desire to see him at weekends and she gets her break at the weekend too. The next complaint - not enough sleepovers.
Whenever she gets mad she stops us seeing him. She kept him from me for 3 months at the end of last year for reasons way too ridiculous to go into here... it's another blog in itself. She's mad at my Mother now and is so disgusting to her that she won't even look at her. She says snide, hurtful things to us constantly and yesterday, after she said that she wouldn't see us for Easter due to my having a friend in tow I finally snapped.
My timing was terrible.... inappropriate even. My emotions were not. I apologized to her husband for yet another holiday ruined by her. He stuck up for her behavior. I condemned their ungratefulness and yelled (ugh, I yelled!) that I was sick of them both and that she was an asshole. (She was screaming her vile words at me at the time.)
It was a scene out of a movie involving very unsavory characters but it was my life. I've bitten my tongue for so long that it hurts. She's incapable of empathy or forgiveness and yet she has committed the worst crimes of all. She lies and manipulates and deprives me of my lovely nephew at the drop of a hat. I am so done with it.
Of course I don't know where to go from here. I find it ironic that it all happened on a blood moon. Finally the full moon brought out my rage. Sadly, life would be easier without her in it. My friends don't know how I went this long without snapping. I can't apologize... I'm not sorry. I wish I'd been able to say more but my nephew walked into the situation so I drove away leaving much unsaid. Probably for the best as I'm pretty sure her husband was close to hitting me.
Why can't you choose your family?
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Unicorns in my Uterus. *WARNING - GRAPHIC*
Part of the human condition is to take things for granted. I am of course guilty of this although I am often thankful that my heart keeps beating, my knees are holding out and that life is generally good.
I took it for granted that the things I can't see in my body were as they should be and this is how I went into my HSG this week.
On a side note I've never had a male OBGYN, not even for a pap or anything. I was a little disconcerted by the 65 year old man that greeted me by holding my hand and explaining that he was going to be doing the procedure. Bit creepy but oh well. I'm good at relaxing through procedures so I still wasn't too worried.
None of the instruments he used were warmed so the speculum went in almost icy and instantly tensed me up... each time I'd relaxed through it the next one would come in and be freezing. When the catheter was inserted and 'clamped' in place the pain was insane and made all the worse by the fact that you can't move whilst you're cramping. I could feel my body using every ounce of its strength to get the catheter out of me!! I guess it took longer than usual as they were rolling me around for a while and then finally it was over and everything was yanked out of me.
I was told that he suspected I had a unicornuate uterus but not to worry as this doesn't mean that I can't conceive... just that I have a high chance of miscarriage and pre term labor - that's all. Then he said I was going to have a sono hystogram instantly so that they could have a closer look... that many women who have this condition also have just the one kidney.
Super... so I'm walked across the hall to the next room with a towel between my legs and given a vaginal ultrasound followed by a sono where the catheter is reinserted (further insane cramping but not for as long but made me cry - more out of fear than anything!) and then the news that I do have two kidneys and two ovaries but only the left is attached to the half a uterus... I think he said that the half was of a good size but not 100%. I think that what I have is either picture A1b or A2 in case you need a visual (which I did but wasn't given.)
The experience was awful... I was treated as if I were unconscious and they were speaking about me whilst I was there (saying she/her instead of my name). I guess it's kind of rare and they were very excited so there were 4 of them in the room reading the monitor. I even told them that they needed to calm down, that they were overly excited about me perhaps having only one kidney but they ignored me. My questions weren't really answered... everything was vague and I felt pretty violated. I even had to ask them to explain the sono procedure as everyone was just ignoring me at that point.
I was told I could go ahead and do an IUI this month if I wanted but that it was up to me. As I'm ovulating from the right ovary (that leads to nowhere) I decided to save my money and talk to my RE instead. If I need IVF I want to save all the money that I can as I've already blown through all of my savings to get to where I am now. ugh.
I've already sent an email to New Hope about mini ivf... I don't know if it's the best solution or not but I figured I'd be proactive. My RE isn't available for 2 weeks so I'm on a different sort of wait and doing all the research that I can do in the meantime.
I'm super upset but trying to be positive... Unicorns are lucky right? I also feel that the fact that I'm an anomaly might get me some more serious attention. I'm hoping that my RE / IVF clinic will see me as a kind of challenge and go the extra mile. It might sound silly but it's all that I've got to cling to right now. I've no idea how I'm going to come up with $10,000
I'll find a way though... will prob have to move in with my Mother at the end of my lease so that I can save money that way... take out a loan or something. Just so many questions and so much uncertainty right now... Suggestions on how to get a 20,000 windfall greatly appreciated.
Funny end note:
The creepy old Doctor asked me if I had a husband..... then boyfriend... to which I answered no... I'm doing this on my own, that I'd had a boyfriend but he didn't want children so I don't have any other options. He gushed 'Fabulous... that's excellent... he deserved to get kicked to the curb'.
I couldn't help wondering if he'd been puzzled by my freshly waxed you know what... Guess I'm an anomaly in more than one way to him!
I took it for granted that the things I can't see in my body were as they should be and this is how I went into my HSG this week.
On a side note I've never had a male OBGYN, not even for a pap or anything. I was a little disconcerted by the 65 year old man that greeted me by holding my hand and explaining that he was going to be doing the procedure. Bit creepy but oh well. I'm good at relaxing through procedures so I still wasn't too worried.
None of the instruments he used were warmed so the speculum went in almost icy and instantly tensed me up... each time I'd relaxed through it the next one would come in and be freezing. When the catheter was inserted and 'clamped' in place the pain was insane and made all the worse by the fact that you can't move whilst you're cramping. I could feel my body using every ounce of its strength to get the catheter out of me!! I guess it took longer than usual as they were rolling me around for a while and then finally it was over and everything was yanked out of me.
I was told that he suspected I had a unicornuate uterus but not to worry as this doesn't mean that I can't conceive... just that I have a high chance of miscarriage and pre term labor - that's all. Then he said I was going to have a sono hystogram instantly so that they could have a closer look... that many women who have this condition also have just the one kidney.
Super... so I'm walked across the hall to the next room with a towel between my legs and given a vaginal ultrasound followed by a sono where the catheter is reinserted (further insane cramping but not for as long but made me cry - more out of fear than anything!) and then the news that I do have two kidneys and two ovaries but only the left is attached to the half a uterus... I think he said that the half was of a good size but not 100%. I think that what I have is either picture A1b or A2 in case you need a visual (which I did but wasn't given.)
