4 months old, first Christmas

It's been a while, lack of computer still keeping me off of blogging. iPad makes it so sluggish and  for some reason  I have never fully grasped how to use speech to text.

my little one is now 4 months old and the light of my life. He has been such an easy baby. Except for when he was born I didn't hear him cry until he was about 5 weeks old (because he was hungry in his car seat. Easy fix.) He has been a good sleeper from the get go. I have never been sleep deprived. I had terrible insomnia during the TTC process and whilst pregnant. The second X was born I felt a weight lift off of me. The stress dissolved and I could finally relax as it was all over. Maybe he picked up on this because he is a chilled out little guy.

I had no idea that infants have a personality. I had always said that I'd be happy to be handed a six month old and go from there... How wrong I was! This kid is full of character. He smiles easily, he coos and chats up a storm. He's patient when you change his clothes and his diaper. He's snugly and gentle. He's also huge! We are already in 12 month pjs. He's so long. Thighs for days and cheeks for weeks. A proper little Buddha! 88th percentile for weight and 94th for height. I don't think we will be in the bucket seat for too long. It already seems pretty snug!

I took him across the country when he was 5 weeks old to meet his cousins and aunties. Flying was a breeze as he was so small he just slept. I just love having a little travel companion.  We plan on going to meet a lot of his diblings in May which I'm looking forward to. I think they're such a valuable resource for him and hope that he will be close to at least a couple of them as he gets older. The likelihood of me having another is slim. It took me so much to get him here. I wish I could do it as I want him to have someone to share childhood memories with and to be here for him when I am not but I really don't think that it is to be. Finances and fertility are not on my side! Not that I am sad. I'm beyond happy that I have my son. I love waking up to his face in the morning and look forward to the adventures we will have.

It's mind boggling to go back a year. I was barely pregnant and equal parts excited and fearful. I felt like my body was wrapped in a fragile bubble and I was so careful with it. I hadn't even had my first ultrasound. I tried to imagine what the next Christmas would be like but could only talk in maybes and what ifs. I pretty much spent the first half of my pregnancy that way. And now he lies under his activity mat playing contentedly. He squeals intermittently and tries to breastfeed off of the hanging mirror.

What a difference a year makes.

BEST.GIFT.EVER

Happy holidays to you all. May your baby dreams come true.

Pics of my little miracle...

I had wanted to share these with you last time but I wasn't able to upload to blogger from ipad... but here he is.  My perfect little human being on the day he came out!

Would you look at those hands?!  He was like a puppy with over sized paws - I'm sure he'll grow into them!

I'm finally a Mummy!

Tomorrow my beautiful little boy will be a month old. It's safe to say that I did it! I am still pinching myself and awakening with a smile on my face when I see my perfect little son safely sleeping at my side. There's no words to describe the happiness and the peace I feel in my core since his arrival.

So his birth story must be told!

I went in for my scheduled c section having spent a sleepless night watching my belly roll and my pelvis take its final kicks... All the while hoping he had flipped which of course he didn't. I was at the hospital at 5.30 am and on the 3rd attempt they got the IV in. (I still have a bruise from one of the tries!) I had my final ultrasound. Butt down confirmed. Off I went to the OR for my spinal. To say I was petrified was an understatement. My surgeries consist of egg retrievals, a D&C and a small breast lump removal as a teen. The thought of having my abdomen cut open terrified me even though I knew the reward was worth it!

I had a wonderful anaesthesiologist who talked me through everything. The spinal was uncomfortable, painful even but not for long. The feeling of your legs going numb is horrible, like your body is dying and there's nothing you can do. People around you moving you, inserting catheter, putting those sticky monitor pads on you and painting you orange! Then they brought my mother in and the tugging, pushing and pulling began. My Mum was great at distracting me but I am not gonna pretend that I was fearless! Finally my anaesthesiologist told me he could see the babies bottom emerging so it wouldn't be long. A few minutes later he emerged and I saw his legs as they whizzed him across the room to make sure he was ok. I had very distinct wishes for skin to skin right after but it turns out that both of our temps had dropped during the birth and he needed to be under a heat lamp while they tried to get my temp up too. They had him propped up under the lamp for a moment so I could see him but it was quick and I had no idea what was happening. I sent my mum to go and look at him to check he was ok. She had said she wanted me to see him first which was so sweet but it was more important right then that I knew he was fine! So she was with him while I went through the shakes (didn't last long at all) and craned my neck to get glimpses of my son as they tugged and pulled at my insides some more!

