As suspected. A negative result.

This cycle I failed to kid myself that I might just be pregnant... I felt less than nothing and as such was drinking a glass of red wine (medicinal of course) every evening after 9dpo.  I just knew.  I tested on 12dpo and of course it was negative.  I also had the niggling pre-cramps of my period from that same day.  

Beta test on day 14 and the call that it wasn't a success.  

Still feels like shit.

Period today in full force, cramps to cripple me and what's more there's snow on the ground outside.  So over the Winter!  

Even though I knew it hadn't worked this didn't mean that I wasn't hoping for a surprise miracle.  It still disappointed me.  Plus now I have the fear that it might never work.  The AMH test results really got to me.

On the other hand I'm necking back vitamin D3 as I sincerely think that this Winter has deprived me of direct sunlight... wrapped up in a multitude of layers to walk the dog, only seeing the sun through glass etc... so maybe this explains my low amh level... we shall see.  I'm also taking maca, royal jelly and my Ojas milk (which has done wonders for my joints.)

HSG test next week followed by more acupuncture and another monitored but unmedicated cycle.  It makes sense to me as I would otherwise have to sit this month out due to them not allowing me to be medicated and having the HSG.  

Hoping for a lucky no 3.

Already made an appointment with my RE to discuss getting aggressive after this... 

Already looked into having IVF in Prague.  

Interested in mini or natural IVF but it's just as expensive to do that here so don't really know whether there's a point to that.  Don't know whether they offer that in Prague or not but will ask.

Hate the idea of all those meds.  The Birth Control pill used to make me so crampy and moody... I always had to stop taking it almost as soon as I'd started.

Feeling bit crap and lonely... wish I knew someone close who was going through it at the same time... no matter how supportive friends are I just don't want to talk about the emotional toil this takes to them.  I guess there are no words.   

  

The worrying has begun.

Silly me.  I thought I could get through this whole trying to conceive process with a calm, centered, stress free interior... whilst it's continued on the exterior (I excel in outward calm,) my brain is going crazy.  Here's why:

I'm now 9 days post IUI and I feel totally the same... more normal than normal... I've stayed true to my goal and not googled any symptoms... other than the odd twinge here and there, there have been no symptoms.  I just feel like nothing's going on in there.  

At my RE appointment for the results of my day 3 testing she was happy with all of my results except for my AMH which she said was low at a 0.25   I didn't really know what this meant but asked if there was a need for medication and she said that at this stage she didn't think that would be necessary.  She sees no reason why I wouldn't be able to conceive naturally and suggested I do 4 or 5 unmedicated cycles and see what happens...

4 or 5??!!  There's no way I want to go through this that many times... Of course I googled the AMH level and discovered that it's worse than very low... even with her assurances that everything else is good I still find my mind obsessing over this one area that my body's failing... My brain has jumped to IVF options (thanks to a friend who went overseas for hers, I feel that this is in my budget now if it needs to be.)  I've also booked myself in for an HSG if this cycle fails... that'll eliminate another potential problem area.

So now I'm taking Maca powder, royal jelly caplets, eating sunflower seeds, leafy greens, drinking Ojas milk with extra tumeric... whatever I can do to improve the health of my dwindling eggs... 

Whilst on one hand I'm getting through this 2ww pretty easily I think it's mainly because I am already believing in its failure and planning for the next attempt... I really hope I'm wrong but visualization techniques have totally eluded me since my RE visit on Tuesday.  I followed it with acupuncture however which is good for de-stressing but didn't seem to help this time! 

I'm so scared that this is going to go on forever with no result... that I've forsaken my dream because I stayed with the wrong guy for too long and then waited around for the right guy for even longer.  I wish I'd started doing this the month after we broke up... and more than anything I long for the day when this is behind me and I start life anew with a mini-me who will go on to rule the world!

Not much to ask really is it?

IUI #2 here we go...

And so begins anew the two week wait after my second IUI which has occurred a month to the day after my first IUI.  Feels a little different this time... and I have a new rule for this one:

No googling of symptoms allowed.  Not even once! 

That's it... this time I've arranged to have a beta test at day 14 so that I don't have to wait til my period on day 16.  I refuse to buy those cheapo pregnancy kits from amazon... I see no point in torturing myself over something that cannot be changed.  I'm gonna be the coolest two week waiter that ever was... haha.. we shall see.