The experience was awful... I was treated as if I were unconscious and they were speaking about me whilst I was there (saying she/her instead of my name). I guess it's kind of rare and they were very excited so there were 4 of them in the room reading the monitor. I even told them that they needed to calm down, that they were overly excited about me perhaps having only one kidney but they ignored me. My questions weren't really answered... everything was vague and I felt pretty violated. I even had to ask them to explain the sono procedure as everyone was just ignoring me at that point.
I was told I could go ahead and do an IUI this month if I wanted but that it was up to me. As I'm ovulating from the right ovary (that leads to nowhere) I decided to save my money and talk to my RE instead. If I need IVF I want to save all the money that I can as I've already blown through all of my savings to get to where I am now. ugh.
I've already sent an email to New Hope about mini ivf... I don't know if it's the best solution or not but I figured I'd be proactive. My RE isn't available for 2 weeks so I'm on a different sort of wait and doing all the research that I can do in the meantime.
I'm super upset but trying to be positive... Unicorns are lucky right? I also feel that the fact that I'm an anomaly might get me some more serious attention. I'm hoping that my RE / IVF clinic will see me as a kind of challenge and go the extra mile. It might sound silly but it's all that I've got to cling to right now. I've no idea how I'm going to come up with $10,000
I'll find a way though... will prob have to move in with my Mother at the end of my lease so that I can save money that way... take out a loan or something. Just so many questions and so much uncertainty right now... Suggestions on how to get a 20,000 windfall greatly appreciated.
Funny end note:
The creepy old Doctor asked me if I had a husband..... then boyfriend... to which I answered no... I'm doing this on my own, that I'd had a boyfriend but he didn't want children so I don't have any other options. He gushed 'Fabulous... that's excellent... he deserved to get kicked to the curb'.
I couldn't help wondering if he'd been puzzled by my freshly waxed you know what... Guess I'm an anomaly in more than one way to him!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Keeping busy during the break before the wait
Am feeling a little more positive than when I last wrote... after all, it's only been two attempts, no medication, no intervention. I know plenty of people who have tried for a lot, lot longer with no idea about the limitations of their bodies, their numbers etc. It kind of boggles my mind how many people don't ask for medical help when they have trouble conceiving.
So yes... focusing on positivity has begun in earnest again.
Plus have had a lot to focus on... have had renters in my property for a while and they're all moving out - my Mother is moving back in so I've been getting it clean and presentable again... painting etc.
I've also been working a lot although this weekend I had unexpected fun. I ran into a good friend and we decided to make a day of eating and drinking. I let my hair down... got a little tipsy and had so much fun with him... all this and in bed by 10pm. I was not made to be a day drinker! It was so great to have male company... he's smart, sensible and knows how to have fun. In a different lifetime I'd be chasing him but it's not the right time for either of us now and we both know it. Who knows if anything could happen in the future but it's not worth thinking about for now. (Well, not more than fleetingly... you can tell I've obviously thought about it.)
I'm about to have a lot more family support with the return of my Mother (nobody else in my family knows my plans.) I didn't even tell her until I was into my second cycle of IUI's because she was distracted overseas by her own woes and wasn't being much of a listener at that point.
So life is on the UP... HSG on Thursday and I'm making my Mother drive me just in case I don't feel too great afterwards. People seem to have such a wide variety of reactions to it. Will update after to let you all know how I did.
So yes... focusing on positivity has begun in earnest again.
Plus have had a lot to focus on... have had renters in my property for a while and they're all moving out - my Mother is moving back in so I've been getting it clean and presentable again... painting etc.
I've also been working a lot although this weekend I had unexpected fun. I ran into a good friend and we decided to make a day of eating and drinking. I let my hair down... got a little tipsy and had so much fun with him... all this and in bed by 10pm. I was not made to be a day drinker! It was so great to have male company... he's smart, sensible and knows how to have fun. In a different lifetime I'd be chasing him but it's not the right time for either of us now and we both know it. Who knows if anything could happen in the future but it's not worth thinking about for now. (Well, not more than fleetingly... you can tell I've obviously thought about it.)
I'm about to have a lot more family support with the return of my Mother (nobody else in my family knows my plans.) I didn't even tell her until I was into my second cycle of IUI's because she was distracted overseas by her own woes and wasn't being much of a listener at that point.
So life is on the UP... HSG on Thursday and I'm making my Mother drive me just in case I don't feel too great afterwards. People seem to have such a wide variety of reactions to it. Will update after to let you all know how I did.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
As suspected. A negative result.
This cycle I failed to kid myself that I might just be pregnant... I felt less than nothing and as such was drinking a glass of red wine (medicinal of course) every evening after 9dpo. I just knew. I tested on 12dpo and of course it was negative. I also had the niggling pre-cramps of my period from that same day.
Beta test on day 14 and the call that it wasn't a success.
Still feels like shit.
Period today in full force, cramps to cripple me and what's more there's snow on the ground outside. So over the Winter!
Even though I knew it hadn't worked this didn't mean that I wasn't hoping for a surprise miracle. It still disappointed me. Plus now I have the fear that it might never work. The AMH test results really got to me.
On the other hand I'm necking back vitamin D3 as I sincerely think that this Winter has deprived me of direct sunlight... wrapped up in a multitude of layers to walk the dog, only seeing the sun through glass etc... so maybe this explains my low amh level... we shall see. I'm also taking maca, royal jelly and my Ojas milk (which has done wonders for my joints.)
HSG test next week followed by more acupuncture and another monitored but unmedicated cycle. It makes sense to me as I would otherwise have to sit this month out due to them not allowing me to be medicated and having the HSG.
Hoping for a lucky no 3.
Already made an appointment with my RE to discuss getting aggressive after this...
Already looked into having IVF in Prague.
Interested in mini or natural IVF but it's just as expensive to do that here so don't really know whether there's a point to that. Don't know whether they offer that in Prague or not but will ask.
Hate the idea of all those meds. The Birth Control pill used to make me so crampy and moody... I always had to stop taking it almost as soon as I'd started.
Feeling bit crap and lonely... wish I knew someone close who was going through it at the same time... no matter how supportive friends are I just don't want to talk about the emotional toil this takes to them. I guess there are no words.
Beta test on day 14 and the call that it wasn't a success.
Still feels like shit.
