Retrieval...

I had my retrieval yesterday.  I was a bag of nerves.  I'm such a wuss mentally about general anesthetic but then when I saw how quickly the lady in front of me was 'processed' I started to relax a bit.

I was very impressed with the customer service... I got to meet the anesthesiologist, the surgeon, the assisting nurses and the lab technician who was fertilizing the eggs.  The nurse found my vein pretty quickly (miracle!) and generally they all put me at ease... 

Before I knew it I was out of surgery and dreaming that I was at work.  They retrieved 8 eggs and I found out today that 7 of them successfully fertilized.  I'm very happy with those odds!  

They're hoping that my little embryo's will make it to blast so that would mean that my transfer will be on Tuesday.  I'm tentatively scheduled for Sunday just in case 3 day is my option.  My fingers, toes and yes, legs are firmly crossed that I have some left to freeze so that I hopefully don't have to go through this again.  

IVF is such a miracle to me.  I remember being a child and hearing about test tube babies and thinking it sounded so peculiar and amazing.  Little did I know that all these years later I would be benefiting from this very technology.  

So here's to my little embryo's... sending all of my positive energy to make them strong enough to come and hang out in my uterus for 9 months!

My internal testicles.

I'm in full swing... been injecting my poor belly daily for 11 days now.  First day was scary... I was so scared to do something wrong but thanks to the power of Google I was able to find a video that wasn't confusing.  Now I'm a pro.

The shots at the start (follistim with menopur) aren't bad at all... you barely feel them.  Side effects were minimal for the first 10 days... then they added Cetrotide to stop me from Ovulating early.  It stings after you inject it and it's a much bigger shot... goes bright red and lumpy!  Today was my last day of that which is when they informed me that it is a lot less uncomfortable if you ice the area down first for 5 mins... OMG... night and day... was so much easier today and didn't feel as though I'd been stung by 100 wasps... (just 2!)  So remember that tip if you ever need it!

Yesterday I had a meltdown at work over something very trivial.  I'm usually a pro at checking my problems at the door.  My boss smelled a rat and wanted to know if I would like to talk about it.  I told her (sobbed more like) what I'm doing, about how irrationally hormonal I feel and that I've no control over my tears apparently.  She was so relieved and happy!  Amazingly supportive... so now I no longer have to worry about taking time off for the retrieval or anything else that may come up.  I've been there for 5 years and gone through a lot in that time and never cracked... she actually found it quite amusing... particularly as I'm mortified that my emotions are so close to the surface right now!  

I'm glad that's out in the open... meanwhile I feel like I have two giant testicles inside me that are thumping their way out... which is good news as it means that my follicles are nice and big and my ovaries are stretching.  I look slightly pregnant and sucking in my poor bruised stomach is not an option.

Still doing acupuncture... last shots today... triggering tomorrow and the retrieval on Thursday.  I remain scared but also excited to get this show on the road.  

I hope it works, i.hope.it.works, ihopeitworks!   

Moving Forward...

I've been quiet because I've been in a holding pattern and have been coming to terms with the fact that the journey to conception is not going to be as easy as I thought.  

I made appointments with two IVF clinics so that I could select the one that was the best fit for me.  I ended up cancelling the second one because I loved the first one so much and also because they wanted me to FAX everything to them.  They refused to accept scanned and emailed documents.  I told them that I got rid of my Fax machine in the 90's and wasn't about to get one now... I don't even have a land line and have tried to turn my PC into a fax machine before with no success.

I digress... my chosen clinic made me feel really good about everything.  They weren't daunted by my strange Uterus... just said that they'd only transfer single embryo's.  He's happy with my numbers, doesn't put too much credence in AMH and said that there was no need to do PGD.  Said that the cost doesn't outweigh the risks or the benefits.  Fine with me.

I had to take out financing because I've blown through my savings and didn't have the extra 8000 hanging around that I needed to make this happen.  

I didn't have to take birth control pills which I was so happy about as they've never much agreed with me - started on Estrace about a week ago and currently awaiting my period (due yesterday.)  So typical that it would be late when I'm normally clockwork.  Wondering if it might be the Estrace that's set it back?  Once it arrives everything sets in motion... start Follistim and Menopur injections and then the monitoring etc.

I'm nervous... all my eggs are in this basket so to speak and I'm petrified that it will fail...

I keep telling myself one day at a time... it's all I can do.  So my fingers and toes (but not my legs) are crossed... I'll update a little more now that something is happening.  

 

Another Setback

Went for my ultrasound today to see how the clomid worked for me... the right side is happily displaying 5 lovely follicles ready to produce eggs that go into the void of uselessness.  The left side is sleeping with just 2 under 12mm.  

I give up... have called and made an appointment with an IVF clinic.  I can't afford CCRM... I don't have the heart to do another 3 IUI's doomed for failure in order that I can qualify (If I were to marry someone that is) for IVF to be covered.  So I'm just gonna take out a loan and be broke. 

