The Process of choosing a donor was overwhelming in
a whole different way... I mean, I've done internet dating and can
scroll through hundreds of people without ever clicking on a profile -
and that's just for going out on a date!! How on earth was I going to
choose a father for my child and what was my criteria going to be???
Sperm
banks are all so different. Some give you hardly any information and
no photos whilst others are full of information and give you the option
of viewing 'lifetime photo's'... I went for the latter.
The
other thing to consider is whether to chose a donor who wished to
remain anonymous forever or one who is willing to be known. This means
that the child will be granted a meeting with the donor when they reach
18 years of age. I always knew I wanted a donor who was willing to be
known and then this show came on MTV which made me even more convinced: Generation Cryo
It follows a 17 year old girl who is trying to find her anonymous sperm
donor. During the show she meets up with many of her 15 donor siblings
and it was great for me to see how well adjusted these kids were...
some were more comfortable than others about their conception but that's
to be expected. They were successful at finding their donor and he was
interested in having contact with them. It could have gone either way... I want my future teenager to not have to worry about that at least.
Over
the course of a couple of weeks I sat in front of my computer many
times trying to summon the courage to choose a donor. I was
overwhelmed. I called my good friend 'The Doula', to come and help me
out. She has the perfect character to help me with such a task... she
knows how to get me to me trust my gut instinct.
I
paid my $300 to get full access for 3 months of all of the contenders.
It sounds like a lot but it actually ends up saving you $600 if you buy
6 'vials' at once - which I did.
I knew I wanted a white male, at least 6ft tall
with a good jawline to counteract my lack of one. Obviously good
family health within reason and not overly religious as I'm not going to
be bringing my child up in any religion and I don't want to be
disrespectful of their roots. I guess smart but artsy would be a bonus.
I needed an IUI donor so I narrowed it down to just these. After a couple of hours of no success (round faced, too geeky, no, no, no!
etc) I accidentally clicked on Mr Handsome! A perfect jawline, full
lips, olive skin, smart, ambitious and kind. He's a little introverted
but that's fine with me... this guy reads like all the best parts of all
of my exes and what's more he looks like guys I've dated!
I found the one and I didn't even have to talk to him!!!
The
Doula and I ran some numbers on him because that's what we do... his
numbers worked out fine... everything dissolved down to a 3 which is a
magic number for me... I'm looking for signs where I can get them ok?
But wait... he only has ICI available... eeek! I need IUI... I have to wait 2 days to find out if this is a problem.
I
call my clinic and hurray! They can wash the sperm there and what's
more it's going to be about $60 cheaper a try for them to do it
onsite.
I
call the sperm bank... on Saturday it said that he was available but on
Monday it says to call. Turns out Mr Handsome is popular with the
ladies and is nearly sold out! I take 6 of his remaining 7 vials... 7
is not my lucky number. He doesn't have any reported pregnancies yet
but that's because he's brand new... fingers crossed I'll be one of his
first!
So
6 vials including shipping cost $3400. I'm estimating that I'll spend
about $1800 a month on trying as each month you are inseminated twice. I
have enough for 3 months and that, as you know is a magic number!
First
try mid February... I'm taking my vitamins, trying to keep stress to a
minimum and being extra kind to people to increase my good karma in the
universe...
Fingers crossed!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Getting started...
Once I had decided to choose to try to get pregnant via a donor I was instantly overwhelmed with how to do it. I googled but it wasn't much help (or I wasn't googling the right thing.) I never thought to look for blogs... luckily through the Foster parent agency I was put in touch with 'Janet' and she gave me the name of the place she'd been inseminated at. She'd had a great experience and it was run by women which is a definite plus in my opinion.
Did I tell you I don't have health insurance??? It turns out that at this stage in the game I wouldn't really benefit from it too much anyways... health insurance companies don't have much empathy for women until they've been trying for 6 months (and are in a relationship/marriage.) I've done everything so far out of pocket so I'll tell you costs in case you're interested... skim read if you're not. I'm also putting things in the order that it's easiest to do this without using health insurance.
Stage 1
Get to know your cycle. Buy fertility kits. I use the clear blue ones, they're expensive but accurate. Even though I thought I knew my cycle I was surprised that I was a day or two off on what I assumed were my fertile days. Monitor your LH surge for at least a couple of months. I have heard of people examining their cervix and taking their temperatures but I haven't done this either. Don't forget to keep a record of your cycle. I use an app - iperiod.
Stage 2
Book an appointment with your doctor and get tested for EVERYTHING... HIV, Chlamydia and basically every sexually transmitted disease you can think of. Also ask them to check your thyroid and your CMV status (Important when choosing donor - but only if you're negative... 85% of people are positive so don't worry if you are!) Finally if you don't know your blood group type then ask that too... I went to a means tested clinic and the visit cost me $40. The lab charged me $300 for all the tests but I'm paying it off monthly so not a big deal. Make sure that they mail you a hard copy of your results so that you can take it to the midwife/clinic where the insemination will be done.
