I finally got to see my RE about the Unicorn within me. This appointment occurred 1 hour after the family blow up described in my last post. Needless to say I was a little out of sorts.
I find my RE to be a little blase and casual about my fertility... though she is informative... did explain very well what I have and how it happened... still though... she didn't really make it out like it was a bit deal at all to have been born with just half a uterus.
Maybe it isn't a big deal however, it certainly does increase my chance of first trimester miscarriage, ectopics and pre-term labor, (by 10-15% more or less.) Carrying multiples would be dangerous/impossible also... so this is why she recommended I try Clomid for a couple of cycles in order to attempt to make the left ovary produce some follicles. Injectibles up your chances of multiples by 25% so that's a very last resort... I can't imagine coming all this way only to have to selectively destroy something I want so much to nurture... doesn't bear thinking about.
The Good news:
My unicorn uterus doesn't make pregnancy that much harder to achieve necessarily. It seems that IF I were to get pregnant and IF I were to make it past the first trimester I would be able to start to relax a little more until into the 3rd trimester when I would be closely monitored in case I went into labor early.
Just another thing to worry about. Just another hurdle to jump.
But I'm glad to be closing in on my 3rd attempt... don't let me down no 3, you've been my lucky charm for so long and now's the time to show me what you're made of!
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Blood Moon. A vent that has nothing to do with TTC.
There comes a point when a person can reach their breaking point. For me it took my whole lifetime but yesterday I finally said 'enough is enough' and flipped a switch on my sister and her under the thumb husband.
The history does not belong here but people who know me know how I've put up with snide comments and bad treatment for years. When she was pregnant it was commonly predicted that my nephew would be the ultimate trump card and mechanism of control over my Mother and I. We were not wrong. (She didn't speak to me for the first 6 months of her pregnancy, said she would never let me see her child and then got sick and had to be looked after by us as her husband was away and she doesn't have many friends.)
No matter how much time we give, it's never enough. It started when nephew was 3 weeks of age when said that she felt that one or the other of us should be relieving her for 3 hours each day to get a break from her infant. I feel that it's her child and he was a difficult, unhappy baby... 3 hours a day is way too much to expect to be away from your newborn! We were frequently there for company FYI. She was far from being on her own.
As he got older things changed however. Let me be clear... this child spends 2/3 days in child care and then historically spends a day each with my mother and I. That's 4-5 days a week since roughly a year old that he's been away from his mother. Add to this my desire to see him at weekends and she gets her break at the weekend too. The next complaint - not enough sleepovers.
Whenever she gets mad she stops us seeing him. She kept him from me for 3 months at the end of last year for reasons way too ridiculous to go into here... it's another blog in itself. She's mad at my Mother now and is so disgusting to her that she won't even look at her. She says snide, hurtful things to us constantly and yesterday, after she said that she wouldn't see us for Easter due to my having a friend in tow I finally snapped.
My timing was terrible.... inappropriate even. My emotions were not. I apologized to her husband for yet another holiday ruined by her. He stuck up for her behavior. I condemned their ungratefulness and yelled (ugh, I yelled!) that I was sick of them both and that she was an asshole. (She was screaming her vile words at me at the time.)
It was a scene out of a movie involving very unsavory characters but it was my life. I've bitten my tongue for so long that it hurts. She's incapable of empathy or forgiveness and yet she has committed the worst crimes of all. She lies and manipulates and deprives me of my lovely nephew at the drop of a hat. I am so done with it.
Of course I don't know where to go from here. I find it ironic that it all happened on a blood moon. Finally the full moon brought out my rage. Sadly, life would be easier without her in it. My friends don't know how I went this long without snapping. I can't apologize... I'm not sorry. I wish I'd been able to say more but my nephew walked into the situation so I drove away leaving much unsaid. Probably for the best as I'm pretty sure her husband was close to hitting me.
Why can't you choose your family?