In other news I have been doing acupuncture instead of drinking teas and such... I had a session before my IUI this morning and she focused a lot on relaxation as well as fertility stuff... it totally worked because I've been barely able to move today from sheer exhaustion.  Relaxed to the point of coma pretty much.  I go back in a couple of days for a session that promotes egg implantation.  I think that the acupuncture makes me feel like I'm doing something which creates an overall sense of control and calm within me.  I don't know how I'll feel if I'm still doing this in 4 months but for today, at least, it's working.

Now time to get back into bed.  Wish me luck ... 

 
 

Change of tactic & awesome friends...

My next IUI is about a week away and I'm feeling pretty good about it.  I feel like I have a lot more knowledge and it's made me feel so empowered.  

Since my last post I've been for my day 3 blood work (results pending) and had a baseline ultrasound on my ovaries.  I guess I watch too much TV because I naively thought it was done on my belly... not internally... ah well... seems that stripping and probing have become a part of my weekly life.  Amazing how easily I converse now with medical instruments inside my vagina.  Who knew how quickly I would get used to this hey? 

In order for the RE to agree to monitoring, I had to agree to a trigger shot... I feel okay about that.  Just one shot in the stomach and this makes the window of ovulation much easier for them to pinpoint.  This also means that I can go down to just one IUI a month instead of back to backs.  Easier on the finances which is also nice.  

So now I know the following: I have healthily developing follicles on the right ovary.  My left ovary is smaller than the right and my Uterus is the right thickness for where I am in my cycle.  I go back at the weekend for another ultrasound and for instruction on when the trigger shot must be administered.  Thank goodness for the Doula who will be giving this to me - lest I pass out/throw up etc.

In other news I have discovered that my friends are all awesome.  It's not that I'm telling everyone that I'm doing this RIGHT NOW... but I have told a fair few of them that it's going to happen and that I'm getting the testing done for it to be in my future.  Males and females alike have all responded with so much support, encouragement and a little curiosity too.  Nobody has told me I'm crazy or that it's wrong or questioned my motivation.  All of those niggling fears of judgment that I had were totally unfounded and that's so great... gives me a lot of confidence going forward.  I really think that I'm incredibly lucky.  

Even Mr Benefits has come back after a month break.  He says he thinks that what I'm doing is amazing and he wants to be around to support me.  Said that if I want ice cream at 3am he might not be there...  but by 6am he'll bring it to me.  He's also excited about the idea of my expanding boobs.  I don't have the heart to tell him that I'll probably want him to stay 3ft away from them at all times.  

Let the man dream...

NTT AKA BFN

Acronyms annoy me for the most part... I don't know why exactly but you'll never see me writing LOL.  I'm more of a haha girl.  Onomatopoeia's are more up my street... so thus, if you should see me writing things out in full don't be surprised. I make exceptions for IUI/OPK but anything that involves emotion... BFN, IMHO... I'll just be writing them out and feeling them as I type them.   Thus the title of today's blog is a one off.  Don't get used to it.

I digress... the point is that my first try at IUI, was a fail.  Am I a little disappointed?  Of course.  Did I shed a tear?  Not a single one.  In truth I knew it was a long shot... It was the attempt that got my toes wet and taught me what to expect for future try/tries.  

This is what I've learned:
  

• My body is a vessel not to be trusted and may present me with symptoms that trick me.  For example; cramping stomach, extreme fatigue, occasional shooting pains in uterus area. 

• I'm a good waiter.  I didn't do a home pregnancy test until day 14 and the only reason I did it then was because that was the day I would have gone for my beta test.  It was obviously negative so it squashed 75% of my hope.

 I've also realized that I probably would have fainted if it had worked.  This would have been followed by extreme panic and a lot of pacing.  Instead, the lack of success of my first IUI has given me a more tangible confidence in the quest for a child on my own.  I don't know exactly how to explain it but I now know, in a way that I hadn't a month ago just how much I want this.  That little edge of fear that followed me around has evaporated... if this works, I'm going to be just fine.  More than that... I'm going to be ecstatic!  


My plan of action for this month is to go for day 3 testing, get some acupuncture and try to stomach royal jelly again.  I'd like to get some monitoring but it doesn't look like I'm going to get an appointment with my RE before I ovulate so I'm not sure if I can make that happen.  I feel a little like just relying on the OPK's is a long shot but I'm not prepared to examine my cervix and I've never monitored my temperature... also heard it wasn't that useful.  I'd like to do more to get the timing right... I guess I'll talk to the nurse that does my blood work tomorrow and get some suggestions.