Period today in full force, cramps to cripple me and what's more there's snow on the ground outside. So over the Winter!
Even though I knew it hadn't worked this didn't mean that I wasn't hoping for a surprise miracle. It still disappointed me. Plus now I have the fear that it might never work. The AMH test results really got to me.
On the other hand I'm necking back vitamin D3 as I sincerely think that this Winter has deprived me of direct sunlight... wrapped up in a multitude of layers to walk the dog, only seeing the sun through glass etc... so maybe this explains my low amh level... we shall see. I'm also taking maca, royal jelly and my Ojas milk (which has done wonders for my joints.)
HSG test next week followed by more acupuncture and another monitored but unmedicated cycle. It makes sense to me as I would otherwise have to sit this month out due to them not allowing me to be medicated and having the HSG.
Hoping for a lucky no 3.
Already made an appointment with my RE to discuss getting aggressive after this...
Already looked into having IVF in Prague.
Interested in mini or natural IVF but it's just as expensive to do that here so don't really know whether there's a point to that. Don't know whether they offer that in Prague or not but will ask.
Hate the idea of all those meds. The Birth Control pill used to make me so crampy and moody... I always had to stop taking it almost as soon as I'd started.
Feeling bit crap and lonely... wish I knew someone close who was going through it at the same time... no matter how supportive friends are I just don't want to talk about the emotional toil this takes to them. I guess there are no words.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
The worrying has begun.
Silly me. I thought I could get through this whole trying to conceive process with a calm, centered, stress free interior... whilst it's continued on the exterior (I excel in outward calm,) my brain is going crazy. Here's why:
I'm now 9 days post IUI and I feel totally the same... more normal than normal... I've stayed true to my goal and not googled any symptoms... other than the odd twinge here and there, there have been no symptoms. I just feel like nothing's going on in there.
At my RE appointment for the results of my day 3 testing she was happy with all of my results except for my AMH which she said was low at a 0.25 I didn't really know what this meant but asked if there was a need for medication and she said that at this stage she didn't think that would be necessary. She sees no reason why I wouldn't be able to conceive naturally and suggested I do 4 or 5 unmedicated cycles and see what happens...
4 or 5??!! There's no way I want to go through this that many times... Of course I googled the AMH level and discovered that it's worse than very low... even with her assurances that everything else is good I still find my mind obsessing over this one area that my body's failing... My brain has jumped to IVF options (thanks to a friend who went overseas for hers, I feel that this is in my budget now if it needs to be.) I've also booked myself in for an HSG if this cycle fails... that'll eliminate another potential problem area.
So now I'm taking Maca powder, royal jelly caplets, eating sunflower seeds, leafy greens, drinking Ojas milk with extra tumeric... whatever I can do to improve the health of my dwindling eggs...
Whilst on one hand I'm getting through this 2ww pretty easily I think it's mainly because I am already believing in its failure and planning for the next attempt... I really hope I'm wrong but visualization techniques have totally eluded me since my RE visit on Tuesday. I followed it with acupuncture however which is good for de-stressing but didn't seem to help this time!
I'm so scared that this is going to go on forever with no result... that I've forsaken my dream because I stayed with the wrong guy for too long and then waited around for the right guy for even longer. I wish I'd started doing this the month after we broke up... and more than anything I long for the day when this is behind me and I start life anew with a mini-me who will go on to rule the world!
Not much to ask really is it?
I'm now 9 days post IUI and I feel totally the same... more normal than normal... I've stayed true to my goal and not googled any symptoms... other than the odd twinge here and there, there have been no symptoms. I just feel like nothing's going on in there.
At my RE appointment for the results of my day 3 testing she was happy with all of my results except for my AMH which she said was low at a 0.25 I didn't really know what this meant but asked if there was a need for medication and she said that at this stage she didn't think that would be necessary. She sees no reason why I wouldn't be able to conceive naturally and suggested I do 4 or 5 unmedicated cycles and see what happens...
4 or 5??!! There's no way I want to go through this that many times... Of course I googled the AMH level and discovered that it's worse than very low... even with her assurances that everything else is good I still find my mind obsessing over this one area that my body's failing... My brain has jumped to IVF options (thanks to a friend who went overseas for hers, I feel that this is in my budget now if it needs to be.) I've also booked myself in for an HSG if this cycle fails... that'll eliminate another potential problem area.
So now I'm taking Maca powder, royal jelly caplets, eating sunflower seeds, leafy greens, drinking Ojas milk with extra tumeric... whatever I can do to improve the health of my dwindling eggs...
Whilst on one hand I'm getting through this 2ww pretty easily I think it's mainly because I am already believing in its failure and planning for the next attempt... I really hope I'm wrong but visualization techniques have totally eluded me since my RE visit on Tuesday. I followed it with acupuncture however which is good for de-stressing but didn't seem to help this time!
I'm so scared that this is going to go on forever with no result... that I've forsaken my dream because I stayed with the wrong guy for too long and then waited around for the right guy for even longer. I wish I'd started doing this the month after we broke up... and more than anything I long for the day when this is behind me and I start life anew with a mini-me who will go on to rule the world!
Not much to ask really is it?
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
IUI #2 here we go...
And so begins anew the two week wait after my second IUI which has occurred a month to the day after my first IUI. Feels a little different this time... and I have a new rule for this one:
No googling of symptoms allowed. Not even once!
That's it... this time I've arranged to have a beta test at day 14 so that I don't have to wait til my period on day 16. I refuse to buy those cheapo pregnancy kits from amazon... I see no point in torturing myself over something that cannot be changed. I'm gonna be the coolest two week waiter that ever was... haha.. we shall see.
In other news I have been doing acupuncture instead of drinking teas and such... I had a session before my IUI this morning and she focused a lot on relaxation as well as fertility stuff... it totally worked because I've been barely able to move today from sheer exhaustion. Relaxed to the point of coma pretty much. I go back in a couple of days for a session that promotes egg implantation. I think that the acupuncture makes me feel like I'm doing something which creates an overall sense of control and calm within me. I don't know how I'll feel if I'm still doing this in 4 months but for today, at least, it's working.
Now time to get back into bed. Wish me luck ...
No googling of symptoms allowed. Not even once!
That's it... this time I've arranged to have a beta test at day 14 so that I don't have to wait til my period on day 16. I refuse to buy those cheapo pregnancy kits from amazon... I see no point in torturing myself over something that cannot be changed. I'm gonna be the coolest two week waiter that ever was... haha.. we shall see.
