Final post

All things come to an end so this will be my last post on this blog.

When I was trying to conceive I gorged myself on single mum by choice blogs.  I read their TTC journeys and gleaned all the information that I could. I think in some small way they would prepare me for the struggle ahead.  I would always stop reading once the child arrived. Never once did I read past the birth story.

So, once my child was born I guess I didn't really feel the urge to post. Plus seeing this blog just brings up all the emotions that I went through back then. I realize how depressed I was. It's hard to be reminded of my old, sad self.

I still follow others blogs using this page. These days I read the posts about the babies and the kids. These days I am no longer depressed (I am happy to say!)

And I have a new blog. One where I can speak of the past with the confidence of the present. I will blog about my amazing kid and the hilarity of parenting. I'd be happy to have you join me. Feel free to message me for the link. I just don't want the new blog to come up in this old blog in any search engines so in not posting it here to try to keep them separate and this one anonymous.

I'm leaving this up in the hope it maybe gives someone else going through the hell of infertility a little comfort.

Thanks for reading.

8.5 months little man.

And here we are with 8.5 months of life and love under our belts.  Its hard to imagine that there was a life without this little chap... I was trying to get a post up during National Infertility Awareness Week but just couldn't make it happen.  I did instead reflect a lot upon what it is to parent after being pretty certain that I was never going to have a chance to experience it. 

I gaze upon my sweet boy and sometimes my blood runs cold when I think how he could so easily not exist... how many millions of things had to go right for me to get this baby!  I even have nightmares of the freezer he was kept in for 3 months going wrong and losing him.  It's these post visions of the loss of the child I know and adore that I feel are the PTSD of infertility.  It's getting better for sure but it's still there.  And there is not a waking hour of any day that I do not fail to count my blessings and my good fortune that I'm a Mother... finally!

My child has blended seamlessly into my existence.  He's a very easy child with few demands (other than to be fed and entertained sometimes.)  He just had chicken pox, cut teeth and was in the middle of a big developmental leap... and during this spell he realized that he could make a very grumpy, pathetic noise and he has been making it often!!  It's a whine, a complain, a cry and a grunty sob all in one.  Its almost amusing to me as up until now I've had a baby that never complained.  Now that he is at least he's giving it his best shot!!

I am in awe of his achievements.  He just started pointing at things upon request "where's the dog/fan/light/bear" etc and has close to 20 signs in his repertoire.  I've been doing very light version of Elimination Communication with him and that's resulted in him pooping/peeing in the potty every morning and most evenings.  (we're only trying twice a day so far).  He loves his family and squeals with delight every time one of them enters his line of vision.  He laughs easily and often and he is such a snuggler.  If I had ever dared to imagine how my child would be, I would never have dreamed up one as perfect as he is.  My chilled out little surfer baby... haha.  I do often state that I'm taking every moment of this stage as I've no doubt he will give me a run for his money when he hits the 2s and 3s. 

I am so glad those horrible years of TTC are behind me but I will never forget them and never fail to be there for others who are still in the trenches of it.  I am trying to work out a way to help others going through it without having to go back to school for years to do so.  If you have any ideas throw them my way. 

The child stirs... he rubs his eyes and laughs at his hands then makes that new noise he's so fond of followed by mamamamum... it's time to go 

4 months old, first Christmas

It's been a while, lack of computer still keeping me off of blogging. iPad makes it so sluggish and  for some reason  I have never fully grasped how to use speech to text.

my little one is now 4 months old and the light of my life. He has been such an easy baby. Except for when he was born I didn't hear him cry until he was about 5 weeks old (because he was hungry in his car seat. Easy fix.) He has been a good sleeper from the get go. I have never been sleep deprived. I had terrible insomnia during the TTC process and whilst pregnant. The second X was born I felt a weight lift off of me. The stress dissolved and I could finally relax as it was all over. Maybe he picked up on this because he is a chilled out little guy.

I had no idea that infants have a personality. I had always said that I'd be happy to be handed a six month old and go from there... How wrong I was! This kid is full of character. He smiles easily, he coos and chats up a storm. He's patient when you change his clothes and his diaper. He's snugly and gentle. He's also huge! We are already in 12 month pjs. He's so long. Thighs for days and cheeks for weeks. A proper little Buddha! 88th percentile for weight and 94th for height. I don't think we will be in the bucket seat for too long. It already seems pretty snug!