Finally he was brought to me and placed on my chest. This stranger who I already loved so much and who's face I hadn't yet seen. I wasn't allowed to look at him because they had us covered in blankets so I could just see the top of his head and his nose. I was finally distracted from my abdomen and was wheeled into the recovery room where an hour and five minutes after his birth my baby breast fed. Like a champion!

The day passed in a happy haze. Our temperatures stabilized after a few hours. I sent out just a couple of he's arrived type texts to family and a couple Single Mom friends. I just wanted the day to ourselves to gaze in wonder at my son.

I was lucky. My little took to the breast and the hospital had lactation consultants on hand whom I called in every time I fed for the first 24 hours. I was determined to master it and by day 3 we had it down! My night nurse let me co sleep with him from the 2nd night so I had 7 hours sleep that night and 8 on the 3rd night! I was having to set an alarm to wake him to feed! I feel so fortunate that they let us sleep this way as we continued it when I got home. Skin to skin for the first 3.5 weeks. I just put him in pjs a couple nights ago as it got cold. He's never been swaddled... He's taking Up as much space in the world as he can already!  He's remained a good sleeper albeit I'm up twice every night for feeds but it's less than the pregnancy insomnia I suffered before. He also doesn't cry. He lets out a squeak if he is hungry, dirty or wants to be burped. He will turn this into a cry if he's in the car seat and can't be catered to but his crying is short and easily sourced and fixed.

So all in all a dream baby, but let's face it, I was going to think anything was a dream baby.  I just think that I relaxed so much as soon as he was on my chest that he sensed it and responded in kind. My struggles are over and I got my dream. He can scream, cry, poop, tantrum all he likes and I'll still have hearts in my eyeballs and think he's cute. I'll revisit this post in a couple years but for now here he is... My lovely gremlin.

Last day of being pregnant!

Can you believe that it's here?!  My final day of being pregnant has arrived....

What a ride it has been... my little flipper was breach the entire pregnancy until I hit 32 weeks when he miraculously flipped to put himself in the perfect position for a vaginal birth.  I was so happy and immediately changed hospitals to one with a great reputation for low intervention natural birth (not to mention it was closer to my home also!)  I fell in love with the midwives and started studying hypnobirthing.

Then, at 36 weeks he flipped back to breach! 

I've tried acupuncture, Mayan abdominal massage, crawling around my house on all fours, off the couch inversions, icing my belly to encourage him to move his head away from the cold...  nothing has worked... so I'm now scheduled to have a C section at the new hospital (tomorrow morning.)  The warmth of the staff there radiates reassurance and my fears are a lot less than they were a couple of months ago.

So I am bidding farewell to this pregnancy which has been the most amazing experience.  As I've mentioned before I've had it easy.  My main gripes were food aversions and rib pain... then towards the end painful feet that led me to have to stop work at 36 weeks.  No longer was being on my feet without a break for 8 hours working out for me.  The scorching humidity has been tough but everyone around me is suffering... its' nothing that a day at the beach couldn't take care of (although I wasn't able to do this as much as I liked.)  The friendly movement inside my belly has now become a little tortuous albeit still reassuring.

I have learned that the reason it's hard for pregnant women to move, no matter the size of their bellies is because they have a human splint down their torso that makes it impossible to bend down, lean forward (or breakdance if they were so inclined.)  I have gained a little under 30lbs and can say it's mostly belly, butt and boobs.... but still, carrying extra weight is no joke!!  Particularly in 100 degree weather. 

I will miss my bump, the smiles and the kind words from strangers that I receive every time I leave the house.  I will miss the wonderment of watching my stomach contort into an ocean of movement... of feeling like my chair is being  hit from beneath when it's me who is being kicked from within.  I will miss the daydreams, of being able to take my little everywhere with me. 