In other news I have been doing acupuncture instead of drinking teas and such... I had a session before my IUI this morning and she focused a lot on relaxation as well as fertility stuff... it totally worked because I've been barely able to move today from sheer exhaustion. Relaxed to the point of coma pretty much. I go back in a couple of days for a session that promotes egg implantation. I think that the acupuncture makes me feel like I'm doing something which creates an overall sense of control and calm within me. I don't know how I'll feel if I'm still doing this in 4 months but for today, at least, it's working.
Now time to get back into bed. Wish me luck ...
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Change of tactic & awesome friends...
My next IUI is about a week away and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I feel like I have a lot more knowledge and it's made me feel so empowered.
Since my last post I've been for my day 3 blood work (results pending) and had a baseline ultrasound on my ovaries. I guess I watch too much TV because I naively thought it was done on my belly... not internally... ah well... seems that stripping and probing have become a part of my weekly life. Amazing how easily I converse now with medical instruments inside my vagina. Who knew how quickly I would get used to this hey?
In order for the RE to agree to monitoring, I had to agree to a trigger shot... I feel okay about that. Just one shot in the stomach and this makes the window of ovulation much easier for them to pinpoint. This also means that I can go down to just one IUI a month instead of back to backs. Easier on the finances which is also nice.
So now I know the following: I have healthily developing follicles on the right ovary. My left ovary is smaller than the right and my Uterus is the right thickness for where I am in my cycle. I go back at the weekend for another ultrasound and for instruction on when the trigger shot must be administered. Thank goodness for the Doula who will be giving this to me - lest I pass out/throw up etc.
In other news I have discovered that my friends are all awesome. It's not that I'm telling everyone that I'm doing this RIGHT NOW... but I have told a fair few of them that it's going to happen and that I'm getting the testing done for it to be in my future. Males and females alike have all responded with so much support, encouragement and a little curiosity too. Nobody has told me I'm crazy or that it's wrong or questioned my motivation. All of those niggling fears of judgment that I had were totally unfounded and that's so great... gives me a lot of confidence going forward. I really think that I'm incredibly lucky.
Even Mr Benefits has come back after a month break. He says he thinks that what I'm doing is amazing and he wants to be around to support me. Said that if I want ice cream at 3am he might not be there... but by 6am he'll bring it to me. He's also excited about the idea of my expanding boobs. I don't have the heart to tell him that I'll probably want him to stay 3ft away from them at all times.
Let the man dream...
Since my last post I've been for my day 3 blood work (results pending) and had a baseline ultrasound on my ovaries. I guess I watch too much TV because I naively thought it was done on my belly... not internally... ah well... seems that stripping and probing have become a part of my weekly life. Amazing how easily I converse now with medical instruments inside my vagina. Who knew how quickly I would get used to this hey?
In order for the RE to agree to monitoring, I had to agree to a trigger shot... I feel okay about that. Just one shot in the stomach and this makes the window of ovulation much easier for them to pinpoint. This also means that I can go down to just one IUI a month instead of back to backs. Easier on the finances which is also nice.
So now I know the following: I have healthily developing follicles on the right ovary. My left ovary is smaller than the right and my Uterus is the right thickness for where I am in my cycle. I go back at the weekend for another ultrasound and for instruction on when the trigger shot must be administered. Thank goodness for the Doula who will be giving this to me - lest I pass out/throw up etc.
In other news I have discovered that my friends are all awesome. It's not that I'm telling everyone that I'm doing this RIGHT NOW... but I have told a fair few of them that it's going to happen and that I'm getting the testing done for it to be in my future. Males and females alike have all responded with so much support, encouragement and a little curiosity too. Nobody has told me I'm crazy or that it's wrong or questioned my motivation. All of those niggling fears of judgment that I had were totally unfounded and that's so great... gives me a lot of confidence going forward. I really think that I'm incredibly lucky.
Even Mr Benefits has come back after a month break. He says he thinks that what I'm doing is amazing and he wants to be around to support me. Said that if I want ice cream at 3am he might not be there... but by 6am he'll bring it to me. He's also excited about the idea of my expanding boobs. I don't have the heart to tell him that I'll probably want him to stay 3ft away from them at all times.
Let the man dream...
Saturday, March 1, 2014
NTT AKA BFN
Acronyms annoy me for the most part... I don't know why exactly but you'll never see me writing LOL. I'm more of a haha girl. Onomatopoeia's are more up my street... so thus, if you should see me writing things out in full don't be surprised. I make exceptions for IUI/OPK but anything that involves emotion... BFN, IMHO... I'll just be writing them out and feeling them as I type them. Thus the title of today's blog is a one off. Don't get used to it.
I digress... the point is that my first try at IUI, was a fail. Am I a little disappointed? Of course. Did I shed a tear? Not a single one. In truth I knew it was a long shot... It was the attempt that got my toes wet and taught me what to expect for future try/tries.
This is what I've learned:
I've also realized that I probably would have fainted if it had worked. This would have been followed by extreme panic and a lot of pacing. Instead, the lack of success of my first IUI has given me a more tangible confidence in the quest for a child on my own. I don't know exactly how to explain it but I now know, in a way that I hadn't a month ago just how much I want this. That little edge of fear that followed me around has evaporated... if this works, I'm going to be just fine. More than that... I'm going to be ecstatic!
My plan of action for this month is to go for day 3 testing, get some acupuncture and try to stomach royal jelly again. I'd like to get some monitoring but it doesn't look like I'm going to get an appointment with my RE before I ovulate so I'm not sure if I can make that happen. I feel a little like just relying on the OPK's is a long shot but I'm not prepared to examine my cervix and I've never monitored my temperature... also heard it wasn't that useful. I'd like to do more to get the timing right... I guess I'll talk to the nurse that does my blood work tomorrow and get some suggestions.
Is it strange that I think the 12 day wait to get into the 2 week wait is worse than that 2 week wait itself? At least during that time I know that I have done what I can and just maybe something is happening. Right now I am in overdrive trying to work out what more I can do and just wishing myself into ovulation... at least I can enjoy a glass of wine or two tonight I guess.
I digress... the point is that my first try at IUI, was a fail. Am I a little disappointed? Of course. Did I shed a tear? Not a single one. In truth I knew it was a long shot... It was the attempt that got my toes wet and taught me what to expect for future try/tries.