I took him across the country when he was 5 weeks old to meet his cousins and aunties. Flying was a breeze as he was so small he just slept. I just love having a little travel companion.  We plan on going to meet a lot of his diblings in May which I'm looking forward to. I think they're such a valuable resource for him and hope that he will be close to at least a couple of them as he gets older. The likelihood of me having another is slim. It took me so much to get him here. I wish I could do it as I want him to have someone to share childhood memories with and to be here for him when I am not but I really don't think that it is to be. Finances and fertility are not on my side! Not that I am sad. I'm beyond happy that I have my son. I love waking up to his face in the morning and look forward to the adventures we will have.

It's mind boggling to go back a year. I was barely pregnant and equal parts excited and fearful. I felt like my body was wrapped in a fragile bubble and I was so careful with it. I hadn't even had my first ultrasound. I tried to imagine what the next Christmas would be like but could only talk in maybes and what ifs. I pretty much spent the first half of my pregnancy that way. And now he lies under his activity mat playing contentedly. He squeals intermittently and tries to breastfeed off of the hanging mirror.

What a difference a year makes.

BEST.GIFT.EVER

Happy holidays to you all. May your baby dreams come true.

Pics of my little miracle...

I had wanted to share these with you last time but I wasn't able to upload to blogger from ipad... but here he is.  My perfect little human being on the day he came out!

Would you look at those hands?!  He was like a puppy with over sized paws - I'm sure he'll grow into them!

I'm finally a Mummy!

Tomorrow my beautiful little boy will be a month old. It's safe to say that I did it! I am still pinching myself and awakening with a smile on my face when I see my perfect little son safely sleeping at my side. There's no words to describe the happiness and the peace I feel in my core since his arrival.

So his birth story must be told!

I went in for my scheduled c section having spent a sleepless night watching my belly roll and my pelvis take its final kicks... All the while hoping he had flipped which of course he didn't. I was at the hospital at 5.30 am and on the 3rd attempt they got the IV in. (I still have a bruise from one of the tries!) I had my final ultrasound. Butt down confirmed. Off I went to the OR for my spinal. To say I was petrified was an understatement. My surgeries consist of egg retrievals, a D&C and a small breast lump removal as a teen. The thought of having my abdomen cut open terrified me even though I knew the reward was worth it!

I had a wonderful anaesthesiologist who talked me through everything. The spinal was uncomfortable, painful even but not for long. The feeling of your legs going numb is horrible, like your body is dying and there's nothing you can do. People around you moving you, inserting catheter, putting those sticky monitor pads on you and painting you orange! Then they brought my mother in and the tugging, pushing and pulling began. My Mum was great at distracting me but I am not gonna pretend that I was fearless! Finally my anaesthesiologist told me he could see the babies bottom emerging so it wouldn't be long. A few minutes later he emerged and I saw his legs as they whizzed him across the room to make sure he was ok. I had very distinct wishes for skin to skin right after but it turns out that both of our temps had dropped during the birth and he needed to be under a heat lamp while they tried to get my temp up too. They had him propped up under the lamp for a moment so I could see him but it was quick and I had no idea what was happening. I sent my mum to go and look at him to check he was ok. She had said she wanted me to see him first which was so sweet but it was more important right then that I knew he was fine! So she was with him while I went through the shakes (didn't last long at all) and craned my neck to get glimpses of my son as they tugged and pulled at my insides some more!

Finally he was brought to me and placed on my chest. This stranger who I already loved so much and who's face I hadn't yet seen. I wasn't allowed to look at him because they had us covered in blankets so I could just see the top of his head and his nose. I was finally distracted from my abdomen and was wheeled into the recovery room where an hour and five minutes after his birth my baby breast fed. Like a champion!

The day passed in a happy haze. Our temperatures stabilized after a few hours. I sent out just a couple of he's arrived type texts to family and a couple Single Mom friends. I just wanted the day to ourselves to gaze in wonder at my son.