I will not forget the enormous gratitude I have to the universe for finally making my dream of pregnancy come true... for ending the way I would feel after countless failures and trying to resign myself to giving up on being a Mother.  Of laying in my bed at night and wondering what it would feel like to build a life inside of me... I will not forget my years spent believing I was infertile.  I hope that my struggles help someone else reading this one distant day to keep on going... to choose being broke and happy over money in the bank, fun vacations but an empty feeling in your heart. 

I know that having children is not for everyone and I've spent long weeks envying my friends for whom the idea having a child is akin to their worst nightmare... I wished that my life felt as complete as theirs so clearly is without this weight upon them.  I still have so much respect for those people..as I do for anyone who knows what they want and lives it.

So tomorrow I will hold my little boy in my arms and the future will open up to us in brand new ways... my belly will deflate as my heart inflates... my story is over but it has also just begun.

36+4 weeks

3 more days until little makes it to full term! Cannot believe I'm here!

I gave up work just over a week ago, spending 8-11 hours solidly on my feeling was taking my feet into areas of pain I didn't think possible. Simply not enjoyable. Plus I'm limited on the time I can take off after the due date so I figured may as well enjoy some time getting things done before. It's nice not to hear the constant "it goes so fast/do you have a name / haven't you had that baby yet?" Comments too!

Am I ready? Yes, totally.  Bag is packed and little has multiple places to sleep. He will start off in a co sleeper and we will go from there. I've been loaned and gifted all he might need and then some. So glad that a lot of it can go back to the people who loaned it to me so my house escapes accumulation of at least some of the clutter.

It has been adventures in flipping for this kid. He spent the entire pregnancy breach until 32 weeks when he got head down and ready! Was so excited, changed hospitals and moved to a midwife/Dr hospital closer to my home. 35 weeks, perfect position again and then 35.3 days he flipped to breach again! I've been doing all manner of things to get him to move back... Spinning babies poses, Accupuncture, diet, sleeping on my right side, elevating my pelvis. I can't have a version due to my uterus shape but if anyone has any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them.

Had a weird ultrasound where the nurse asked if I had a name for my boy and I said "not yet" and she told me I need to hurry up as he's nearly here.... I told her his name was staying in my head until he is born and she actually got sh*tty with me, she told me that She has a thing with names, that i am never going to see her again so she doesn't see why I wouldn't tell her. Bear in mind I also had a family member there that doesn't know my name choices.  I just told her that I want my son to be the one to know his name first. Well, the ultrasound was awkward. She didn't show us baby's face or even try to, didn't get any pictures and was curt with me until the very end. I had to ask her about his size and fluid etc. let me tell you it made me so glad that I've changed hospitals. Nobody needs that attitude. I had a mind to complain but I don't have the energy.

So now I wait and keep fingers crossed he flips one last time, that my time spent doing hypnobabies is not in vain and that in a little under 4 weeks I get to meet my longed and fought for little man.

30 weeks aka 7.5 months

Here I am, closing in on the finish line. A maximum of 9 more weeks to go and then my little will finally arrive!

Baby boy is still breach and seemingly very comfortable in said position. I have monthly ultrasounds where he can be seen chewing his feet and hands. His bum is always squarely positioned on my bladder and as he gets bigger that has made coughing, sneezing and being more than five minutes from a restroom rather dangerous. His bladder kicks can take the air out of me!  He's still running big, in the 82nd percentile at last measurement and now I can feel exactly where his head is by feeling my belly. If I rub his legs and he happens to be awake I can usually encourage some movement out of him. Amazing! And I still feel pretty good albeit getting a bit more tired and achy in my feet after 8 hours of working on them.

What all of this means is that I'm highly likely to end up with a c section. I let go of my disappointment some time ago. I have the support to cope with the recovery. My mother will sleep in the spare room and help me to lift him to feed if I'm struggling for those early few days. We will be fine. So many people don't end up with the birth plan they hoped for and its almost easier to know you'll have a c section than to end up with one after hours or days of labor and then have to recover from both!