This is what I've learned:
- My body is a vessel not to be trusted and may present me with symptoms that trick me. For example; cramping stomach, extreme fatigue, occasional shooting pains in uterus area.
- I'm a good waiter. I didn't do a home pregnancy test until day 14 and the only reason I did it then was because that was the day I would have gone for my beta test. It was obviously negative so it squashed 75% of my hope.
I've also realized that I probably would have fainted if it had worked. This would have been followed by extreme panic and a lot of pacing. Instead, the lack of success of my first IUI has given me a more tangible confidence in the quest for a child on my own. I don't know exactly how to explain it but I now know, in a way that I hadn't a month ago just how much I want this. That little edge of fear that followed me around has evaporated... if this works, I'm going to be just fine. More than that... I'm going to be ecstatic! My plan of action for this month is to go for day 3 testing, get some acupuncture and try to stomach royal jelly again. I'd like to get some monitoring but it doesn't look like I'm going to get an appointment with my RE before I ovulate so I'm not sure if I can make that happen. I feel a little like just relying on the OPK's is a long shot but I'm not prepared to examine my cervix and I've never monitored my temperature... also heard it wasn't that useful. I'd like to do more to get the timing right... I guess I'll talk to the nurse that does my blood work tomorrow and get some suggestions.
Is it strange that I think the 12 day wait to get into the 2 week wait is worse than that 2 week wait itself? At least during that time I know that I have done what I can and just maybe something is happening. Right now I am in overdrive trying to work out what more I can do and just wishing myself into ovulation... at least I can enjoy a glass of wine or two tonight I guess.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Still waiting...
I'm in the final stretch of the two week wait... I'm timing it from the 2nd IUI (I had back to backs.) This would take me to Wednesday... thing is that AF is due on Thursday so rather than take a test and doubt it, I am hoping to have the resilience to just wait til Thurs (or Fri) if it doesn't show.
I don't feel significantly different to usual. My boobs are always sore at this time of the month so that's not a new symptom... I do feel a little more emotional but that can easily be explained away by the stress that I must be feeling somewhere within for doing this... I've had an on and off ache in my stomach ever since the IUI's but I'm guessing my body didn't like being breached and that's just the side effect of it. Lastly I have been very tired the past few days... napping every day. Again, I explain this away because napping makes time go faster and I tend to become more tired when I'm under emotional strain.
Thus, in my brain = not pregnant.
Last night I went out and had a couple of glasses of bubbles with a friend... I let him pour red in my glass after that but I only pretended to sip on it... I didn't want to push it. Now, I know a lot of people don't know that they're pregnant, (my friend C. had a tequila fest a few days before she found out and she seems to be doing fine!) however, I can't knowingly do it! My friend wasn't suspicious as I'd told him I was going to do a bit of a cleanse for a month or two this year so he just thought it was that. It feels so weird to be acting as though I might be pregnant whilst feeling totally normal. Not that I need to drink to have a good time but I would have definitely enjoyed a glass of red with my entree and perhaps a cocktail to finish the night. I've never been a huge drinker... 3 drink limit and that only once every couple of weeks but I did miss it yesterday!
One cool thing about this 'I might be' stage is that I'm pulling out the tight dresses and rocking them. I figure I should enjoy my svelte figure while it lasts and wear that dress that might bring me a little extra attention. I am really appreciating being 'thin'. It sounds silly but who knows if I'll ever get my body back to how it is now... I've never had to think about weight before and have always said that I'd embrace pregnancy as it will give me a feeling of what it's like to be bigger bodied. I stand by that still... although I'm a little scare of the boob expansion!
That's all today... although if you're reading this I'd love if you'd follow me - even anonymously. I see people are stopping by and I have had the odd comment here and there but it would be nice to have just a few people brave enough to follow me so I know I'm not talking to an empty room all the time. Put a sort of face to the numbers.... no pressure.
I don't feel significantly different to usual. My boobs are always sore at this time of the month so that's not a new symptom... I do feel a little more emotional but that can easily be explained away by the stress that I must be feeling somewhere within for doing this... I've had an on and off ache in my stomach ever since the IUI's but I'm guessing my body didn't like being breached and that's just the side effect of it. Lastly I have been very tired the past few days... napping every day. Again, I explain this away because napping makes time go faster and I tend to become more tired when I'm under emotional strain.
Thus, in my brain = not pregnant.
Last night I went out and had a couple of glasses of bubbles with a friend... I let him pour red in my glass after that but I only pretended to sip on it... I didn't want to push it. Now, I know a lot of people don't know that they're pregnant, (my friend C. had a tequila fest a few days before she found out and she seems to be doing fine!) however, I can't knowingly do it! My friend wasn't suspicious as I'd told him I was going to do a bit of a cleanse for a month or two this year so he just thought it was that. It feels so weird to be acting as though I might be pregnant whilst feeling totally normal. Not that I need to drink to have a good time but I would have definitely enjoyed a glass of red with my entree and perhaps a cocktail to finish the night. I've never been a huge drinker... 3 drink limit and that only once every couple of weeks but I did miss it yesterday!
One cool thing about this 'I might be' stage is that I'm pulling out the tight dresses and rocking them. I figure I should enjoy my svelte figure while it lasts and wear that dress that might bring me a little extra attention. I am really appreciating being 'thin'. It sounds silly but who knows if I'll ever get my body back to how it is now... I've never had to think about weight before and have always said that I'd embrace pregnancy as it will give me a feeling of what it's like to be bigger bodied. I stand by that still... although I'm a little scare of the boob expansion!
That's all today... although if you're reading this I'd love if you'd follow me - even anonymously. I see people are stopping by and I have had the odd comment here and there but it would be nice to have just a few people brave enough to follow me so I know I'm not talking to an empty room all the time. Put a sort of face to the numbers.... no pressure.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Health Insurance
On March 1st my health insurance kicks in... Yay Obamacare! I've been able to afford a great policy which I'd never have been able to afford before. It covers a lot and has a small deductible/max out of pocket/whatever. Hallelujah!
Initially I had thought that nothing I was about to do as a Single woman trying for a child would be covered... now I have been told that all monitoring and medications will be paid for by the health insurance company. Of course the IUI's will come out of my own pocket but it's kind of comforting to know that next month I can get a little monitoring. (I've been planning next month since my 1st IUI as I'm still in denial this could have worked.)
