7 weeks and a heartbeat!

Sorry for the delay in a post... It's not that I didn't think about it or want to do it, more that I was letting the world play out without having another blog post about my bitter disappointment.

So luckily, this is actually about my cautious joy at being currently 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant and being witness to the tiny little snowflakes beating heart not once, but twice!

It hasn't been totally smooth of course. I peed on a stick 5 days after transfer and got my faint, squinter of a positive. As I freaked myself out that the lines weren't getting darker quick enough I finally pulled my beta forward a day as patience was not on my side! A nice beta of 115 if I recall correctly. Second beta followed and was 465.

I had a small bleed on Christmas Day which I was very calm about but a few days later, out to dinner with a friend and I had a big bleed! I thought it was all over. I was sure I'd lost a pregnancy again but an ultrasound the next day at 5 wk 4 days showed a strong heartbeat instead of the empty uterus I'd imagined. Probably the most amazing and unexpected thing I've ever seen in my life.

Since then all has been well. I've not had a single "oh shit!" Moment. I've spent so long getting here that I just don't have time for second thoughts. This little kid needs to get here in one healthy piece to recieve so much love. I can't believe it's happening. I'm so excited to get a belly. Now my biggest challenge is to stay grounded and make this next 5 weeks go fast. I think I'll really relax after I hit the magic 12 week mark.

Oh and so far my symptoms are manageable. Mild nausea and boobs that done feel like they belong on this body!

Signs and sh*t

I am les than a week away from my FET - a PGD tested normal embryo with an over 50% chance of success. I guess I should be feeling excited, maybe confident but I just feel paralyzed by fear of failure. I know it's not healthy, that disappointment is my middle name and I should entirely be used to the process by now but I guess that I'm not. 

I have been in pain for the past few weeks. My stomach contracting in the area where my Uterus is and also Ive been plagued by the worse reflux I have ever experienced. I went to the Dr and the pills for GERD helped a little but not entirely.  I then went to my uterus massage lady who spent an hour on my abdomen. Turns out that my IBS (triggered by stress, break up and FET no doubt) had caused an inflammation in part of my colon and my uterus was stuck on it. By the end of the hour my pain had gone and 3 days later my reflux has almost vanished! My uterus no longer hurts and I can feel that everything is moving as it should. I'm so glad I found her and that I feel my body is at last ready to accept my little embryo. 

So anyways, I've been thinking about all the signs that have happened since my ttc journey began. My 3rd iui would have led to a baby born perfectly by the end of the year, it also occurred right as I watched my friend lose his fight to cancer. I felt sure that his loss entitled me to a child to fill the sad space he left in my life. I was ovulating from the correct side. 3 follicles. His name on billboards (a car dealership bears his name) visible from the hospital window as my iui took place. It didn't work. 

Transfers that would have led to good news on birthdays, Christmas and other holidays always failed. A song on the radio on my way back from a FET singing about babies and miracles would feel like a sign. License plates reading baby1!  And finally pregnant I went to see the heartbeat on the anniversary of my friends passing convinced that the universe couldn't deal me two blows on the same date. That this was finally a good sign. Alas. There was no heartbeat. Two lost heartbeats on the same day. How cruel fate is. 

And now. Another transfer... Want to know the signs? If I POAS on what would have been the due date of my miscarried child I will know whether I'm pregnant or not. And if it takes? My child will share its due date with my estranged sister. 

I know now that signs mean nothing at all and that my child will be mine when it's ready to get here. Signs don't mean shit and the world is a cruel place. All I can do is keep on wishing for my corner of happiness. 

Upcoming FET and a ghost story.

I have whiled away the past 3 months waiting for my body to recover from the ivf drugs and preparing myself for my FET. I don't know what that really means but the magical 3 periods have passed and I'm back on the estrogen by mouth and by patch.

Pretty stressful few months all in all. I've been living with friends and family while I wait for my house to be renovated. It's going to be so beautiful but it's been tough to be in other people's space - since May! Will be so happy when it's done.

I also got broken up with -via text 3 weeks ago. Then he ghosted me. It's really thrown me as we really did get along and I'd spent so much time around his kids and in his home. We certainly had problems but conversation would have been great. I know I'm better off out of it but I considered him a good friend and am now left with a slew of unanswered questions and new insecurities to process. Can I just say "asshole?"

I did read this article and it made me feel better and not so stupid.

http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/advice/and-then-i-never-heard-from-him-again-the-awful-rise-of-ghosting/

Of course on the day he sort of dumped me via text I also lost a woman who had been very dear to me in my childhood. Double whammy. It never rains.

So in order to end on a positive note I have a wonderful home that will be ready by the time I get the results of the FET. I no longer have to worry about what role, if any a man would play in my life because the man is out of it. My intention was to do it on my own and I was not comfortable having someone there from the start that I wasn't committed to. I've got an amazing adventure planned for the new year in the event that my FET fails. I'm thinking of starting my own little business. Pondering foster to adopt again and doing everything I can to chase happiness no matter what.