In renovation news I can say the house is done! I have about one more day of work for my carpenter friend but it's finishing stuff like putting up shelves, putting locks on doors, installing a screen door, smoke detector and draft excluder. My house looks beautiful - and ready! Littles clothes are washed and organized into stacks. Now I just have to put them into bins and label them! In two months I'll be sharing his arrival with you all and it still just seems so wonderful, exciting and surreal!

5.5 months

More than 5 months pregnant and a day away from 24 weeks and the magical viability date. I cannot believe I'm here! 

Pregnancy so far has been very kind to me. I had no sickness and the food aversions calmed down. I'm just left to being horrified by the idea of mussels which really hasn't proven to be a problem at all! As far as aches and pains go I've been wildly uncomfortable in a bra for months. My ribs are so sore. In spite of my 34E boobs I've managed to go braless most of the time. For work I make do with a tank top with built in shelf. My boobs are like rocks so they're not moving when I walk around... Haha. 

And baby boy... He's doing awesome, my placenta is at the rear so I've been feeling regular movement since 14 weeks. Now it's intense and my whole belly moves from his shenanigans. I have no idea if it's hands or feet, knees or elbows but he is busy in there!  I love it. It's so reassuring to feel him and to see the reverberations. I really really love being pregnant. Of course the anxiety is there but I focus on the positive and banish the worries. I just try to enjoy every moment of this once in a lifetime experience. I cannot wait to meet him but then again I'm also excited to see how my pregnancy progresses and feels as it goes on.

My uterus also seems to be doing a good job of expanding. I now feel movement on my right hand side which I hadn't expected so soon. It's measuring on target and my cervix is staying long as witnessed at my bi weekly appointments. 

So now we wait and see if I'm a candidate for vaginal birth or not. It will all depend on his position. Breach is common with this kind of uterus but if he gets in a good position then there's no reason I couldn't attempt a natural birth. I'll go into that more when I know more. 

I am still in a state of disbelief that ivf finally worked for me. I was so convinced I was never going to be a mother. Maybe that's why I've had a lack of panic moments. I never worry about how my life will change and the huge responsibility that's about to befall me. I have led a very fun, adventurous, travel filled existence and I have been bored with it for years. I just want to be a mother and when he's big enough I plan to show the world to him! Soon as he can get vaccines, we are off on new adventures. .. But first I have to get him here safely. 

I finally sign off happily! 

We're half way there!

What a milestone... Almost 20 weeks pregnant so officially half way there although unofficially I believe I will go early due to my small uterus and high chance of needing a c section. Not complaining!

So far pregnancy has treated me well. No morning sickness, just food aversions and obsessions. I subsisted on apples and Jarlsberg cheese for about 2 weeks, developed a love of yoghurt and a distaste for meat as well as a horror for the smell of fish cooking. The only fish I've managed to eat is canned tuna fish every couple weeks and my omega 3 pills.... I've been able to take it easy on days I work and that's meant that I've barely had any fatigue compared to others accounts of falling asleep at desks and such! It's definitely harder when I work til 2am but manageable. The 20 minute drive home is not fun. Still, all in all I think I've escaped lightly and pray this continues.

Had my anatomy ultrasound today. Drove through the freak April snow storm to see my little blob had turned into a thumb sucking tiny boy... So amazing. He's measuring 95th percentile for growth and that puts him 8 days ahead of his due date. At this stage I'm happy for him to be bigger. I hope he slows down as we go on though as I fear he may run out of space in my unicorn uterus. He's breach right now. Obviously it's way early for that to matter but my gut has told me that I'll end up with a c section. It makes me wonder if this is the comfiest spot for him to be in.

Been feeling him move since about 14.5 weeks although it took me a week and a half to be sure that's what it was. The feeling has changed from a tickle to a combination of thuds and tickles. I love them all! I can't even imagine how weird it will feel as he gets bigger.

Worked on my baby registry today too. It was on the way home and gave a break from driving in the snow. Also meant that the store was empty so could really test drive the stuff in peace! Gonna hit the yard sales and see what I can get second hand with some exceptions (car seat, stroller etc). It's all feeling very real and wonderfully exciting. Have mini moons planned to have some fun before I am too tired to have fun. Can't wait to bring him on adventures!

 I think it's finally sinking in that I'm actually having a baby.

Day 120, the soul arrives...

