Signs and sh*t

I am les than a week away from my FET - a PGD tested normal embryo with an over 50% chance of success. I guess I should be feeling excited, maybe confident but I just feel paralyzed by fear of failure. I know it's not healthy, that disappointment is my middle name and I should entirely be used to the process by now but I guess that I'm not. 

I have been in pain for the past few weeks. My stomach contracting in the area where my Uterus is and also Ive been plagued by the worse reflux I have ever experienced. I went to the Dr and the pills for GERD helped a little but not entirely.  I then went to my uterus massage lady who spent an hour on my abdomen. Turns out that my IBS (triggered by stress, break up and FET no doubt) had caused an inflammation in part of my colon and my uterus was stuck on it. By the end of the hour my pain had gone and 3 days later my reflux has almost vanished! My uterus no longer hurts and I can feel that everything is moving as it should. I'm so glad I found her and that I feel my body is at last ready to accept my little embryo. 

So anyways, I've been thinking about all the signs that have happened since my ttc journey began. My 3rd iui would have led to a baby born perfectly by the end of the year, it also occurred right as I watched my friend lose his fight to cancer. I felt sure that his loss entitled me to a child to fill the sad space he left in my life. I was ovulating from the correct side. 3 follicles. His name on billboards (a car dealership bears his name) visible from the hospital window as my iui took place. It didn't work. 

Transfers that would have led to good news on birthdays, Christmas and other holidays always failed. A song on the radio on my way back from a FET singing about babies and miracles would feel like a sign. License plates reading baby1!  And finally pregnant I went to see the heartbeat on the anniversary of my friends passing convinced that the universe couldn't deal me two blows on the same date. That this was finally a good sign. Alas. There was no heartbeat. Two lost heartbeats on the same day. How cruel fate is. 

And now. Another transfer... Want to know the signs? If I POAS on what would have been the due date of my miscarried child I will know whether I'm pregnant or not. And if it takes? My child will share its due date with my estranged sister. 

I know now that signs mean nothing at all and that my child will be mine when it's ready to get here. Signs don't mean shit and the world is a cruel place. All I can do is keep on wishing for my corner of happiness.