The history does not belong here but people who know me know how I've put up with snide comments and bad treatment for years. When she was pregnant it was commonly predicted that my nephew would be the ultimate trump card and mechanism of control over my Mother and I. We were not wrong. (She didn't speak to me for the first 6 months of her pregnancy, said she would never let me see her child and then got sick and had to be looked after by us as her husband was away and she doesn't have many friends.)
No matter how much time we give, it's never enough. It started when nephew was 3 weeks of age when said that she felt that one or the other of us should be relieving her for 3 hours each day to get a break from her infant. I feel that it's her child and he was a difficult, unhappy baby... 3 hours a day is way too much to expect to be away from your newborn! We were frequently there for company FYI. She was far from being on her own.
As he got older things changed however. Let me be clear... this child spends 2/3 days in child care and then historically spends a day each with my mother and I. That's 4-5 days a week since roughly a year old that he's been away from his mother. Add to this my desire to see him at weekends and she gets her break at the weekend too. The next complaint - not enough sleepovers.
Whenever she gets mad she stops us seeing him. She kept him from me for 3 months at the end of last year for reasons way too ridiculous to go into here... it's another blog in itself. She's mad at my Mother now and is so disgusting to her that she won't even look at her. She says snide, hurtful things to us constantly and yesterday, after she said that she wouldn't see us for Easter due to my having a friend in tow I finally snapped.
My timing was terrible.... inappropriate even. My emotions were not. I apologized to her husband for yet another holiday ruined by her. He stuck up for her behavior. I condemned their ungratefulness and yelled (ugh, I yelled!) that I was sick of them both and that she was an asshole. (She was screaming her vile words at me at the time.)
It was a scene out of a movie involving very unsavory characters but it was my life. I've bitten my tongue for so long that it hurts. She's incapable of empathy or forgiveness and yet she has committed the worst crimes of all. She lies and manipulates and deprives me of my lovely nephew at the drop of a hat. I am so done with it.
Of course I don't know where to go from here. I find it ironic that it all happened on a blood moon. Finally the full moon brought out my rage. Sadly, life would be easier without her in it. My friends don't know how I went this long without snapping. I can't apologize... I'm not sorry. I wish I'd been able to say more but my nephew walked into the situation so I drove away leaving much unsaid. Probably for the best as I'm pretty sure her husband was close to hitting me.
Why can't you choose your family?
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Unicorns in my Uterus. *WARNING - GRAPHIC*
Part of the human condition is to take things for granted. I am of course guilty of this although I am often thankful that my heart keeps beating, my knees are holding out and that life is generally good.
I took it for granted that the things I can't see in my body were as they should be and this is how I went into my HSG this week.
On a side note I've never had a male OBGYN, not even for a pap or anything. I was a little disconcerted by the 65 year old man that greeted me by holding my hand and explaining that he was going to be doing the procedure. Bit creepy but oh well. I'm good at relaxing through procedures so I still wasn't too worried.
None of the instruments he used were warmed so the speculum went in almost icy and instantly tensed me up... each time I'd relaxed through it the next one would come in and be freezing. When the catheter was inserted and 'clamped' in place the pain was insane and made all the worse by the fact that you can't move whilst you're cramping. I could feel my body using every ounce of its strength to get the catheter out of me!! I guess it took longer than usual as they were rolling me around for a while and then finally it was over and everything was yanked out of me.
I was told that he suspected I had a unicornuate uterus but not to worry as this doesn't mean that I can't conceive... just that I have a high chance of miscarriage and pre term labor - that's all. Then he said I was going to have a sono hystogram instantly so that they could have a closer look... that many women who have this condition also have just the one kidney.
Super... so I'm walked across the hall to the next room with a towel between my legs and given a vaginal ultrasound followed by a sono where the catheter is reinserted (further insane cramping but not for as long but made me cry - more out of fear than anything!) and then the news that I do have two kidneys and two ovaries but only the left is attached to the half a uterus... I think he said that the half was of a good size but not 100%. I think that what I have is either picture A1b or A2 in case you need a visual (which I did but wasn't given.)