So, if this month is a no go then I'll be doing day 3 testing and finding out if I have many eggs left and all of that fun stuff... Still saying no to drugs until I've done 3 rounds on my own.
Another benefit to health insurance that will save me money is that I will most likely just be filled with Mr Handsome once a month instead of back to backs.
On another note I went to get my progesterone levels checked yesterday and it came back great... a 16 which would more than promote a healthy pregnancy... again, that's with no drugs. I wasn't sure if it was 100% necessary but I was just interested to see what it said more than anything. It was a hell of a day. The RE office is an hour away and whilst I was there a huge snow storm blew in... was only meant to be a dusting. My car is no good in the snow and I usually don't drive it in such weather conditions... wiped out driving 20mph in a straight line and hit the barrier... ugh. Just when I thought I'd stretched my finances enough too.
The RE tried to get me in for a BETA test in a week but I refused it. I said I'd wait for my period and that would be my BETA test... if it fails to come then I'll take a home test and come and see them after 1st March! Trying to be as Zen as I can about the whole 2ww. It feels so unreal... like being pregnant couldn't possibly be an option. At the same time I cried 3 times yesterday and usually I only cry about once a year so I guess it's getting to me in the deep downs.
One more week to go... tick tock.
Initially I had thought that nothing I was about to do as a Single woman trying for a child would be covered... now I have been told that all monitoring and medications will be paid for by the health insurance company. Of course the IUI's will come out of my own pocket but it's kind of comforting to know that next month I can get a little monitoring. (I've been planning next month since my 1st IUI as I'm still in denial this could have worked.)
So, if this month is a no go then I'll be doing day 3 testing and finding out if I have many eggs left and all of that fun stuff... Still saying no to drugs until I've done 3 rounds on my own.
Another benefit to health insurance that will save me money is that I will most likely just be filled with Mr Handsome once a month instead of back to backs.
On another note I went to get my progesterone levels checked yesterday and it came back great... a 16 which would more than promote a healthy pregnancy... again, that's with no drugs. I wasn't sure if it was 100% necessary but I was just interested to see what it said more than anything. It was a hell of a day. The RE office is an hour away and whilst I was there a huge snow storm blew in... was only meant to be a dusting. My car is no good in the snow and I usually don't drive it in such weather conditions... wiped out driving 20mph in a straight line and hit the barrier... ugh. Just when I thought I'd stretched my finances enough too.
The RE tried to get me in for a BETA test in a week but I refused it. I said I'd wait for my period and that would be my BETA test... if it fails to come then I'll take a home test and come and see them after 1st March! Trying to be as Zen as I can about the whole 2ww. It feels so unreal... like being pregnant couldn't possibly be an option. At the same time I cried 3 times yesterday and usually I only cry about once a year so I guess it's getting to me in the deep downs.
One more week to go... tick tock.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
My first IUI... Swim Mr Handsome Swim!
It has been done! My first IUI experience is behind me! It was a little earlier than I expected it and I definitely had that 'oh shit, this is really happening' moment but I worked through it.
I'd not been expecting my LH surge for another 24 hours so in fairness it was only a day ahead of time... I had been using the Clear Blue digital OPK's and of course they changed the way they worked in January. Instead of just showing your two most fertile days they now tell you four. The almost fertile days blink and the most fertile days the smiley face stays solid.... got it? Right.
So on Monday I did 2 tests... both showed the blank circle. Tuesday morning I woke up early and peed and the face stays smiling and solid... I took a deep breath and called the clinic to tell them to defrost Mr Handsome and get him ready for me... then when I hung up I saw that the face was still inanely smiling at me...uh oh... on previous tests the face vanished after 10 mins. It had been an hour. Cue moderate panic. I ran and got a different type of OPK from the local CVS and checked that... those two lines are so hard to interpret but my best estimate was 'nearly fertile'.
I can't afford to be wrong on this! That equates to a thousand dollar mistake! I called Clear Blue. I explained the situation and asked what their advice was. Turns out that when they changed the tests they also changed more than just the new flashing smile feature... now when you're at your most fertile, the smile stays there for the full 48 hours... then it goes away ready to be used next month...
Phew! (but also a bit creepy.)
I was good to go. I do wish they'd explained this on the box however... would have saved me sweaty palms/brow/armpits!
So off I went to the clinic... was taken care of by a lovely nurse who was very sweet about it being my first time... she talked me through everything... I just experienced one spasm/cramp as she went into my cervix and then it was over. Laid there for 10 mins, she kept me company and chatted... wished me luck and then I left.
Went for coffee with another trier whom I met through SMC which was so needed. It's hard as I don't have anyone to talk to who has been through anything even remotely similar... I haven't made 'friends' in the forums yet so other than a couple of close friends I'm choosing to go through this on my own until there's something positive to tell.
Today I went for my back to back IUI (they do 2 per month.) I took a friend (the doula) and I'm so glad as todays nurse was far more clinical and unfriendly... and rough! I've had mild cramps since having the first one so it actually didn't make any difference when she went into my cervix today but it was a lot more uncomfortable than yesterday. Not that I'm complaining... it's a small price to pay and Mr Handsome gave me good numbers (26 & 22 million!)
It's so weird that this invasive, unpleasurable act might produce my first child! I'm so glad to live in an age where this is possible... I'm so grateful but also my mind is boggled... I feel like this child will truly be a miracle...
and so begins the two week wait.
I'd not been expecting my LH surge for another 24 hours so in fairness it was only a day ahead of time... I had been using the Clear Blue digital OPK's and of course they changed the way they worked in January. Instead of just showing your two most fertile days they now tell you four. The almost fertile days blink and the most fertile days the smiley face stays solid.... got it? Right.
So on Monday I did 2 tests... both showed the blank circle. Tuesday morning I woke up early and peed and the face stays smiling and solid... I took a deep breath and called the clinic to tell them to defrost Mr Handsome and get him ready for me... then when I hung up I saw that the face was still inanely smiling at me...uh oh... on previous tests the face vanished after 10 mins. It had been an hour. Cue moderate panic. I ran and got a different type of OPK from the local CVS and checked that... those two lines are so hard to interpret but my best estimate was 'nearly fertile'.
I can't afford to be wrong on this! That equates to a thousand dollar mistake! I called Clear Blue. I explained the situation and asked what their advice was. Turns out that when they changed the tests they also changed more than just the new flashing smile feature... now when you're at your most fertile, the smile stays there for the full 48 hours... then it goes away ready to be used next month...
