Signs and sh*t

I am les than a week away from my FET - a PGD tested normal embryo with an over 50% chance of success. I guess I should be feeling excited, maybe confident but I just feel paralyzed by fear of failure. I know it's not healthy, that disappointment is my middle name and I should entirely be used to the process by now but I guess that I'm not. 

I have been in pain for the past few weeks. My stomach contracting in the area where my Uterus is and also Ive been plagued by the worse reflux I have ever experienced. I went to the Dr and the pills for GERD helped a little but not entirely.  I then went to my uterus massage lady who spent an hour on my abdomen. Turns out that my IBS (triggered by stress, break up and FET no doubt) had caused an inflammation in part of my colon and my uterus was stuck on it. By the end of the hour my pain had gone and 3 days later my reflux has almost vanished! My uterus no longer hurts and I can feel that everything is moving as it should. I'm so glad I found her and that I feel my body is at last ready to accept my little embryo. 

So anyways, I've been thinking about all the signs that have happened since my ttc journey began. My 3rd iui would have led to a baby born perfectly by the end of the year, it also occurred right as I watched my friend lose his fight to cancer. I felt sure that his loss entitled me to a child to fill the sad space he left in my life. I was ovulating from the correct side. 3 follicles. His name on billboards (a car dealership bears his name) visible from the hospital window as my iui took place. It didn't work. 

Transfers that would have led to good news on birthdays, Christmas and other holidays always failed. A song on the radio on my way back from a FET singing about babies and miracles would feel like a sign. License plates reading baby1!  And finally pregnant I went to see the heartbeat on the anniversary of my friends passing convinced that the universe couldn't deal me two blows on the same date. That this was finally a good sign. Alas. There was no heartbeat. Two lost heartbeats on the same day. How cruel fate is. 

And now. Another transfer... Want to know the signs? If I POAS on what would have been the due date of my miscarried child I will know whether I'm pregnant or not. And if it takes? My child will share its due date with my estranged sister. 

I know now that signs mean nothing at all and that my child will be mine when it's ready to get here. Signs don't mean shit and the world is a cruel place. All I can do is keep on wishing for my corner of happiness. 

Upcoming FET and a ghost story.

I have whiled away the past 3 months waiting for my body to recover from the ivf drugs and preparing myself for my FET. I don't know what that really means but the magical 3 periods have passed and I'm back on the estrogen by mouth and by patch.

Pretty stressful few months all in all. I've been living with friends and family while I wait for my house to be renovated. It's going to be so beautiful but it's been tough to be in other people's space - since May! Will be so happy when it's done.

I also got broken up with -via text 3 weeks ago. Then he ghosted me. It's really thrown me as we really did get along and I'd spent so much time around his kids and in his home. We certainly had problems but conversation would have been great. I know I'm better off out of it but I considered him a good friend and am now left with a slew of unanswered questions and new insecurities to process. Can I just say "asshole?"

I did read this article and it made me feel better and not so stupid.

http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/advice/and-then-i-never-heard-from-him-again-the-awful-rise-of-ghosting/

Of course on the day he sort of dumped me via text I also lost a woman who had been very dear to me in my childhood. Double whammy. It never rains.

So in order to end on a positive note I have a wonderful home that will be ready by the time I get the results of the FET. I no longer have to worry about what role, if any a man would play in my life because the man is out of it. My intention was to do it on my own and I was not comfortable having someone there from the start that I wasn't committed to. I've got an amazing adventure planned for the new year in the event that my FET fails. I'm thinking of starting my own little business. Pondering foster to adopt again and doing everything I can to chase happiness no matter what.

The Results are in....

So my most recent round of ivf is now behind me... 9 eggs, 5 embryos and 4 that went off for PGD testing which included the one embryo I had from the previous round... It was a long three week wait where I braced for bad news... But it wasn't all bad.  I have one normal embryo in there...  Good one that's ready to hatch!! It also came from the most recent round of ivf which is nice to know. At least that wasn't all for nothing.

So now I plan on taking a nice break to get the ivf yuck out of my body and have the optimum chance of success.  Have decided to let AF Visit 3 times and then go ahead with a FET.
Hopefully it will stick and then at the time I would have been giving birth to the child I miscarried I will fingers crossed be finding out that I have a new, healthier little bun growing in my oven.  After all this time I guess hope can still spring eternal.

In other parts of life the man continues to be in my world.  I know he had a hard time with me doing another round of ivf.  I won't talk about his future role because that means I have to acknowledge that it might work which just feels like bad luck to me at this point...plus he has his stuff. We have a long way to go but I hold out hope that things will be clearer for us all at the end of the year.