I was lucky. My little took to the breast and the hospital had lactation consultants on hand whom I called in every time I fed for the first 24 hours. I was determined to master it and by day 3 we had it down! My night nurse let me co sleep with him from the 2nd night so I had 7 hours sleep that night and 8 on the 3rd night! I was having to set an alarm to wake him to feed! I feel so fortunate that they let us sleep this way as we continued it when I got home. Skin to skin for the first 3.5 weeks. I just put him in pjs a couple nights ago as it got cold. He's never been swaddled... He's taking Up as much space in the world as he can already!  He's remained a good sleeper albeit I'm up twice every night for feeds but it's less than the pregnancy insomnia I suffered before. He also doesn't cry. He lets out a squeak if he is hungry, dirty or wants to be burped. He will turn this into a cry if he's in the car seat and can't be catered to but his crying is short and easily sourced and fixed.

So all in all a dream baby, but let's face it, I was going to think anything was a dream baby.  I just think that I relaxed so much as soon as he was on my chest that he sensed it and responded in kind. My struggles are over and I got my dream. He can scream, cry, poop, tantrum all he likes and I'll still have hearts in my eyeballs and think he's cute. I'll revisit this post in a couple years but for now here he is... My lovely gremlin.

Last day of being pregnant!

Can you believe that it's here?!  My final day of being pregnant has arrived....

What a ride it has been... my little flipper was breach the entire pregnancy until I hit 32 weeks when he miraculously flipped to put himself in the perfect position for a vaginal birth.  I was so happy and immediately changed hospitals to one with a great reputation for low intervention natural birth (not to mention it was closer to my home also!)  I fell in love with the midwives and started studying hypnobirthing.

Then, at 36 weeks he flipped back to breach! 

I've tried acupuncture, Mayan abdominal massage, crawling around my house on all fours, off the couch inversions, icing my belly to encourage him to move his head away from the cold...  nothing has worked... so I'm now scheduled to have a C section at the new hospital (tomorrow morning.)  The warmth of the staff there radiates reassurance and my fears are a lot less than they were a couple of months ago.

So I am bidding farewell to this pregnancy which has been the most amazing experience.  As I've mentioned before I've had it easy.  My main gripes were food aversions and rib pain... then towards the end painful feet that led me to have to stop work at 36 weeks.  No longer was being on my feet without a break for 8 hours working out for me.  The scorching humidity has been tough but everyone around me is suffering... its' nothing that a day at the beach couldn't take care of (although I wasn't able to do this as much as I liked.)  The friendly movement inside my belly has now become a little tortuous albeit still reassuring.

I have learned that the reason it's hard for pregnant women to move, no matter the size of their bellies is because they have a human splint down their torso that makes it impossible to bend down, lean forward (or breakdance if they were so inclined.)  I have gained a little under 30lbs and can say it's mostly belly, butt and boobs.... but still, carrying extra weight is no joke!!  Particularly in 100 degree weather. 

I will miss my bump, the smiles and the kind words from strangers that I receive every time I leave the house.  I will miss the wonderment of watching my stomach contort into an ocean of movement... of feeling like my chair is being  hit from beneath when it's me who is being kicked from within.  I will miss the daydreams, of being able to take my little everywhere with me. 

I will not forget the enormous gratitude I have to the universe for finally making my dream of pregnancy come true... for ending the way I would feel after countless failures and trying to resign myself to giving up on being a Mother.  Of laying in my bed at night and wondering what it would feel like to build a life inside of me... I will not forget my years spent believing I was infertile.  I hope that my struggles help someone else reading this one distant day to keep on going... to choose being broke and happy over money in the bank, fun vacations but an empty feeling in your heart. 

I know that having children is not for everyone and I've spent long weeks envying my friends for whom the idea having a child is akin to their worst nightmare... I wished that my life felt as complete as theirs so clearly is without this weight upon them.  I still have so much respect for those people..as I do for anyone who knows what they want and lives it.

So tomorrow I will hold my little boy in my arms and the future will open up to us in brand new ways... my belly will deflate as my heart inflates... my story is over but it has also just begun.

36+4 weeks

3 more days until little makes it to full term! Cannot believe I'm here!

I gave up work just over a week ago, spending 8-11 hours solidly on my feeling was taking my feet into areas of pain I didn't think possible. Simply not enjoyable. Plus I'm limited on the time I can take off after the due date so I figured may as well enjoy some time getting things done before. It's nice not to hear the constant "it goes so fast/do you have a name / haven't you had that baby yet?" Comments too!