Stage 3
Research and find a place that will do the insemination for you and book an appointment. Midwife offices are helpful but I went to a center for Infertility. Initially the Doctor wanted to put me on fertility drugs, give me a thorough internal exploratory examination, ultra sounds etc... until I explained my lack of health insurance and my unwillingness to put unnecessary drugs into my body. I want to give myself the opportunity to do this without fertility drugs for the first couple of attempts... then we can talk! Luckily she was very sympathetic and kept testing to a minimum... cost of visit $300. The center has storage onsite which means that you can have the sperm sent to the clinic in advance without having to worry about timing everything with your LH surge. That takes a lot of the worry out for me... if I have a stressful month (as infrequently happens to me) and surge 4 days late - no big deal.
Stage 4
Book appointment with social worker (free!) to make sure that you're a good parent candidate or something. (Don't you think everyone should have to do this before having children?) This proved to be very informative... what a lovely lady. She had so much information on blogs, support groups and more importantly - sperm banks. She also told me I should consider my 'friend with benefits' as an option too. I disregarded that... he knows what I'm doing and has no desire to be a parent.
Once you've done all this you're ready to choose a donor! It is actually not as overwhelming as I thought it would be... I have just taken a LONG time to get here because for whatever reason I wanted to exhaust every opportunity to do this the conventional way and to put my own mind at ease with my decision.
Did I tell you I don't have health insurance??? It turns out that at this stage in the game I wouldn't really benefit from it too much anyways... health insurance companies don't have much empathy for women until they've been trying for 6 months (and are in a relationship/marriage.) I've done everything so far out of pocket so I'll tell you costs in case you're interested... skim read if you're not. I'm also putting things in the order that it's easiest to do this without using health insurance.
Stage 1
Get to know your cycle. Buy fertility kits. I use the clear blue ones, they're expensive but accurate. Even though I thought I knew my cycle I was surprised that I was a day or two off on what I assumed were my fertile days. Monitor your LH surge for at least a couple of months. I have heard of people examining their cervix and taking their temperatures but I haven't done this either. Don't forget to keep a record of your cycle. I use an app - iperiod.
Stage 2
Book an appointment with your doctor and get tested for EVERYTHING... HIV, Chlamydia and basically every sexually transmitted disease you can think of. Also ask them to check your thyroid and your CMV status (Important when choosing donor - but only if you're negative... 85% of people are positive so don't worry if you are!) Finally if you don't know your blood group type then ask that too... I went to a means tested clinic and the visit cost me $40. The lab charged me $300 for all the tests but I'm paying it off monthly so not a big deal. Make sure that they mail you a hard copy of your results so that you can take it to the midwife/clinic where the insemination will be done.
Stage 3
Research and find a place that will do the insemination for you and book an appointment. Midwife offices are helpful but I went to a center for Infertility. Initially the Doctor wanted to put me on fertility drugs, give me a thorough internal exploratory examination, ultra sounds etc... until I explained my lack of health insurance and my unwillingness to put unnecessary drugs into my body. I want to give myself the opportunity to do this without fertility drugs for the first couple of attempts... then we can talk! Luckily she was very sympathetic and kept testing to a minimum... cost of visit $300. The center has storage onsite which means that you can have the sperm sent to the clinic in advance without having to worry about timing everything with your LH surge. That takes a lot of the worry out for me... if I have a stressful month (as infrequently happens to me) and surge 4 days late - no big deal.
Stage 4
Book appointment with social worker (free!) to make sure that you're a good parent candidate or something. (Don't you think everyone should have to do this before having children?) This proved to be very informative... what a lovely lady. She had so much information on blogs, support groups and more importantly - sperm banks. She also told me I should consider my 'friend with benefits' as an option too. I disregarded that... he knows what I'm doing and has no desire to be a parent.
Once you've done all this you're ready to choose a donor! It is actually not as overwhelming as I thought it would be... I have just taken a LONG time to get here because for whatever reason I wanted to exhaust every opportunity to do this the conventional way and to put my own mind at ease with my decision.
Friday, January 24, 2014
One who went before me...
About a year ago, when my mind was going wild with making a choice I was put in touch with a lovely lady who was about to give birth to a baby boy via donor.
'Janet' told me her story of how she had chosen the donor route. Like me, she was involved with men casually but none of them were long term material and she wasn't interested in being tied to them for the rest of her life!
This meeting was the best thing that I could have done to give me the strength to choose the donor path. Here was a beautiful, 'normal' woman who had chosen to use a strangers sperm to get pregnant. She wasn't judged by her friends/family or colleagues... had huge emotional support for the most part and didn't feel like a failure for not having met the right man.