Back on the IVF train

Here we go again! Injections started today. Doing PGS this time so if there's nothing viable I don't have to put myself through multiple FETs or another miscarriage. This time it really is my last attempt. I needed 3 tries with ivf to give myself peace in knowing I tried my best but honestly these meds are scary. I don't even eat ketchup that's not organic so injecting myself with copious volumes of  hormones is insane to me. Of course if I get a good end result it will all be worth it. 

Of course my preferred donor had sold out. I'd saved favorites and they'd almost all sold out this past year too. I amazed myself by how little time I took to choose a new one. I actually did it during the phone call to the cryobank. To think what a process it was the first time around and now I'm just so 'whatever' about it. 

Please wish me luck. I feel I need more online support this time around as I'm really not telling anyone on the outside. This journey has taken to long, cost too much but I'm will be worth it in the end right? Right.  

Summer update.

It has once again been too long but I think I just needed a break from thinking about and reliving the miscarriage. I'm sure you all guessed that is what had happened anyway. I went back for a scan and sure enough there had been no progress.  I went for my DNC a couple of days later. I had the sample sent off for analysis and it was discovered that it had two trisomy abnormalities. The most common ones. The ones that have nothing to do with age. I think that's good news.

I have only one embryo left and I don't want to do a Fet with just that so I've been taking time off. I've only had one period since the miscarriage and I'd like to have two before I think about another round of ivf. I change my mind on a daily basis as to whether or not I want to do another round of IVF.

Im also in the midst of selling and buying a house which is like a part time job itself. As a result of selling my house I have to pay off my last fertility loan in order to qualify for a new mortgage.   This means I could very easily qualify for another fertility loan.  I think we all know how this story is going to end. For now though I'm plodding along and trying to enjoy the summer that never really feels like it's going to start. Not the usual balmy nights I've become used to.

I'm still dating the Tinder man. We still take it easy but it suits us both. The drama in his life is lessening somewhat but he remains very busy. Even though I sometimes think I need a little more I think in reality he's just what I need. If I do another round of ivf it'll be consuming and the ability to step back for a week or two if I need space will be good. I'm winning with the balancing act so far.

I've also pretty much decided to do a home study and get the adoption ball rolling. I am going to start a gofundme. Have any of you ever done this? I've spent all my money on fertility treatments so I thought asking for some help wouldn't be too cheeky? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Hope all a well out there in SMC land. I'll try to check in again soon.

Too good to be true.

*Warning, possible miscarriage mentioned*

So folks, it doesn't look like this story has a happy ending.  Yesterday at 7 weeks and 1 day I went for my first ultrasound.  I knew that something wasn't right as the technician wasn't excitedly turning the screen around to show me the heartbeat.  She asked me how far along I thought I was and then told me that what she saw was perfect for 5 weeks and 6 days.  8 days behind where I actually am.

I knew where this was going.  Gestational sac and yolk sac but no fetal pole.  No heartbeat. I've seen this happen to too many women to hold hope out for a good prognosis.

My RE says that we will give it another week.  That sometimes crazy things can happen with FET's but that it's not good.  He says to be pessimistically optimistic.  The executioners ultra-sound is on Wednesday.  I've already opted for a D & C.  I don't want to suffer through weeks of bleeding and uncertainty.

I'm naturally devastated.  I'll never have a BFP again, it'll always be a BF Maybe.  I can't even afford to do this anymore so this was more than likely it... my final shot.  Unless some miracle study appears that enables me ride this roller coaster again for free.  

As expected the new guy is being a sweetheart.  He holds out the hope that I can't.  He's just as disappointed as I am.  For now I'm hibernating and waiting out the next few days and trying to ignore the cramps that are already starting to change in their nature.      

2nd beta

Just a quick update... my second beta came back at a strong 684 which I am very happy with.  My RE said he would have been happy with anything in the 300-400 range but I think he was just being nice! 

Still pretty symptom free.  Don't love food as much as normal but don't feel sick at all yet.  My boobs hurt a couple days ago but now they don't... just a little sore but nothing I wouldn't feel during my period.  Mild stomach cramps.  

I'm hoping that it continues to be this easy although it's a little harrowing to feel nothing in particular.  My mind goes to town thinking that it's not sticking.  I have a 2 wk and 2 day wait now til my first ultrasound to determine due date and heart beat.  The waiting never stops... ah well.