There is a belief that's common in a few eastern cultures that the human soul arrives on day 120 of gestation. Having done ivf and being very sure of the age of my child I can say confidently that today is his 120th day of existence.

Whilst none of these cultures can be claimed as my own I have a good friend who has been excited about this day since I told her my news some weeks ago! We have a lunch date planned as part of our celebration and I know that she was up at 4am doing some ritual that welcomed his tiny soul into the world. I know this because she sent me a text and a picture of the sun rising announcing the day.

I am enjoying this belief. I wonder about the soul and today feels like a good day for it to arrive. I feel like it's all becoming more real, planning a baby shower, feeling tiny tickles within me.

Last night when I was driving home at around 11.30pm I saw a shooting star ahead of me. I witnessed its beginning, its end and the trail it left. It was so bright! It seemed so close that I wondered how it had missed the earth. I thought to myself "he has arrived!" And last night I slept so well, so calmly and worried about nothing.

Welcome little boy.

12 weeks

I can't believe I'm getting to write this but I've actually made it to 12 weeks. The magical number where people start making Facebook announcements and telling everyone they meet...

Not quite there yet. In fact Facebook won't be getting any announcements until there's an actual, real life baby here.

So far so good. I'd consider myself lucky. No sickness but some queasyness that has been very easy to live with. The fatigue was manageable. I work nights so I can be lazy during the day and have a nap and use my energies at work. Even done ok with the 2am nights. I think my biggest pregnancy symptom has been food aversion. subsisted on bread, cakes, cheese and apples for a few weeks there!  Seems to have passed now thankfully. My mother has been wonderful juicing for us and preparing meals which I may or may not turn down. Still living with her as my house is not finished being renovated. (6 months now but it has to be finished in 10 days!)

Have had trouble finding an obgyn. The first one i went to was so scatty and unorganized. She had me get undressed for a pap, dressed again for an ultrasound but then remembered that I was too early for an abdominal ultrasound so had me get undressed again for an internal. Got in there then saw I had a full bladder (I'd been with her 2 hours at this point) and made me go to the bathroom naked w a sheet wrapped around me. Finally saw baby! She had never heard of what I have and was very dismissive and didn't offer me any extra care which my RE said I would need. All in all I felt very uncomfortable leaving my unborn child in her care. Meeting two new ones at the end of the month. Hopefully I will like the lady at the new clinic as its so much cleaner and has parking which is key!

I'm so happy but still flat about being pregnant. Trying to enjoy my pregnancy and not indulge the constant fear that my malformed uterus is going to spit this child out before it's cooked. Belly has started to pop which I'm happy for. Nobody can see it yet but I've had to change my wardrobe for work to flowier options. Want to wait til end of month before making the announcement there. Enjoying my lovely secret just a little longer.

7 weeks and a heartbeat!

Sorry for the delay in a post... It's not that I didn't think about it or want to do it, more that I was letting the world play out without having another blog post about my bitter disappointment.

So luckily, this is actually about my cautious joy at being currently 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant and being witness to the tiny little snowflakes beating heart not once, but twice!

It hasn't been totally smooth of course. I peed on a stick 5 days after transfer and got my faint, squinter of a positive. As I freaked myself out that the lines weren't getting darker quick enough I finally pulled my beta forward a day as patience was not on my side! A nice beta of 115 if I recall correctly. Second beta followed and was 465.

I had a small bleed on Christmas Day which I was very calm about but a few days later, out to dinner with a friend and I had a big bleed! I thought it was all over. I was sure I'd lost a pregnancy again but an ultrasound the next day at 5 wk 4 days showed a strong heartbeat instead of the empty uterus I'd imagined. Probably the most amazing and unexpected thing I've ever seen in my life.

Since then all has been well. I've not had a single "oh shit!" Moment. I've spent so long getting here that I just don't have time for second thoughts. This little kid needs to get here in one healthy piece to recieve so much love. I can't believe it's happening. I'm so excited to get a belly. Now my biggest challenge is to stay grounded and make this next 5 weeks go fast. I think I'll really relax after I hit the magic 12 week mark.

Oh and so far my symptoms are manageable. Mild nausea and boobs that done feel like they belong on this body!