Phew! (but also a bit creepy.)
I was good to go. I do wish they'd explained this on the box however... would have saved me sweaty palms/brow/armpits!
So off I went to the clinic... was taken care of by a lovely nurse who was very sweet about it being my first time... she talked me through everything... I just experienced one spasm/cramp as she went into my cervix and then it was over. Laid there for 10 mins, she kept me company and chatted... wished me luck and then I left.
Went for coffee with another trier whom I met through SMC which was so needed. It's hard as I don't have anyone to talk to who has been through anything even remotely similar... I haven't made 'friends' in the forums yet so other than a couple of close friends I'm choosing to go through this on my own until there's something positive to tell.
Today I went for my back to back IUI (they do 2 per month.) I took a friend (the doula) and I'm so glad as todays nurse was far more clinical and unfriendly... and rough! I've had mild cramps since having the first one so it actually didn't make any difference when she went into my cervix today but it was a lot more uncomfortable than yesterday. Not that I'm complaining... it's a small price to pay and Mr Handsome gave me good numbers (26 & 22 million!)
It's so weird that this invasive, unpleasurable act might produce my first child! I'm so glad to live in an age where this is possible... I'm so grateful but also my mind is boggled... I feel like this child will truly be a miracle...
and so begins the two week wait.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Almost there
My first IUI is just a couple of days away now and it can't come soon enough. I just want to get this first try over with. Honestly I'm keeping my expectations low as I've had no medication and no monitoring... When I read others blogs and forums it seems that everyone's had 3 day testing, ultra sounds... they know the length of their follicles and other such information overload.
I know nothing other than that I'm going to ovulate in the next 48 hours or so and then I will go for my IUI's.
It's not like I've been doing nothing to promote healthy chances of conception... in fact I've never been busier! I went to an ayurveda lady and thus I am now taking aloe vera juice, drinking Ojas tea (made with organic, homemade ghee) every morning, giving myself pre-shower massages with food grade coconut oil & doing at least 5 mins of breathing exercises a day.
On top of this I am of course taking my pre-natal vitamins, drinking raspberry leaf tea and taking Royal Jelly once a day (It's disgusting FYI).
So yes... hippy route for the first attempt and then next month I'll try acupuncture and hit my health insurance with a little monitoring. No meds for me til the 3rd try (which hopefully I won't need!)
I'm nervous and excited... Everyone I've told has been supremely supportive and excited for me... not one shred of judgement.
Having said this I've not told many people... I don't think it's anyone's business but my own and I've no idea what I'm going to say when (if) I do become pregnant and start to show... I guess I'll cross this bridge when it happens... I wish I knew other people going through this at the same time as me.
So I'm wishing myself luck and hoping for a miracle on the first go...
I know nothing other than that I'm going to ovulate in the next 48 hours or so and then I will go for my IUI's.
It's not like I've been doing nothing to promote healthy chances of conception... in fact I've never been busier! I went to an ayurveda lady and thus I am now taking aloe vera juice, drinking Ojas tea (made with organic, homemade ghee) every morning, giving myself pre-shower massages with food grade coconut oil & doing at least 5 mins of breathing exercises a day.
On top of this I am of course taking my pre-natal vitamins, drinking raspberry leaf tea and taking Royal Jelly once a day (It's disgusting FYI).
So yes... hippy route for the first attempt and then next month I'll try acupuncture and hit my health insurance with a little monitoring. No meds for me til the 3rd try (which hopefully I won't need!)
I'm nervous and excited... Everyone I've told has been supremely supportive and excited for me... not one shred of judgement.
Having said this I've not told many people... I don't think it's anyone's business but my own and I've no idea what I'm going to say when (if) I do become pregnant and start to show... I guess I'll cross this bridge when it happens... I wish I knew other people going through this at the same time as me.
So I'm wishing myself luck and hoping for a miracle on the first go...
Sunday, February 2, 2014
F. W. B. Perhaps a little TMI.
I've just spent the last 24 hours with my Friend W/ Benefits. We've been working this 'not a relationship' for 5 months or so now and it's been kind of perfect. I'm not at a point where I want to be seriously involved with anyone... it's too little too late right now... I don't want my plans derailed or put on hold any longer...
Obviously, due to the frequency of our trysts together I've been totally honest with FWB about my plans... his first instinct was guided by his machismo and he offered to be the known donor. We've spoken at length about that but it's not an option. He's ultimately a good guy and I don't think he'd be able to just walk away from it... plus he doesn't want kids... then if something happened to me what would he do? He'd feel obligated to take this child who probably wouldn't know him very well... so anyways... a mountain of reasons why not to take him up on it.
Today though he asked me how the plans were going along and I told him that yes indeed, this is the month it begins. He has decided that at this point he needs to stop sleeping with me as he doesn't want there to be any doubts in his mind as to the paternity of the child... he feels that no matter how safe we are from this point in he will still have this bit of worry. I totally understand and I know it's for the best but I'm a bit disappointed.
Who knows if he will waver... we plan on still hanging out and doing stuff together but to stop short of sex. I hope that he doesn't back off completely because he has become my guy bestie and confidante...
I never in a million years dreamed that trying to conceive would mean that I'd have to stop having sex!! What a backwards world I live in right now...
I guess I'm lucky to have had the past few months... being with him has made me more positive that this is what I need to do and I've had a lot of fun along the way... hopefully this drought won't last long and then I'll be able to have it all... baby in belly and sex on tap again in a couple of months...
Wish me luck!
Obviously, due to the frequency of our trysts together I've been totally honest with FWB about my plans... his first instinct was guided by his machismo and he offered to be the known donor. We've spoken at length about that but it's not an option. He's ultimately a good guy and I don't think he'd be able to just walk away from it... plus he doesn't want kids... then if something happened to me what would he do? He'd feel obligated to take this child who probably wouldn't know him very well... so anyways... a mountain of reasons why not to take him up on it.
Today though he asked me how the plans were going along and I told him that yes indeed, this is the month it begins. He has decided that at this point he needs to stop sleeping with me as he doesn't want there to be any doubts in his mind as to the paternity of the child... he feels that no matter how safe we are from this point in he will still have this bit of worry. I totally understand and I know it's for the best but I'm a bit disappointed.
Who knows if he will waver... we plan on still hanging out and doing stuff together but to stop short of sex. I hope that he doesn't back off completely because he has become my guy bestie and confidante...
