Final post

All things come to an end so this will be my last post on this blog.

When I was trying to conceive I gorged myself on single mum by choice blogs.  I read their TTC journeys and gleaned all the information that I could. I think in some small way they would prepare me for the struggle ahead.  I would always stop reading once the child arrived. Never once did I read past the birth story.

So, once my child was born I guess I didn't really feel the urge to post. Plus seeing this blog just brings up all the emotions that I went through back then. I realize how depressed I was. It's hard to be reminded of my old, sad self.

I still follow others blogs using this page. These days I read the posts about the babies and the kids. These days I am no longer depressed (I am happy to say!)

And I have a new blog. One where I can speak of the past with the confidence of the present. I will blog about my amazing kid and the hilarity of parenting. I'd be happy to have you join me. Feel free to message me for the link. I just don't want the new blog to come up in this old blog in any search engines so in not posting it here to try to keep them separate and this one anonymous.

I'm leaving this up in the hope it maybe gives someone else going through the hell of infertility a little comfort.

Thanks for reading.

8.5 months little man.

And here we are with 8.5 months of life and love under our belts.  Its hard to imagine that there was a life without this little chap... I was trying to get a post up during National Infertility Awareness Week but just couldn't make it happen.  I did instead reflect a lot upon what it is to parent after being pretty certain that I was never going to have a chance to experience it. 

I gaze upon my sweet boy and sometimes my blood runs cold when I think how he could so easily not exist... how many millions of things had to go right for me to get this baby!  I even have nightmares of the freezer he was kept in for 3 months going wrong and losing him.  It's these post visions of the loss of the child I know and adore that I feel are the PTSD of infertility.  It's getting better for sure but it's still there.  And there is not a waking hour of any day that I do not fail to count my blessings and my good fortune that I'm a Mother... finally!

My child has blended seamlessly into my existence.  He's a very easy child with few demands (other than to be fed and entertained sometimes.)  He just had chicken pox, cut teeth and was in the middle of a big developmental leap... and during this spell he realized that he could make a very grumpy, pathetic noise and he has been making it often!!  It's a whine, a complain, a cry and a grunty sob all in one.  Its almost amusing to me as up until now I've had a baby that never complained.  Now that he is at least he's giving it his best shot!!

I am in awe of his achievements.  He just started pointing at things upon request "where's the dog/fan/light/bear" etc and has close to 20 signs in his repertoire.  I've been doing very light version of Elimination Communication with him and that's resulted in him pooping/peeing in the potty every morning and most evenings.  (we're only trying twice a day so far).  He loves his family and squeals with delight every time one of them enters his line of vision.  He laughs easily and often and he is such a snuggler.  If I had ever dared to imagine how my child would be, I would never have dreamed up one as perfect as he is.  My chilled out little surfer baby... haha.  I do often state that I'm taking every moment of this stage as I've no doubt he will give me a run for his money when he hits the 2s and 3s. 

I am so glad those horrible years of TTC are behind me but I will never forget them and never fail to be there for others who are still in the trenches of it.  I am trying to work out a way to help others going through it without having to go back to school for years to do so.  If you have any ideas throw them my way. 

The child stirs... he rubs his eyes and laughs at his hands then makes that new noise he's so fond of followed by mamamamum... it's time to go 

4 months old, first Christmas

It's been a while, lack of computer still keeping me off of blogging. iPad makes it so sluggish and  for some reason  I have never fully grasped how to use speech to text.

my little one is now 4 months old and the light of my life. He has been such an easy baby. Except for when he was born I didn't hear him cry until he was about 5 weeks old (because he was hungry in his car seat. Easy fix.) He has been a good sleeper from the get go. I have never been sleep deprived. I had terrible insomnia during the TTC process and whilst pregnant. The second X was born I felt a weight lift off of me. The stress dissolved and I could finally relax as it was all over. Maybe he picked up on this because he is a chilled out little guy.

I had no idea that infants have a personality. I had always said that I'd be happy to be handed a six month old and go from there... How wrong I was! This kid is full of character. He smiles easily, he coos and chats up a storm. He's patient when you change his clothes and his diaper. He's snugly and gentle. He's also huge! We are already in 12 month pjs. He's so long. Thighs for days and cheeks for weeks. A proper little Buddha! 88th percentile for weight and 94th for height. I don't think we will be in the bucket seat for too long. It already seems pretty snug!

I took him across the country when he was 5 weeks old to meet his cousins and aunties. Flying was a breeze as he was so small he just slept. I just love having a little travel companion.  We plan on going to meet a lot of his diblings in May which I'm looking forward to. I think they're such a valuable resource for him and hope that he will be close to at least a couple of them as he gets older. The likelihood of me having another is slim. It took me so much to get him here. I wish I could do it as I want him to have someone to share childhood memories with and to be here for him when I am not but I really don't think that it is to be. Finances and fertility are not on my side! Not that I am sad. I'm beyond happy that I have my son. I love waking up to his face in the morning and look forward to the adventures we will have.