The Results are in....

So my most recent round of ivf is now behind me... 9 eggs, 5 embryos and 4 that went off for PGD testing which included the one embryo I had from the previous round... It was a long three week wait where I braced for bad news... But it wasn't all bad.  I have one normal embryo in there...  Good one that's ready to hatch!! It also came from the most recent round of ivf which is nice to know. At least that wasn't all for nothing.

So now I plan on taking a nice break to get the ivf yuck out of my body and have the optimum chance of success.  Have decided to let AF Visit 3 times and then go ahead with a FET.
Hopefully it will stick and then at the time I would have been giving birth to the child I miscarried I will fingers crossed be finding out that I have a new, healthier little bun growing in my oven.  After all this time I guess hope can still spring eternal.

In other parts of life the man continues to be in my world.  I know he had a hard time with me doing another round of ivf.  I won't talk about his future role because that means I have to acknowledge that it might work which just feels like bad luck to me at this point...plus he has his stuff. We have a long way to go but I hold out hope that things will be clearer for us all at the end of the year.

Back on the IVF train

Here we go again! Injections started today. Doing PGS this time so if there's nothing viable I don't have to put myself through multiple FETs or another miscarriage. This time it really is my last attempt. I needed 3 tries with ivf to give myself peace in knowing I tried my best but honestly these meds are scary. I don't even eat ketchup that's not organic so injecting myself with copious volumes of  hormones is insane to me. Of course if I get a good end result it will all be worth it. 

Of course my preferred donor had sold out. I'd saved favorites and they'd almost all sold out this past year too. I amazed myself by how little time I took to choose a new one. I actually did it during the phone call to the cryobank. To think what a process it was the first time around and now I'm just so 'whatever' about it. 

Please wish me luck. I feel I need more online support this time around as I'm really not telling anyone on the outside. This journey has taken to long, cost too much but I'm will be worth it in the end right? Right.  

Summer update.

It has once again been too long but I think I just needed a break from thinking about and reliving the miscarriage. I'm sure you all guessed that is what had happened anyway. I went back for a scan and sure enough there had been no progress.  I went for my DNC a couple of days later. I had the sample sent off for analysis and it was discovered that it had two trisomy abnormalities. The most common ones. The ones that have nothing to do with age. I think that's good news.

I have only one embryo left and I don't want to do a Fet with just that so I've been taking time off. I've only had one period since the miscarriage and I'd like to have two before I think about another round of ivf. I change my mind on a daily basis as to whether or not I want to do another round of IVF.

Im also in the midst of selling and buying a house which is like a part time job itself. As a result of selling my house I have to pay off my last fertility loan in order to qualify for a new mortgage.   This means I could very easily qualify for another fertility loan.  I think we all know how this story is going to end. For now though I'm plodding along and trying to enjoy the summer that never really feels like it's going to start. Not the usual balmy nights I've become used to.

I'm still dating the Tinder man. We still take it easy but it suits us both. The drama in his life is lessening somewhat but he remains very busy. Even though I sometimes think I need a little more I think in reality he's just what I need. If I do another round of ivf it'll be consuming and the ability to step back for a week or two if I need space will be good. I'm winning with the balancing act so far.

I've also pretty much decided to do a home study and get the adoption ball rolling. I am going to start a gofundme. Have any of you ever done this? I've spent all my money on fertility treatments so I thought asking for some help wouldn't be too cheeky? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Hope all a well out there in SMC land. I'll try to check in again soon.

Too good to be true.

*Warning, possible miscarriage mentioned*

So folks, it doesn't look like this story has a happy ending.  Yesterday at 7 weeks and 1 day I went for my first ultrasound.  I knew that something wasn't right as the technician wasn't excitedly turning the screen around to show me the heartbeat.  She asked me how far along I thought I was and then told me that what she saw was perfect for 5 weeks and 6 days.  8 days behind where I actually am.

I knew where this was going.  Gestational sac and yolk sac but no fetal pole.  No heartbeat. I've seen this happen to too many women to hold hope out for a good prognosis.

My RE says that we will give it another week.  That sometimes crazy things can happen with FET's but that it's not good.  He says to be pessimistically optimistic.  The executioners ultra-sound is on Wednesday.  I've already opted for a D & C.  I don't want to suffer through weeks of bleeding and uncertainty.

I'm naturally devastated.  I'll never have a BFP again, it'll always be a BF Maybe.  I can't even afford to do this anymore so this was more than likely it... my final shot.  Unless some miracle study appears that enables me ride this roller coaster again for free.  

As expected the new guy is being a sweetheart.  He holds out the hope that I can't.  He's just as disappointed as I am.  For now I'm hibernating and waiting out the next few days and trying to ignore the cramps that are already starting to change in their nature.