No idea how to judge the SART statistics.  Been told that those stats are so dependent on a lot of factors that take some major research.  I figure that my numbers are all pretty good and I know that my ovaries work... I just have to hope that I get lucky.  I have 2 vials of my donor in storage so I figure I'll use those for IVF and go from there.  If you had IVF on the East coast of USA let me know if you have a good recommendation that doesn't cost $20,000 a pop...

Just want to get this ball rolling now as I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take.  

I'm doing nothing...

Here I am, plodding along towards my next IUI which, if things go well will happen this weekend.  

Slight difference this time because I'm doing nothing.  No acupuncture, no weird herbal medicines, no teas... just me... clomid and the little addition of Ubiquinol.  (Obv still taking my pre-natals.)  I guess a part of me just feels that if it's going to happen it'll happen and spending $400+ a month on acupuncture and potions just isn't worth it if I'm going to have to spend my $$$ on IVF down the line.  Better to conserve funds now. 

So, I'm just gonna go with the flow and see what hand I'm dealt this month.  Who knows if the left ovary is going to produce a follicle (I find out on Thursday)... hopefully it does and this can go ahead but if not then I guess I really will have to take the next step...  

Not going to add myself to any lists... don't feel like seeing myself on the NTT list again... so giving myself a break and keeping TTC in the background of my life.

Now... off out to eat sushi!

Another NTT

In case you couldn't work it out from my subtle title, this month was another big fat negative... felt extra bad as it was the 3rd attempt and I really went all out in so far as acupuncture, diet etc... thought the Universe may have done me a favor and aligned but it was not to be.

So what next?  I feel pretty helpless and as though IUI's are just never going to work for me... I'm going to do one more this month on clomid because the vials are already paid for and at the RE office... however, the thought of doing another 3 tries is filling me with horror.  My desire is to just jump to IVF and see if that works.

Oh but IVF is so complicated!  Not just like I can go to any old clinic... there's research that must be done to see what their success rates are like... plus on top of that I have to find the money to pay for it!  (Debt here I come!)  I don't really know where to begin... do I go overseas?  I consider doing that but I really want an id release/known donor and in the cheaper places they only allow anonymous... sort of going against everything I promised my future child I'd make available to them.

So any input is much appreciated...  if you had IVF in New England area and loved the place you went to and it didn't cost 15,000 then let me know. I'd go to New York if the price was right too!

Very much an in limbo post... have decided not to do acupuncture for this cycle and save my funds for doing it when/if I make the leap to IVF.  

This is the first point in my journey where TTC is taking up my every thought... up until now I've been pretty calm about it - not testing until at least day 13 (In fact this past cycle I didn't test once!)  Now finally I'm in the "Oh fuck, what if this never works" stage.  I am not enjoying this one little bit. 
 

IUI #3 A happy ending I hope.

I emerge swollen eyed from the worst month I've ever experienced.  I'm still in a state of shock so am so thankful for this IUI to distract me from the grief of the past few weeks.  Who knew that a 2ww would be a welcomed distraction... I won't need any help getting through this one... for sure!

Just over a month ago I got a call from a good friend who wasn't feeling well.  He knew I'd just gotten an Affordable Healthcare Plan and he wanted help in getting one too.  I did it 2 days before the deadline and just over a week later he called me with the news:

Cancer

He went in for a surgery to make him more comfortable.  Turns out he'd been in a lot of pain but hadn't told anyone.  

Stage 4.  

Already in liver & lymph nodes... just a year maximum to live.  

But the bigger problem was that he didn't heal from the surgery so they had to go in again... he ended up in the ICU... more complications than I ever want to bore you with.  Suffice to say that I was in there every day visiting and talking to him - even when he was in a coma and hoping with all my might that he would pull through enough that we could just talk to him again.  

Just as it looked like he might be making a come back things took a turn for the ultimate worse.  His family and friends were faced with turning off his life support.  

By far the hardest thing I've ever had to do... saying goodbye.  

He was so young (52) and such a sweet heart.  

It's been so hard to wrap my head around the fact that he is no longer with us.  

On the other hand I've gotten to know his best friend whom I'd only ever seen in passing before... we've become extremely close and he's very supportive/excited about my journey to become a mother.  I've also become close with his family and everyone around him during those times.  We've become a tight unit of our own.  

I silently asked him if he could do me a favor when he gets up there and help his namesake be born!  I fully intend to give his name as a middle name to my child whether it's male or female!  

Since he's been gone my left ovary has kicked into action... finally the side that's connected to my Uterus is showing itself to be able to produce a good follicle.  

At the clinic today my favorite nurse did the IUI.  Upon leaving, the billboard by the hospital had my friends name on it.  The road was sponsored by a company bearing his name.   I saw the signs I wanted to see.

So now I'm just hoping the balance of the Universe takes someone away but gives me someone back.  A BFP would certainly help lift me from my sadness.


Rest in Peace my lovely friend.  You are missed.