I told the guy I'm dating that I'm pregnant. (And that it's not his!)  Even though he was aware of my journey I hadn't told him that I'd had the transfer... I was waiting for the result.  I was so nervous but I found a very opportune way of telling him before things got physical.  It was kind of dark in the room and all I could see was his giant smile!  He was very happy for me... said that he thinks he is going to be just fine with it all.  I assured him that when it's time to announce it that I'll make sure he doesn't get the blame!  We laughed that it's the fastest anyone he's dated has ever gotten pregnant... Things are good.  

So weird... I thought that doing this on my own would mean that I would forgo sharing news of my pregnancy with a partner and celebrating together. However,  I got the moment, albeit it was a little skewed.  Most importantly his reaction is a bonus.  I was *and still am* prepared for him to flee.  Nothing can shake the extreme happiness I feel now that I finally have a little being growing it's way into my life.    

I"M PREGNANT!!!!!

True story.

I underwent my final FET on 30th March.  I persuaded my RE to put 3 of those pesky blasts inside me and I named them Hewie Dewie and Louis.  (even though I've always assumed I'd have a girl.)  Louis(e) looked fit to explode... was hatching as s/he went in.  

I was sick at the time of transfer but no fever... spent 11 days coughing my guts up but instead of visualizing the embryo's being forced out I visualized at least one of them being hugged in tighter by my body's violent convulsions.  

I spent the first 8 of my 10 day wait trying to get better and not thinking about my presumed NTT.  In fact I'd been planning my next vacation and a change of lifestyle for when this failed again.  I'd loaded flight apps onto my phone, asked friends to join me on vacation and was B planning my heart out. 

On day 8 I figured it was time to go to the Dr as I was afraid that I had a chest infection.  I figured I'd might as well test to get my disappointment over with.  I sat on the toilet intermittently checking the FRER doing nothing.  3 mins later I'd decided to give up and throw it away but when I took it into the bright kitchen I saw a faint line!!!!  It got a little darker and I called my SMC friend to ask her if I was going crazy and took a pic of it for her.  Suffice to say she confirmed my diagnosis of 'pregnant!'  

I tested 2 more times over the next 24 hours and by the 3rd time the line was showing instantly.  Def pregnant.

Beta today came back at 142!  Next Beta is on Monday.  

I can't believe this is happening.  I'm so happy.  I know there's a lot of milestones to overcome and that my unicorn uterus is just one of them.  For now though I'm wallowing in my first ever BFP!

And no, I haven't told the new guy yet.  I will tell him after my 2nd beta.  If he's going to run, I'd prefer he does it now.  

And the one thing I did differently that I actually felt made a difference is I went to a PT who specializes in Uterus anomalies and had a Uterus massage.  She gave me exercises to do before my transfer.  It was very strange but it made my uterus feel charged and present.  I'm going to continue to go to her as it's good in encouraging your uterus to stretch for the growing life inside.

Will update with my next beta... thanks for staying tuned.  

Silence Broken

I'm back!  Ish.  I guess I just needed a sanity break... my bank accounts were empty (still are!)... my body felt like it belonged to someone else and my brain just didn't want to focus on my lack of fertility for a while.  

The last round of IVF took me for a ride physically.  I was in pain for 5 weeks... pain that I could live with but pain that made a BFN the harder to bear.  I still have 4 embryo's in the freezer so there's that.

As far as the TTC journey goes - I had a biopsy of my Uterus taken and sent to some clinic in Spain where it was analyzed.  It came back as receptive.  I'm told that this is good news and that it just means that it's only a matter of time before I get a positive result.

I also turned 40 and on my birthday got a call from my RE to tell me that he thinks I qualify for the Afolia study.  This means that a round of IVF will cost as much as a FET would usually cost.  Even though I said "NEVER AGAIN!" this may be too hard an offer to pass up.  

New Dilemma:  I may have to use a different donor as it says on the website that the current one (with whom I still have 4 embryo's) is out of stock.  I've yet to call but the notion that I may end up with embryo's from different donors is sitting uncomfortably in my mind.  I will look into this further when my eligibility for the trial is confirmed later this week.

In other, other news I seem to have met someone awesome.  Totally out of the blue and unexpectedly... it's super early and he could still freak out as he's got some big drama's going on in his world (custody battles etc.)  Has so much potential though.  It's the first time I've been with someone in years and thought seriously that it could go somewhere.  I'm still protecting my heart, taking it sloooooooooooooooooow and being as honest and real as I can with him.  Too old for messing about.  He also knows that I'm forging ahead on this TTC path and he's so far so cool with it.  I figure he's got young children so what difference to throw one more into the mix?  Right?  Exactly.