The experience was awful... I was treated as if I were unconscious and they were speaking about me whilst I was there (saying she/her instead of my name). I guess it's kind of rare and they were very excited so there were 4 of them in the room reading the monitor. I even told them that they needed to calm down, that they were overly excited about me perhaps having only one kidney but they ignored me. My questions weren't really answered... everything was vague and I felt pretty violated. I even had to ask them to explain the sono procedure as everyone was just ignoring me at that point.
I was told I could go ahead and do an IUI this month if I wanted but that it was up to me. As I'm ovulating from the right ovary (that leads to nowhere) I decided to save my money and talk to my RE instead. If I need IVF I want to save all the money that I can as I've already blown through all of my savings to get to where I am now. ugh.
I've already sent an email to New Hope about mini ivf... I don't know if it's the best solution or not but I figured I'd be proactive. My RE isn't available for 2 weeks so I'm on a different sort of wait and doing all the research that I can do in the meantime.
I'm super upset but trying to be positive... Unicorns are lucky right? I also feel that the fact that I'm an anomaly might get me some more serious attention. I'm hoping that my RE / IVF clinic will see me as a kind of challenge and go the extra mile. It might sound silly but it's all that I've got to cling to right now. I've no idea how I'm going to come up with $10,000
I'll find a way though... will prob have to move in with my Mother at the end of my lease so that I can save money that way... take out a loan or something. Just so many questions and so much uncertainty right now... Suggestions on how to get a 20,000 windfall greatly appreciated.
Funny end note:
The creepy old Doctor asked me if I had a husband..... then boyfriend... to which I answered no... I'm doing this on my own, that I'd had a boyfriend but he didn't want children so I don't have any other options. He gushed 'Fabulous... that's excellent... he deserved to get kicked to the curb'.
I couldn't help wondering if he'd been puzzled by my freshly waxed you know what... Guess I'm an anomaly in more than one way to him!
I took it for granted that the things I can't see in my body were as they should be and this is how I went into my HSG this week.
On a side note I've never had a male OBGYN, not even for a pap or anything. I was a little disconcerted by the 65 year old man that greeted me by holding my hand and explaining that he was going to be doing the procedure. Bit creepy but oh well. I'm good at relaxing through procedures so I still wasn't too worried.
None of the instruments he used were warmed so the speculum went in almost icy and instantly tensed me up... each time I'd relaxed through it the next one would come in and be freezing. When the catheter was inserted and 'clamped' in place the pain was insane and made all the worse by the fact that you can't move whilst you're cramping. I could feel my body using every ounce of its strength to get the catheter out of me!! I guess it took longer than usual as they were rolling me around for a while and then finally it was over and everything was yanked out of me.
I was told that he suspected I had a unicornuate uterus but not to worry as this doesn't mean that I can't conceive... just that I have a high chance of miscarriage and pre term labor - that's all. Then he said I was going to have a sono hystogram instantly so that they could have a closer look... that many women who have this condition also have just the one kidney.
Super... so I'm walked across the hall to the next room with a towel between my legs and given a vaginal ultrasound followed by a sono where the catheter is reinserted (further insane cramping but not for as long but made me cry - more out of fear than anything!) and then the news that I do have two kidneys and two ovaries but only the left is attached to the half a uterus... I think he said that the half was of a good size but not 100%. I think that what I have is either picture A1b or A2 in case you need a visual (which I did but wasn't given.)
The experience was awful... I was treated as if I were unconscious and they were speaking about me whilst I was there (saying she/her instead of my name). I guess it's kind of rare and they were very excited so there were 4 of them in the room reading the monitor. I even told them that they needed to calm down, that they were overly excited about me perhaps having only one kidney but they ignored me. My questions weren't really answered... everything was vague and I felt pretty violated. I even had to ask them to explain the sono procedure as everyone was just ignoring me at that point.