It's mind boggling to go back a year. I was barely pregnant and equal parts excited and fearful. I felt like my body was wrapped in a fragile bubble and I was so careful with it. I hadn't even had my first ultrasound. I tried to imagine what the next Christmas would be like but could only talk in maybes and what ifs. I pretty much spent the first half of my pregnancy that way. And now he lies under his activity mat playing contentedly. He squeals intermittently and tries to breastfeed off of the hanging mirror.

What a difference a year makes.

BEST.GIFT.EVER

Happy holidays to you all. May your baby dreams come true.

Pics of my little miracle...

I had wanted to share these with you last time but I wasn't able to upload to blogger from ipad... but here he is.  My perfect little human being on the day he came out!

Would you look at those hands?!  He was like a puppy with over sized paws - I'm sure he'll grow into them!

I'm finally a Mummy!

Tomorrow my beautiful little boy will be a month old. It's safe to say that I did it! I am still pinching myself and awakening with a smile on my face when I see my perfect little son safely sleeping at my side. There's no words to describe the happiness and the peace I feel in my core since his arrival.

So his birth story must be told!

I went in for my scheduled c section having spent a sleepless night watching my belly roll and my pelvis take its final kicks... All the while hoping he had flipped which of course he didn't. I was at the hospital at 5.30 am and on the 3rd attempt they got the IV in. (I still have a bruise from one of the tries!) I had my final ultrasound. Butt down confirmed. Off I went to the OR for my spinal. To say I was petrified was an understatement. My surgeries consist of egg retrievals, a D&C and a small breast lump removal as a teen. The thought of having my abdomen cut open terrified me even though I knew the reward was worth it!

I had a wonderful anaesthesiologist who talked me through everything. The spinal was uncomfortable, painful even but not for long. The feeling of your legs going numb is horrible, like your body is dying and there's nothing you can do. People around you moving you, inserting catheter, putting those sticky monitor pads on you and painting you orange! Then they brought my mother in and the tugging, pushing and pulling began. My Mum was great at distracting me but I am not gonna pretend that I was fearless! Finally my anaesthesiologist told me he could see the babies bottom emerging so it wouldn't be long. A few minutes later he emerged and I saw his legs as they whizzed him across the room to make sure he was ok. I had very distinct wishes for skin to skin right after but it turns out that both of our temps had dropped during the birth and he needed to be under a heat lamp while they tried to get my temp up too. They had him propped up under the lamp for a moment so I could see him but it was quick and I had no idea what was happening. I sent my mum to go and look at him to check he was ok. She had said she wanted me to see him first which was so sweet but it was more important right then that I knew he was fine! So she was with him while I went through the shakes (didn't last long at all) and craned my neck to get glimpses of my son as they tugged and pulled at my insides some more!

Finally he was brought to me and placed on my chest. This stranger who I already loved so much and who's face I hadn't yet seen. I wasn't allowed to look at him because they had us covered in blankets so I could just see the top of his head and his nose. I was finally distracted from my abdomen and was wheeled into the recovery room where an hour and five minutes after his birth my baby breast fed. Like a champion!

The day passed in a happy haze. Our temperatures stabilized after a few hours. I sent out just a couple of he's arrived type texts to family and a couple Single Mom friends. I just wanted the day to ourselves to gaze in wonder at my son.

I was lucky. My little took to the breast and the hospital had lactation consultants on hand whom I called in every time I fed for the first 24 hours. I was determined to master it and by day 3 we had it down! My night nurse let me co sleep with him from the 2nd night so I had 7 hours sleep that night and 8 on the 3rd night! I was having to set an alarm to wake him to feed! I feel so fortunate that they let us sleep this way as we continued it when I got home. Skin to skin for the first 3.5 weeks. I just put him in pjs a couple nights ago as it got cold. He's never been swaddled... He's taking Up as much space in the world as he can already!  He's remained a good sleeper albeit I'm up twice every night for feeds but it's less than the pregnancy insomnia I suffered before. He also doesn't cry. He lets out a squeak if he is hungry, dirty or wants to be burped. He will turn this into a cry if he's in the car seat and can't be catered to but his crying is short and easily sourced and fixed.

So all in all a dream baby, but let's face it, I was going to think anything was a dream baby.  I just think that I relaxed so much as soon as he was on my chest that he sensed it and responded in kind. My struggles are over and I got my dream. He can scream, cry, poop, tantrum all he likes and I'll still have hearts in my eyeballs and think he's cute. I'll revisit this post in a couple years but for now here he is... My lovely gremlin.

Last day of being pregnant!

Can you believe that it's here?!  My final day of being pregnant has arrived....