I never in a million years dreamed that trying to conceive would mean that I'd have to stop having sex!! What a backwards world I live in right now...
I guess I'm lucky to have had the past few months... being with him has made me more positive that this is what I need to do and I've had a lot of fun along the way... hopefully this drought won't last long and then I'll be able to have it all... baby in belly and sex on tap again in a couple of months...
Wish me luck!
Monday, January 27, 2014
I chose a donor!
The Process of choosing a donor was overwhelming in
a whole different way... I mean, I've done internet dating and can
scroll through hundreds of people without ever clicking on a profile -
and that's just for going out on a date!! How on earth was I going to
choose a father for my child and what was my criteria going to be???
Sperm banks are all so different. Some give you hardly any information and no photos whilst others are full of information and give you the option of viewing 'lifetime photo's'... I went for the latter.
The other thing to consider is whether to chose a donor who wished to remain anonymous forever or one who is willing to be known. This means that the child will be granted a meeting with the donor when they reach 18 years of age. I always knew I wanted a donor who was willing to be known and then this show came on MTV which made me even more convinced: Generation Cryo It follows a 17 year old girl who is trying to find her anonymous sperm donor. During the show she meets up with many of her 15 donor siblings and it was great for me to see how well adjusted these kids were... some were more comfortable than others about their conception but that's to be expected. They were successful at finding their donor and he was interested in having contact with them. It could have gone either way... I want my future teenager to not have to worry about that at least.
Over the course of a couple of weeks I sat in front of my computer many times trying to summon the courage to choose a donor. I was overwhelmed. I called my good friend 'The Doula', to come and help me out. She has the perfect character to help me with such a task... she knows how to get me to me trust my gut instinct.
I paid my $300 to get full access for 3 months of all of the contenders. It sounds like a lot but it actually ends up saving you $600 if you buy 6 'vials' at once - which I did.
I knew I wanted a white male, at least 6ft tall with a good jawline to counteract my lack of one. Obviously good family health within reason and not overly religious as I'm not going to be bringing my child up in any religion and I don't want to be disrespectful of their roots. I guess smart but artsy would be a bonus.
I needed an IUI donor so I narrowed it down to just these. After a couple of hours of no success (round faced, too geeky, no, no, no! etc) I accidentally clicked on Mr Handsome! A perfect jawline, full lips, olive skin, smart, ambitious and kind. He's a little introverted but that's fine with me... this guy reads like all the best parts of all of my exes and what's more he looks like guys I've dated!
I found the one and I didn't even have to talk to him!!!
The Doula and I ran some numbers on him because that's what we do... his numbers worked out fine... everything dissolved down to a 3 which is a magic number for me... I'm looking for signs where I can get them ok?
But wait... he only has ICI available... eeek! I need IUI... I have to wait 2 days to find out if this is a problem.
I call my clinic and hurray! They can wash the sperm there and what's more it's going to be about $60 cheaper a try for them to do it onsite.
I call the sperm bank... on Saturday it said that he was available but on Monday it says to call. Turns out Mr Handsome is popular with the ladies and is nearly sold out! I take 6 of his remaining 7 vials... 7 is not my lucky number. He doesn't have any reported pregnancies yet but that's because he's brand new... fingers crossed I'll be one of his first!
So 6 vials including shipping cost $3400. I'm estimating that I'll spend about $1800 a month on trying as each month you are inseminated twice. I have enough for 3 months and that, as you know is a magic number!
First try mid February... I'm taking my vitamins, trying to keep stress to a minimum and being extra kind to people to increase my good karma in the universe...
Fingers crossed!
Sperm banks are all so different. Some give you hardly any information and no photos whilst others are full of information and give you the option of viewing 'lifetime photo's'... I went for the latter.
The other thing to consider is whether to chose a donor who wished to remain anonymous forever or one who is willing to be known. This means that the child will be granted a meeting with the donor when they reach 18 years of age. I always knew I wanted a donor who was willing to be known and then this show came on MTV which made me even more convinced: Generation Cryo It follows a 17 year old girl who is trying to find her anonymous sperm donor. During the show she meets up with many of her 15 donor siblings and it was great for me to see how well adjusted these kids were... some were more comfortable than others about their conception but that's to be expected. They were successful at finding their donor and he was interested in having contact with them. It could have gone either way... I want my future teenager to not have to worry about that at least.
Over the course of a couple of weeks I sat in front of my computer many times trying to summon the courage to choose a donor. I was overwhelmed. I called my good friend 'The Doula', to come and help me out. She has the perfect character to help me with such a task... she knows how to get me to me trust my gut instinct.
I paid my $300 to get full access for 3 months of all of the contenders. It sounds like a lot but it actually ends up saving you $600 if you buy 6 'vials' at once - which I did.
I knew I wanted a white male, at least 6ft tall with a good jawline to counteract my lack of one. Obviously good family health within reason and not overly religious as I'm not going to be bringing my child up in any religion and I don't want to be disrespectful of their roots. I guess smart but artsy would be a bonus.
I needed an IUI donor so I narrowed it down to just these. After a couple of hours of no success (round faced, too geeky, no, no, no! etc) I accidentally clicked on Mr Handsome! A perfect jawline, full lips, olive skin, smart, ambitious and kind. He's a little introverted but that's fine with me... this guy reads like all the best parts of all of my exes and what's more he looks like guys I've dated!
I found the one and I didn't even have to talk to him!!!
The Doula and I ran some numbers on him because that's what we do... his numbers worked out fine... everything dissolved down to a 3 which is a magic number for me... I'm looking for signs where I can get them ok?
But wait... he only has ICI available... eeek! I need IUI... I have to wait 2 days to find out if this is a problem.
I call my clinic and hurray! They can wash the sperm there and what's more it's going to be about $60 cheaper a try for them to do it onsite.
I call the sperm bank... on Saturday it said that he was available but on Monday it says to call. Turns out Mr Handsome is popular with the ladies and is nearly sold out! I take 6 of his remaining 7 vials... 7 is not my lucky number. He doesn't have any reported pregnancies yet but that's because he's brand new... fingers crossed I'll be one of his first!
So 6 vials including shipping cost $3400. I'm estimating that I'll spend about $1800 a month on trying as each month you are inseminated twice. I have enough for 3 months and that, as you know is a magic number!
First try mid February... I'm taking my vitamins, trying to keep stress to a minimum and being extra kind to people to increase my good karma in the universe...
Fingers crossed!
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