Am I ready? Yes, totally.  Bag is packed and little has multiple places to sleep. He will start off in a co sleeper and we will go from there. I've been loaned and gifted all he might need and then some. So glad that a lot of it can go back to the people who loaned it to me so my house escapes accumulation of at least some of the clutter.

It has been adventures in flipping for this kid. He spent the entire pregnancy breach until 32 weeks when he got head down and ready! Was so excited, changed hospitals and moved to a midwife/Dr hospital closer to my home. 35 weeks, perfect position again and then 35.3 days he flipped to breach again! I've been doing all manner of things to get him to move back... Spinning babies poses, Accupuncture, diet, sleeping on my right side, elevating my pelvis. I can't have a version due to my uterus shape but if anyone has any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them.

Had a weird ultrasound where the nurse asked if I had a name for my boy and I said "not yet" and she told me I need to hurry up as he's nearly here.... I told her his name was staying in my head until he is born and she actually got sh*tty with me, she told me that She has a thing with names, that i am never going to see her again so she doesn't see why I wouldn't tell her. Bear in mind I also had a family member there that doesn't know my name choices.  I just told her that I want my son to be the one to know his name first. Well, the ultrasound was awkward. She didn't show us baby's face or even try to, didn't get any pictures and was curt with me until the very end. I had to ask her about his size and fluid etc. let me tell you it made me so glad that I've changed hospitals. Nobody needs that attitude. I had a mind to complain but I don't have the energy.

So now I wait and keep fingers crossed he flips one last time, that my time spent doing hypnobabies is not in vain and that in a little under 4 weeks I get to meet my longed and fought for little man.

30 weeks aka 7.5 months

Here I am, closing in on the finish line. A maximum of 9 more weeks to go and then my little will finally arrive!

Baby boy is still breach and seemingly very comfortable in said position. I have monthly ultrasounds where he can be seen chewing his feet and hands. His bum is always squarely positioned on my bladder and as he gets bigger that has made coughing, sneezing and being more than five minutes from a restroom rather dangerous. His bladder kicks can take the air out of me!  He's still running big, in the 82nd percentile at last measurement and now I can feel exactly where his head is by feeling my belly. If I rub his legs and he happens to be awake I can usually encourage some movement out of him. Amazing! And I still feel pretty good albeit getting a bit more tired and achy in my feet after 8 hours of working on them.

What all of this means is that I'm highly likely to end up with a c section. I let go of my disappointment some time ago. I have the support to cope with the recovery. My mother will sleep in the spare room and help me to lift him to feed if I'm struggling for those early few days. We will be fine. So many people don't end up with the birth plan they hoped for and its almost easier to know you'll have a c section than to end up with one after hours or days of labor and then have to recover from both!

In renovation news I can say the house is done! I have about one more day of work for my carpenter friend but it's finishing stuff like putting up shelves, putting locks on doors, installing a screen door, smoke detector and draft excluder. My house looks beautiful - and ready! Littles clothes are washed and organized into stacks. Now I just have to put them into bins and label them! In two months I'll be sharing his arrival with you all and it still just seems so wonderful, exciting and surreal!

5.5 months

More than 5 months pregnant and a day away from 24 weeks and the magical viability date. I cannot believe I'm here! 

Pregnancy so far has been very kind to me. I had no sickness and the food aversions calmed down. I'm just left to being horrified by the idea of mussels which really hasn't proven to be a problem at all! As far as aches and pains go I've been wildly uncomfortable in a bra for months. My ribs are so sore. In spite of my 34E boobs I've managed to go braless most of the time. For work I make do with a tank top with built in shelf. My boobs are like rocks so they're not moving when I walk around... Haha. 

And baby boy... He's doing awesome, my placenta is at the rear so I've been feeling regular movement since 14 weeks. Now it's intense and my whole belly moves from his shenanigans. I have no idea if it's hands or feet, knees or elbows but he is busy in there!  I love it. It's so reassuring to feel him and to see the reverberations. I really really love being pregnant. Of course the anxiety is there but I focus on the positive and banish the worries. I just try to enjoy every moment of this once in a lifetime experience. I cannot wait to meet him but then again I'm also excited to see how my pregnancy progresses and feels as it goes on.