Is it strange that I think the 12 day wait to get into the 2 week wait is worse than that 2 week wait itself?  At least during that time I know that I have done what I can and just maybe something is happening.  Right now I am in overdrive trying to work out what more I can do and just wishing myself into ovulation... at least I can enjoy a glass of wine or two tonight I guess. 

Still waiting...

I'm in the final stretch of the two week wait...  I'm timing it from the 2nd IUI (I had back to backs.)  This would take me to Wednesday... thing is that AF is due on Thursday so rather than take a test and doubt it,  I am hoping to have the resilience to just wait til Thurs (or Fri) if it doesn't show.

I don't feel significantly different to usual.  My boobs are always sore at this time of the month so that's not a new symptom... I do feel a little more emotional but that can easily be explained away by the stress that I must be feeling somewhere within for doing this... I've had an on and off ache in my stomach ever since the IUI's but I'm guessing my body didn't like being breached and that's just the side effect of it.  Lastly I have been very tired the past few days... napping every day.  Again, I explain this away because napping makes time go faster and I tend to become more tired when I'm under emotional strain.  

Thus, in my brain = not pregnant.  

Last night I went out and had a couple of glasses of bubbles with a friend... I let him pour red in my glass after that but I only pretended to sip on it... I didn't want to push it.  Now, I know a lot of people don't know that they're pregnant, (my friend C. had a tequila fest a few days before she found out and she seems to be doing fine!) however, I can't knowingly do it!  My friend wasn't suspicious as I'd told him I was going to do a bit of a cleanse for a month or two this year so he just thought it was that.  It feels so weird to be acting as though I might be pregnant whilst feeling totally normal.  Not that I need to drink to have a good time but I would have definitely enjoyed a glass of red with my entree and perhaps a cocktail to finish the night.  I've never been a huge drinker... 3 drink limit and that only once every couple of weeks but I did miss it yesterday!

One cool thing about this 'I might be' stage is that I'm pulling out the tight dresses and rocking them.  I figure I should enjoy my svelte figure while it lasts and wear that dress that might bring me a little extra attention.  I am really appreciating being 'thin'.  It sounds silly but who knows if I'll ever get my body back to how it is now... I've never had to think about weight before and have always said that I'd embrace pregnancy as it will give me a feeling of what it's like to be bigger bodied.  I stand by that still... although I'm a little scare of the boob expansion!

That's all today... although if you're reading this I'd love if you'd follow me - even anonymously.  I see people are stopping by and I have had the odd comment here and there but it would be nice to have just a few people brave enough to follow me so I know I'm not talking to an empty room all the time.  Put a sort of face to the numbers.... no pressure.



 

Health Insurance

On March 1st my health insurance kicks in... Yay Obamacare!  I've been able to afford a great policy which I'd never have been able to afford before.  It covers a lot and has a small deductible/max out of pocket/whatever.  Hallelujah!

Initially I had thought that nothing I was about to do as a Single woman trying for a child would be covered... now I have been told that all monitoring and medications will be paid for by the health insurance company.  Of course the IUI's will come out of my own pocket but it's kind of comforting to know that next month I can get a little monitoring.  (I've been planning next month since my 1st IUI as I'm still in denial this could have worked.)

So, if this month is a no go then I'll be doing day 3 testing and finding out if I have many eggs left and all of that fun stuff... Still saying no to drugs until I've done 3 rounds on my own.  

Another benefit to health insurance that will save me money is that I will most likely just be filled with Mr Handsome once a month instead of back to backs.  

On another note I went to get my progesterone levels checked yesterday and it came back great... a 16 which would more than promote a healthy pregnancy... again, that's with no drugs.  I wasn't sure if it was 100% necessary but I was just interested to see what it said more than anything.  It was a hell of a day.  The RE office is an hour away and whilst I was there a huge snow storm blew in... was only meant to be a dusting.  My car is no good in the snow and I usually don't drive it in such weather conditions... wiped out driving 20mph in a straight line and hit the barrier... ugh.  Just when I thought I'd stretched my finances enough too.  

The RE tried to get me in for a BETA test in a week but I refused it.  I said I'd wait for my period and that would be my BETA test... if it fails to come then I'll take a home test and come and see them after 1st March!  Trying to be as Zen as I can about the whole 2ww.  It feels so unreal... like being pregnant couldn't possibly be an option.  At the same time I cried 3 times yesterday and usually I only cry about once a year so I guess it's getting to me in the deep downs.

One more week to go... tick tock.