When Janet told some of her friends her plans, they merely warned her about the workload of having a child on her own. They had told her the same thing when she bought a house on her own. Like me she's a fiercely independent woman who isn't afraid of challenges.
When I met Janet she was 9 months pregnant. A week later I went to visit her and her perfect newborn son in hospital. She was beyond happy and I finally thought "I really can do this!"
I have always been my hugest critic... for the most part I don't care what people think of me but I do care what people think of my future child. I am scared the child will be teased or feel inadequate for not having a present father. I don't know why this worries me so much as my own Father was hardly present and I know plenty of people who have made questionable second parent choices and they seem to be doing okay... however, I still worry.
I've never been religious but for some reason this concept has my mind whooshing around some big questions regarding messing with the order of nature - CRAZY!!! I've never been a church goer, a bible reader or an anti choicer and I am totally for stem cell research... I don't know why I'm up at night worrying about these things.
But do you know what's been the hardest thing for me? The thing that I've had the most time letting go of? It's a picture... a picture that I'll never have;
I wanted this picture! You've just given birth and the man that you love and adore and created this being with just loves you both more than words can say... but the picture says it for him... it looks so magical to me....
I know it's just a picture... that the truth that follows is a man often overwhelmed by his new responsibilities, or one who has trouble bonding with this lovely blob! Maybe it's a bad relationship or one about to break but in my fantastical mind, just for an instant it looks perfect.
I wanted perfect and maybe one day I'll find it but for now I'm going for a different kind of perfection.
'Janet' told me her story of how she had chosen the donor route. Like me, she was involved with men casually but none of them were long term material and she wasn't interested in being tied to them for the rest of her life!
This meeting was the best thing that I could have done to give me the strength to choose the donor path. Here was a beautiful, 'normal' woman who had chosen to use a strangers sperm to get pregnant. She wasn't judged by her friends/family or colleagues... had huge emotional support for the most part and didn't feel like a failure for not having met the right man.
When Janet told some of her friends her plans, they merely warned her about the workload of having a child on her own. They had told her the same thing when she bought a house on her own. Like me she's a fiercely independent woman who isn't afraid of challenges.
When I met Janet she was 9 months pregnant. A week later I went to visit her and her perfect newborn son in hospital. She was beyond happy and I finally thought "I really can do this!"
I have always been my hugest critic... for the most part I don't care what people think of me but I do care what people think of my future child. I am scared the child will be teased or feel inadequate for not having a present father. I don't know why this worries me so much as my own Father was hardly present and I know plenty of people who have made questionable second parent choices and they seem to be doing okay... however, I still worry.
I've never been religious but for some reason this concept has my mind whooshing around some big questions regarding messing with the order of nature - CRAZY!!! I've never been a church goer, a bible reader or an anti choicer and I am totally for stem cell research... I don't know why I'm up at night worrying about these things.
But do you know what's been the hardest thing for me? The thing that I've had the most time letting go of? It's a picture... a picture that I'll never have;
I know it's just a picture... that the truth that follows is a man often overwhelmed by his new responsibilities, or one who has trouble bonding with this lovely blob! Maybe it's a bad relationship or one about to break but in my fantastical mind, just for an instant it looks perfect.
I wanted perfect and maybe one day I'll find it but for now I'm going for a different kind of perfection.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Adoption
Adoption as a single female is achievable but you need a fair sum of money and an agency that doesn't mind the fact that you are single.
My initial thought was overseas adoption - based on that China documentary and growing up watching starving Ethiopians on the TV every night. As I looked around though I realized that there are children right here who need families too and I started to look into that... I found the costs more than I could stretch to at this stage and locally it's hard to find an agency who will help out singles. This led me to look into Foster care.
I discovered a wonderful agency and signed up with their program which included a home study and a 6 week preparation course. I can't speak highly enough of these people and their kindness and dedication. I was gripped by guest speakers stories of their fostering and adoption experiences.
As a single woman I would not qualify to adopt through their program. I was however, free to Foster with a view to adopt. This is a truly rewarding thing to do and for a while I really thought I might be able to handle the demands. Of course, in this program there is no guarantee and as I learned through blogs and guest speakers the journey does not always end happily. Children are taken and placed back in what may not be an ideal situation. Sometimes these children have been with their foster parents for over 2 years.
I slept on it and slept on it some more. I don't think my heart could take this. Loving a child completely... having it in your home from a week old and then being separated... I don't think I would ever recover. No amount of convincing myself that I had given that child the best start in life would ever compensate for not seeing them again.
I wish I were stronger and I have so much admiration and respect for those of you who are able to do this.
I have spoken to the agency since taking the 5th out of 6 classes a few times and they assure me that if their policy on adopting to single women changes they are going to let me know. As I write I know that there are changes happening but it's going to take some time still... I'm watching this space.