My uterus also seems to be doing a good job of expanding. I now feel movement on my right hand side which I hadn't expected so soon. It's measuring on target and my cervix is staying long as witnessed at my bi weekly appointments. 

So now we wait and see if I'm a candidate for vaginal birth or not. It will all depend on his position. Breach is common with this kind of uterus but if he gets in a good position then there's no reason I couldn't attempt a natural birth. I'll go into that more when I know more. 

I am still in a state of disbelief that ivf finally worked for me. I was so convinced I was never going to be a mother. Maybe that's why I've had a lack of panic moments. I never worry about how my life will change and the huge responsibility that's about to befall me. I have led a very fun, adventurous, travel filled existence and I have been bored with it for years. I just want to be a mother and when he's big enough I plan to show the world to him! Soon as he can get vaccines, we are off on new adventures. .. But first I have to get him here safely. 

I finally sign off happily! 

We're half way there!

What a milestone... Almost 20 weeks pregnant so officially half way there although unofficially I believe I will go early due to my small uterus and high chance of needing a c section. Not complaining!

So far pregnancy has treated me well. No morning sickness, just food aversions and obsessions. I subsisted on apples and Jarlsberg cheese for about 2 weeks, developed a love of yoghurt and a distaste for meat as well as a horror for the smell of fish cooking. The only fish I've managed to eat is canned tuna fish every couple weeks and my omega 3 pills.... I've been able to take it easy on days I work and that's meant that I've barely had any fatigue compared to others accounts of falling asleep at desks and such! It's definitely harder when I work til 2am but manageable. The 20 minute drive home is not fun. Still, all in all I think I've escaped lightly and pray this continues.

Had my anatomy ultrasound today. Drove through the freak April snow storm to see my little blob had turned into a thumb sucking tiny boy... So amazing. He's measuring 95th percentile for growth and that puts him 8 days ahead of his due date. At this stage I'm happy for him to be bigger. I hope he slows down as we go on though as I fear he may run out of space in my unicorn uterus. He's breach right now. Obviously it's way early for that to matter but my gut has told me that I'll end up with a c section. It makes me wonder if this is the comfiest spot for him to be in.

Been feeling him move since about 14.5 weeks although it took me a week and a half to be sure that's what it was. The feeling has changed from a tickle to a combination of thuds and tickles. I love them all! I can't even imagine how weird it will feel as he gets bigger.

Worked on my baby registry today too. It was on the way home and gave a break from driving in the snow. Also meant that the store was empty so could really test drive the stuff in peace! Gonna hit the yard sales and see what I can get second hand with some exceptions (car seat, stroller etc). It's all feeling very real and wonderfully exciting. Have mini moons planned to have some fun before I am too tired to have fun. Can't wait to bring him on adventures!

 I think it's finally sinking in that I'm actually having a baby.

Day 120, the soul arrives...

There is a belief that's common in a few eastern cultures that the human soul arrives on day 120 of gestation. Having done ivf and being very sure of the age of my child I can say confidently that today is his 120th day of existence.

Whilst none of these cultures can be claimed as my own I have a good friend who has been excited about this day since I told her my news some weeks ago! We have a lunch date planned as part of our celebration and I know that she was up at 4am doing some ritual that welcomed his tiny soul into the world. I know this because she sent me a text and a picture of the sun rising announcing the day.

I am enjoying this belief. I wonder about the soul and today feels like a good day for it to arrive. I feel like it's all becoming more real, planning a baby shower, feeling tiny tickles within me.

Last night when I was driving home at around 11.30pm I saw a shooting star ahead of me. I witnessed its beginning, its end and the trail it left. It was so bright! It seemed so close that I wondered how it had missed the earth. I thought to myself "he has arrived!" And last night I slept so well, so calmly and worried about nothing.

Welcome little boy.

12 weeks

I can't believe I'm getting to write this but I've actually made it to 12 weeks. The magical number where people start making Facebook announcements and telling everyone they meet...

Not quite there yet. In fact Facebook won't be getting any announcements until there's an actual, real life baby here.