I was told I could go ahead and do an IUI this month if I wanted but that it was up to me. As I'm ovulating from the right ovary (that leads to nowhere) I decided to save my money and talk to my RE instead. If I need IVF I want to save all the money that I can as I've already blown through all of my savings to get to where I am now. ugh.
I've already sent an email to New Hope about mini ivf... I don't know if it's the best solution or not but I figured I'd be proactive. My RE isn't available for 2 weeks so I'm on a different sort of wait and doing all the research that I can do in the meantime.
I'm super upset but trying to be positive... Unicorns are lucky right? I also feel that the fact that I'm an anomaly might get me some more serious attention. I'm hoping that my RE / IVF clinic will see me as a kind of challenge and go the extra mile. It might sound silly but it's all that I've got to cling to right now. I've no idea how I'm going to come up with $10,000
I'll find a way though... will prob have to move in with my Mother at the end of my lease so that I can save money that way... take out a loan or something. Just so many questions and so much uncertainty right now... Suggestions on how to get a 20,000 windfall greatly appreciated.
Funny end note:
The creepy old Doctor asked me if I had a husband..... then boyfriend... to which I answered no... I'm doing this on my own, that I'd had a boyfriend but he didn't want children so I don't have any other options. He gushed 'Fabulous... that's excellent... he deserved to get kicked to the curb'.
I couldn't help wondering if he'd been puzzled by my freshly waxed you know what... Guess I'm an anomaly in more than one way to him!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Keeping busy during the break before the wait
Am feeling a little more positive than when I last wrote... after all, it's only been two attempts, no medication, no intervention. I know plenty of people who have tried for a lot, lot longer with no idea about the limitations of their bodies, their numbers etc. It kind of boggles my mind how many people don't ask for medical help when they have trouble conceiving.
So yes... focusing on positivity has begun in earnest again.
Plus have had a lot to focus on... have had renters in my property for a while and they're all moving out - my Mother is moving back in so I've been getting it clean and presentable again... painting etc.
I've also been working a lot although this weekend I had unexpected fun. I ran into a good friend and we decided to make a day of eating and drinking. I let my hair down... got a little tipsy and had so much fun with him... all this and in bed by 10pm. I was not made to be a day drinker! It was so great to have male company... he's smart, sensible and knows how to have fun. In a different lifetime I'd be chasing him but it's not the right time for either of us now and we both know it. Who knows if anything could happen in the future but it's not worth thinking about for now. (Well, not more than fleetingly... you can tell I've obviously thought about it.)
I'm about to have a lot more family support with the return of my Mother (nobody else in my family knows my plans.) I didn't even tell her until I was into my second cycle of IUI's because she was distracted overseas by her own woes and wasn't being much of a listener at that point.
So life is on the UP... HSG on Thursday and I'm making my Mother drive me just in case I don't feel too great afterwards. People seem to have such a wide variety of reactions to it. Will update after to let you all know how I did.
So yes... focusing on positivity has begun in earnest again.
Plus have had a lot to focus on... have had renters in my property for a while and they're all moving out - my Mother is moving back in so I've been getting it clean and presentable again... painting etc.
I've also been working a lot although this weekend I had unexpected fun. I ran into a good friend and we decided to make a day of eating and drinking. I let my hair down... got a little tipsy and had so much fun with him... all this and in bed by 10pm. I was not made to be a day drinker! It was so great to have male company... he's smart, sensible and knows how to have fun. In a different lifetime I'd be chasing him but it's not the right time for either of us now and we both know it. Who knows if anything could happen in the future but it's not worth thinking about for now. (Well, not more than fleetingly... you can tell I've obviously thought about it.)
I'm about to have a lot more family support with the return of my Mother (nobody else in my family knows my plans.) I didn't even tell her until I was into my second cycle of IUI's because she was distracted overseas by her own woes and wasn't being much of a listener at that point.
So life is on the UP... HSG on Thursday and I'm making my Mother drive me just in case I don't feel too great afterwards. People seem to have such a wide variety of reactions to it. Will update after to let you all know how I did.
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