I've looked into other agencies and I still believe that adoption is something I'm going to do but after 2 and half years the ache inside me didn't go away. I had to face that what I wanted to do was to start a family of my own. On my own.
My initial thought was overseas adoption - based on that China documentary and growing up watching starving Ethiopians on the TV every night. As I looked around though I realized that there are children right here who need families too and I started to look into that... I found the costs more than I could stretch to at this stage and locally it's hard to find an agency who will help out singles. This led me to look into Foster care.
I discovered a wonderful agency and signed up with their program which included a home study and a 6 week preparation course. I can't speak highly enough of these people and their kindness and dedication. I was gripped by guest speakers stories of their fostering and adoption experiences.
As a single woman I would not qualify to adopt through their program. I was however, free to Foster with a view to adopt. This is a truly rewarding thing to do and for a while I really thought I might be able to handle the demands. Of course, in this program there is no guarantee and as I learned through blogs and guest speakers the journey does not always end happily. Children are taken and placed back in what may not be an ideal situation. Sometimes these children have been with their foster parents for over 2 years.
I slept on it and slept on it some more. I don't think my heart could take this. Loving a child completely... having it in your home from a week old and then being separated... I don't think I would ever recover. No amount of convincing myself that I had given that child the best start in life would ever compensate for not seeing them again.
I wish I were stronger and I have so much admiration and respect for those of you who are able to do this.
I have spoken to the agency since taking the 5th out of 6 classes a few times and they assure me that if their policy on adopting to single women changes they are going to let me know. As I write I know that there are changes happening but it's going to take some time still... I'm watching this space.
I've looked into other agencies and I still believe that adoption is something I'm going to do but after 2 and half years the ache inside me didn't go away. I had to face that what I wanted to do was to start a family of my own. On my own.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
The Options...
So obviously, finding myself unexpectedly single in my mid thirties is not where I had expected my life to take me... time for Plan C (I'll get to plan B in a moment - it failed). I immediately signed up with a sperm bank in California... that was easy... then I went to the Dr to get a full medical check... and then I hit the brakes... I wasn't ready for this yet... this was a knee jerk reaction... I needed time to get over my heartbreak and of course I needed to consider Plan B.
PLAN B
Find a Prince Charming. Or something... of course I hadn't given myself the option to meet someone else... perhaps they were right in front of me and I was surely not going to notice them if I threw myself headfirst into this donor sperm plan was I? So I gave myself a deadline and waited to be charmed.
Success! I mean, he had some issues but hey I was blinded by how opposite to the ex he was... amazing... calm, cool, emotional... and another 6 months passed... oh dear, I was wrong!
Dating is so fun that I threw myself into that too... okcupid, match, tinder... I've tried them all but that's fodder for another blog altogether... and at the end of it all I still haven't found a suitable partner... I have however, found a few good friends and that's a reward in itself.
So yes, plan B has failed me. It's time to hit plan C
Plan C options
PLAN B
Find a Prince Charming. Or something... of course I hadn't given myself the option to meet someone else... perhaps they were right in front of me and I was surely not going to notice them if I threw myself headfirst into this donor sperm plan was I? So I gave myself a deadline and waited to be charmed.
Success! I mean, he had some issues but hey I was blinded by how opposite to the ex he was... amazing... calm, cool, emotional... and another 6 months passed... oh dear, I was wrong!
Dating is so fun that I threw myself into that too... okcupid, match, tinder... I've tried them all but that's fodder for another blog altogether... and at the end of it all I still haven't found a suitable partner... I have however, found a few good friends and that's a reward in itself.
So yes, plan B has failed me. It's time to hit plan C
Plan C options
- Adoption
- Foster (with option to adopt)
- Steal baby from stranger (Just kidding)
- Use Donor Sperm
Monday, January 20, 2014
The Diving Board
I have been standing on this diving board for about 3 years now. It was never a question of if I will jump but more so of how & when I will do it. Only when I am on my diving board am I able to shut out the noise of others and truly hear my own voice. I know that when I jump the landing may not be perfect, or even as planned but I am sure that I will descend safely and that the fear will be outshone by the reward that awaits me down there.
I always knew I wanted to be a parent... as a teenager I watched a documentary on "The dying rooms of China" and from that day on would inform my Mother that I had plans to adopt a child and conceive a child the traditional way.
I was never the Queen of relationships, never one to settle... preferred the single life to the struggle I witnessed among my friends and their significant others... then finally I met the guy worth stopping for... I shared my parenting desires with him and he seemed to be on the same page... fast forward 4 years and I finally had to concede that his fear of life would never render him able to parent... so there I stood... closer to 40 than to 30 with a big decision on my mind....
"I'm going to do it on my own."
But how? And when? And is this weird?
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