So far so good. I'd consider myself lucky. No sickness but some queasyness that has been very easy to live with. The fatigue was manageable. I work nights so I can be lazy during the day and have a nap and use my energies at work. Even done ok with the 2am nights. I think my biggest pregnancy symptom has been food aversion. subsisted on bread, cakes, cheese and apples for a few weeks there!  Seems to have passed now thankfully. My mother has been wonderful juicing for us and preparing meals which I may or may not turn down. Still living with her as my house is not finished being renovated. (6 months now but it has to be finished in 10 days!)

Have had trouble finding an obgyn. The first one i went to was so scatty and unorganized. She had me get undressed for a pap, dressed again for an ultrasound but then remembered that I was too early for an abdominal ultrasound so had me get undressed again for an internal. Got in there then saw I had a full bladder (I'd been with her 2 hours at this point) and made me go to the bathroom naked w a sheet wrapped around me. Finally saw baby! She had never heard of what I have and was very dismissive and didn't offer me any extra care which my RE said I would need. All in all I felt very uncomfortable leaving my unborn child in her care. Meeting two new ones at the end of the month. Hopefully I will like the lady at the new clinic as its so much cleaner and has parking which is key!

I'm so happy but still flat about being pregnant. Trying to enjoy my pregnancy and not indulge the constant fear that my malformed uterus is going to spit this child out before it's cooked. Belly has started to pop which I'm happy for. Nobody can see it yet but I've had to change my wardrobe for work to flowier options. Want to wait til end of month before making the announcement there. Enjoying my lovely secret just a little longer.

7 weeks and a heartbeat!

Sorry for the delay in a post... It's not that I didn't think about it or want to do it, more that I was letting the world play out without having another blog post about my bitter disappointment.

So luckily, this is actually about my cautious joy at being currently 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant and being witness to the tiny little snowflakes beating heart not once, but twice!

It hasn't been totally smooth of course. I peed on a stick 5 days after transfer and got my faint, squinter of a positive. As I freaked myself out that the lines weren't getting darker quick enough I finally pulled my beta forward a day as patience was not on my side! A nice beta of 115 if I recall correctly. Second beta followed and was 465.

I had a small bleed on Christmas Day which I was very calm about but a few days later, out to dinner with a friend and I had a big bleed! I thought it was all over. I was sure I'd lost a pregnancy again but an ultrasound the next day at 5 wk 4 days showed a strong heartbeat instead of the empty uterus I'd imagined. Probably the most amazing and unexpected thing I've ever seen in my life.

Since then all has been well. I've not had a single "oh shit!" Moment. I've spent so long getting here that I just don't have time for second thoughts. This little kid needs to get here in one healthy piece to recieve so much love. I can't believe it's happening. I'm so excited to get a belly. Now my biggest challenge is to stay grounded and make this next 5 weeks go fast. I think I'll really relax after I hit the magic 12 week mark.

Oh and so far my symptoms are manageable. Mild nausea and boobs that done feel like they belong on this body!

Signs and sh*t

I am les than a week away from my FET - a PGD tested normal embryo with an over 50% chance of success. I guess I should be feeling excited, maybe confident but I just feel paralyzed by fear of failure. I know it's not healthy, that disappointment is my middle name and I should entirely be used to the process by now but I guess that I'm not. 

I have been in pain for the past few weeks. My stomach contracting in the area where my Uterus is and also Ive been plagued by the worse reflux I have ever experienced. I went to the Dr and the pills for GERD helped a little but not entirely.  I then went to my uterus massage lady who spent an hour on my abdomen. Turns out that my IBS (triggered by stress, break up and FET no doubt) had caused an inflammation in part of my colon and my uterus was stuck on it. By the end of the hour my pain had gone and 3 days later my reflux has almost vanished! My uterus no longer hurts and I can feel that everything is moving as it should. I'm so glad I found her and that I feel my body is at last ready to accept my little embryo. 

So anyways, I've been thinking about all the signs that have happened since my ttc journey began. My 3rd iui would have led to a baby born perfectly by the end of the year, it also occurred right as I watched my friend lose his fight to cancer. I felt sure that his loss entitled me to a child to fill the sad space he left in my life. I was ovulating from the correct side. 3 follicles. His name on billboards (a car dealership bears his name) visible from the hospital window as my iui took place. It didn't work. 