What a ride it has been... my little flipper was breach the entire pregnancy until I hit 32 weeks when he miraculously flipped to put himself in the perfect position for a vaginal birth.  I was so happy and immediately changed hospitals to one with a great reputation for low intervention natural birth (not to mention it was closer to my home also!)  I fell in love with the midwives and started studying hypnobirthing.

Then, at 36 weeks he flipped back to breach! 

I've tried acupuncture, Mayan abdominal massage, crawling around my house on all fours, off the couch inversions, icing my belly to encourage him to move his head away from the cold...  nothing has worked... so I'm now scheduled to have a C section at the new hospital (tomorrow morning.)  The warmth of the staff there radiates reassurance and my fears are a lot less than they were a couple of months ago.

So I am bidding farewell to this pregnancy which has been the most amazing experience.  As I've mentioned before I've had it easy.  My main gripes were food aversions and rib pain... then towards the end painful feet that led me to have to stop work at 36 weeks.  No longer was being on my feet without a break for 8 hours working out for me.  The scorching humidity has been tough but everyone around me is suffering... its' nothing that a day at the beach couldn't take care of (although I wasn't able to do this as much as I liked.)  The friendly movement inside my belly has now become a little tortuous albeit still reassuring.

I have learned that the reason it's hard for pregnant women to move, no matter the size of their bellies is because they have a human splint down their torso that makes it impossible to bend down, lean forward (or breakdance if they were so inclined.)  I have gained a little under 30lbs and can say it's mostly belly, butt and boobs.... but still, carrying extra weight is no joke!!  Particularly in 100 degree weather. 

I will miss my bump, the smiles and the kind words from strangers that I receive every time I leave the house.  I will miss the wonderment of watching my stomach contort into an ocean of movement... of feeling like my chair is being  hit from beneath when it's me who is being kicked from within.  I will miss the daydreams, of being able to take my little everywhere with me. 

I will not forget the enormous gratitude I have to the universe for finally making my dream of pregnancy come true... for ending the way I would feel after countless failures and trying to resign myself to giving up on being a Mother.  Of laying in my bed at night and wondering what it would feel like to build a life inside of me... I will not forget my years spent believing I was infertile.  I hope that my struggles help someone else reading this one distant day to keep on going... to choose being broke and happy over money in the bank, fun vacations but an empty feeling in your heart. 

I know that having children is not for everyone and I've spent long weeks envying my friends for whom the idea having a child is akin to their worst nightmare... I wished that my life felt as complete as theirs so clearly is without this weight upon them.  I still have so much respect for those people..as I do for anyone who knows what they want and lives it.

So tomorrow I will hold my little boy in my arms and the future will open up to us in brand new ways... my belly will deflate as my heart inflates... my story is over but it has also just begun.

36+4 weeks

3 more days until little makes it to full term! Cannot believe I'm here!

I gave up work just over a week ago, spending 8-11 hours solidly on my feeling was taking my feet into areas of pain I didn't think possible. Simply not enjoyable. Plus I'm limited on the time I can take off after the due date so I figured may as well enjoy some time getting things done before. It's nice not to hear the constant "it goes so fast/do you have a name / haven't you had that baby yet?" Comments too!

Am I ready? Yes, totally.  Bag is packed and little has multiple places to sleep. He will start off in a co sleeper and we will go from there. I've been loaned and gifted all he might need and then some. So glad that a lot of it can go back to the people who loaned it to me so my house escapes accumulation of at least some of the clutter.

It has been adventures in flipping for this kid. He spent the entire pregnancy breach until 32 weeks when he got head down and ready! Was so excited, changed hospitals and moved to a midwife/Dr hospital closer to my home. 35 weeks, perfect position again and then 35.3 days he flipped to breach again! I've been doing all manner of things to get him to move back... Spinning babies poses, Accupuncture, diet, sleeping on my right side, elevating my pelvis. I can't have a version due to my uterus shape but if anyone has any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them.

Had a weird ultrasound where the nurse asked if I had a name for my boy and I said "not yet" and she told me I need to hurry up as he's nearly here.... I told her his name was staying in my head until he is born and she actually got sh*tty with me, she told me that She has a thing with names, that i am never going to see her again so she doesn't see why I wouldn't tell her. Bear in mind I also had a family member there that doesn't know my name choices.  I just told her that I want my son to be the one to know his name first. Well, the ultrasound was awkward. She didn't show us baby's face or even try to, didn't get any pictures and was curt with me until the very end. I had to ask her about his size and fluid etc. let me tell you it made me so glad that I've changed hospitals. Nobody needs that attitude. I had a mind to complain but I don't have the energy.

So now I wait and keep fingers crossed he flips one last time, that my time spent doing hypnobabies is not in vain and that in a little under 4 weeks I get to meet my longed and fought for little man.