Transfers that would have led to good news on birthdays, Christmas and other holidays always failed. A song on the radio on my way back from a FET singing about babies and miracles would feel like a sign. License plates reading baby1!  And finally pregnant I went to see the heartbeat on the anniversary of my friends passing convinced that the universe couldn't deal me two blows on the same date. That this was finally a good sign. Alas. There was no heartbeat. Two lost heartbeats on the same day. How cruel fate is. 

And now. Another transfer... Want to know the signs? If I POAS on what would have been the due date of my miscarried child I will know whether I'm pregnant or not. And if it takes? My child will share its due date with my estranged sister. 

I know now that signs mean nothing at all and that my child will be mine when it's ready to get here. Signs don't mean shit and the world is a cruel place. All I can do is keep on wishing for my corner of happiness. 

Upcoming FET and a ghost story.

I have whiled away the past 3 months waiting for my body to recover from the ivf drugs and preparing myself for my FET. I don't know what that really means but the magical 3 periods have passed and I'm back on the estrogen by mouth and by patch.

Pretty stressful few months all in all. I've been living with friends and family while I wait for my house to be renovated. It's going to be so beautiful but it's been tough to be in other people's space - since May! Will be so happy when it's done.

I also got broken up with -via text 3 weeks ago. Then he ghosted me. It's really thrown me as we really did get along and I'd spent so much time around his kids and in his home. We certainly had problems but conversation would have been great. I know I'm better off out of it but I considered him a good friend and am now left with a slew of unanswered questions and new insecurities to process. Can I just say "asshole?"

I did read this article and it made me feel better and not so stupid.

http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/advice/and-then-i-never-heard-from-him-again-the-awful-rise-of-ghosting/

Of course on the day he sort of dumped me via text I also lost a woman who had been very dear to me in my childhood. Double whammy. It never rains.

So in order to end on a positive note I have a wonderful home that will be ready by the time I get the results of the FET. I no longer have to worry about what role, if any a man would play in my life because the man is out of it. My intention was to do it on my own and I was not comfortable having someone there from the start that I wasn't committed to. I've got an amazing adventure planned for the new year in the event that my FET fails. I'm thinking of starting my own little business. Pondering foster to adopt again and doing everything I can to chase happiness no matter what.

The Results are in....

So my most recent round of ivf is now behind me... 9 eggs, 5 embryos and 4 that went off for PGD testing which included the one embryo I had from the previous round... It was a long three week wait where I braced for bad news... But it wasn't all bad.  I have one normal embryo in there...  Good one that's ready to hatch!! It also came from the most recent round of ivf which is nice to know. At least that wasn't all for nothing.

So now I plan on taking a nice break to get the ivf yuck out of my body and have the optimum chance of success.  Have decided to let AF Visit 3 times and then go ahead with a FET.
Hopefully it will stick and then at the time I would have been giving birth to the child I miscarried I will fingers crossed be finding out that I have a new, healthier little bun growing in my oven.  After all this time I guess hope can still spring eternal.

In other parts of life the man continues to be in my world.  I know he had a hard time with me doing another round of ivf.  I won't talk about his future role because that means I have to acknowledge that it might work which just feels like bad luck to me at this point...plus he has his stuff. We have a long way to go but I hold out hope that things will be clearer for us all at the end of the year.

Back on the IVF train

Here we go again! Injections started today. Doing PGS this time so if there's nothing viable I don't have to put myself through multiple FETs or another miscarriage. This time it really is my last attempt. I needed 3 tries with ivf to give myself peace in knowing I tried my best but honestly these meds are scary. I don't even eat ketchup that's not organic so injecting myself with copious volumes of  hormones is insane to me. Of course if I get a good end result it will all be worth it. 

Of course my preferred donor had sold out. I'd saved favorites and they'd almost all sold out this past year too. I amazed myself by how little time I took to choose a new one. I actually did it during the phone call to the cryobank. To think what a process it was the first time around and now I'm just so 'whatever' about it. 

Please wish me luck. I feel I need more online support this time around as I'm really not telling anyone on the outside. This journey has taken to long, cost too much but I'm will be worth it in the end right? Right.  

Summer update.

It has once again been too long but I think I just needed a break from thinking about and reliving the miscarriage. I'm sure you all guessed that is what had happened anyway. I went back for a scan and sure enough there had been no progress.  I went for my DNC a couple of days later. I had the sample sent off for analysis and it was discovered that it had two trisomy abnormalities. The most common ones. The ones that have nothing to do with age. I think that's good news.

I have only one embryo left and I don't want to do a Fet with just that so I've been taking time off. I've only had one period since the miscarriage and I'd like to have two before I think about another round of ivf. I change my mind on a daily basis as to whether or not I want to do another round of IVF.

Im also in the midst of selling and buying a house which is like a part time job itself. As a result of selling my house I have to pay off my last fertility loan in order to qualify for a new mortgage.   This means I could very easily qualify for another fertility loan.  I think we all know how this story is going to end. For now though I'm plodding along and trying to enjoy the summer that never really feels like it's going to start. Not the usual balmy nights I've become used to.

I'm still dating the Tinder man. We still take it easy but it suits us both. The drama in his life is lessening somewhat but he remains very busy. Even though I sometimes think I need a little more I think in reality he's just what I need. If I do another round of ivf it'll be consuming and the ability to step back for a week or two if I need space will be good. I'm winning with the balancing act so far.

I've also pretty much decided to do a home study and get the adoption ball rolling. I am going to start a gofundme. Have any of you ever done this? I've spent all my money on fertility treatments so I thought asking for some help wouldn't be too cheeky? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Hope all a well out there in SMC land. I'll try to check in again soon.

Too good to be true.

*Warning, possible miscarriage mentioned*

So folks, it doesn't look like this story has a happy ending.  Yesterday at 7 weeks and 1 day I went for my first ultrasound.  I knew that something wasn't right as the technician wasn't excitedly turning the screen around to show me the heartbeat.  She asked me how far along I thought I was and then told me that what she saw was perfect for 5 weeks and 6 days.  8 days behind where I actually am.

I knew where this was going.  Gestational sac and yolk sac but no fetal pole.  No heartbeat. I've seen this happen to too many women to hold hope out for a good prognosis.

My RE says that we will give it another week.  That sometimes crazy things can happen with FET's but that it's not good.  He says to be pessimistically optimistic.  The executioners ultra-sound is on Wednesday.  I've already opted for a D & C.  I don't want to suffer through weeks of bleeding and uncertainty.

I'm naturally devastated.  I'll never have a BFP again, it'll always be a BF Maybe.  I can't even afford to do this anymore so this was more than likely it... my final shot.  Unless some miracle study appears that enables me ride this roller coaster again for free.  

As expected the new guy is being a sweetheart.  He holds out the hope that I can't.  He's just as disappointed as I am.  For now I'm hibernating and waiting out the next few days and trying to ignore the cramps that are already starting to change in their nature.      

2nd beta

Just a quick update... my second beta came back at a strong 684 which I am very happy with.  My RE said he would have been happy with anything in the 300-400 range but I think he was just being nice! 

Still pretty symptom free.  Don't love food as much as normal but don't feel sick at all yet.  My boobs hurt a couple days ago but now they don't... just a little sore but nothing I wouldn't feel during my period.  Mild stomach cramps.  

I'm hoping that it continues to be this easy although it's a little harrowing to feel nothing in particular.  My mind goes to town thinking that it's not sticking.  I have a 2 wk and 2 day wait now til my first ultrasound to determine due date and heart beat.  The waiting never stops... ah well.

I told the guy I'm dating that I'm pregnant. (And that it's not his!)  Even though he was aware of my journey I hadn't told him that I'd had the transfer... I was waiting for the result.  I was so nervous but I found a very opportune way of telling him before things got physical.  It was kind of dark in the room and all I could see was his giant smile!  He was very happy for me... said that he thinks he is going to be just fine with it all.  I assured him that when it's time to announce it that I'll make sure he doesn't get the blame!  We laughed that it's the fastest anyone he's dated has ever gotten pregnant... Things are good.  

So weird... I thought that doing this on my own would mean that I would forgo sharing news of my pregnancy with a partner and celebrating together. However,  I got the moment, albeit it was a little skewed.  Most importantly his reaction is a bonus.  I was *and still am* prepared for him to flee.  Nothing can shake the extreme happiness I feel now that I finally have a little being growing it's way into my life.