It didn't work.

It didn't work.  Again.

I don't have anything positive or good to say right now so I'm just going to hibernate until I find a corner of myself to gather the strength from to continue. 

Another FET in a couple of months.  I don't hold any hope of it working.  Just going through the motions.

Retrieval and transfer

Here I sit writing this with 2 little embryo's inside me, percolating, attaching or dying... who knows?  They're the most perfectly round little blobs.  2 little worlds, one of whom (at least) that I hope will enter my world.  

This wait is different from the others.  I'm vowing to be positive and believe that this process can and will work.  On the other hand I'm feeling so scared that it won't work because it didn't before.  I know all of this is totally normal but it's so tormenting.  

One thing is for sure and that is "I'm so ready for this!".  Gone are 100% of the fears that I had going into it:  The worries about diminished social life, sleepless nights, being overwhelmed by responsibility... finances.... men even!!  Just bring it on because I'm going to be just fine.  We are going to be just fine.

The whole stimulation process was very different from the last time... more uncomfortable, more bloated.  Retrieval was more painful, there were more eggs!!  Lots of more.  15 eggs.  10 went on to fertilize.  5 made it to blasts with another 2 or 3 they think might have become blasts on day 6.  (Will find out later this week.)  That's 7/10 which I think is pretty impressive!  

Luckily all 5 were Grade A (one slightly more magnificent than the other 4) so the decision of which 2 to put in was obvious.  

The lovely RE who performed the transfer was reassuring, she was a little concerned about transferring two such beauties into my unicornuate uterus but I insisted that it was the right decision as I don't appear to have the best quality embies (none of them having stuck last time.)  She agreed particularly after she saw my uterus and claimed it to be of a very good size for its affliction.  She claimed that by looking at it you'd never be able to tell that it wasn't a whole uterus.  Apparently she can often times see that it's smaller on the ultrasound although diagnosis this way is impossible.  That was so reassuring to me I can't even put it into words.  

So now it's the waiting game... and the hoping game and the noticing every twitch your body makes game.  8 days to go.  Stick baby stick!

I'm breaking up with you....

Yesterday I got a call from the clinic asking me when my vials were arriving for my upcoming retrieval.   When I informed them that they should already have a vial of my donor in house as I sent 2 over to them for the last treatment there was a nervous silence followed by an "I'll get back to you."

Turns out that their protocol is to thaw 2 vials of ICI no matter whether they need them both or not.  They put the sperm through 2 washings for IVF and this kills a lot of them.  I still find it hard to believe that with an average count of 23 million they'd need to thaw a second vial.  

The worst part of this all was that I wasn't informed that this had happened until  yesterday - day 4 of stims.  

My donor was out of all product except ART vials which they don't want at the clinic.  I also had had a feeling that it might be time to change donors but when the reality set in that I would actually have to select a new one I just wanted to throw up.  How on earth would I manage this in just 48 hours??!!

The clinic were apologetic for their oversight in not informing me I was out of vials.  They say that they will change their protocol for people using donor sperm and verbally inform them of their 2 vial protocol up front. 

I called the Sperm bank and explained my dilemma and they were amazing.  They gave me 3 days free full access so that I could make a selection.

With sweaty palms and a slight sense of mourning I said goodbye to my original donor.  It was the easiest break up I've ever had... :)  

3 hours later, after having put 8 potential matches in my favorite folder I found him!  I knew it the minute I read that he had a family already and then saw his picture.  I even listened to his entire interview (something I'd never been interested to do before.) I like him so much more than my original choice even.  

So what started off as a very stressful day ended up happily with my new and hopefully improved potential donor daddy winging his way to my clinic.  

If only finding a boyfriend was this easy!!    

Here we go again...

I'm officially back on the IVF train. For some reason I'm finding it so much more stressful than last time.  This must be because last time I was sure that IVF would work for me... this time - not so much.  

Insomnia hit me hard on Friday night knowing that I would be back to injecting my belly the next day.  I had dreams about Q-caps and actually had to watch a video on mixing menopur and follistim on you tube to shut my brain up.  It didn't work.  So. Much. Anxiety.

This is all a surprise to me as I'm not a person that suffers from anxiety.  I guess it's all just caught up with me finally.  

There's not much to tell.  I got through the shot seamlessly although I did leave a bruise so I need to work on my skills as last time I didn't bruise til the last few shots. 

In other areas of life things are good.  I'm day dreaming of a move and starting my own business.  This plan could happen whether baby comes or not. 

I'm sick of working for other people and whilst the workload of opening my own business has scared me off up until now, I'm finally ready to take it on. I'm good at what I do and I know after years of working in the service industry that I could be successful.  But not here.  Where I live now is prohibitive to my budget.  Plus I am beginning to loathe winter.  I need a place in the sun.

Whether it happens or not it's a nice B plan to think about.  A dream that proves that my life is not over if this 2nd round of IVF doesn't work.   

Update

I've been quiet.  Very quiet.  But it is time to update and get back to blog life a little bit.  

Here's what's been happening:

My first FET didn't take.  I was disappointed but felt confident as I still had two embryo's left.  I requested to transfer them on my natural cycle as this was the only thing that I hadn't tried yet.  It was a last ditch attempt as I was out of money.  Sadly this too didn't take.  

During this time I took a break from blogging and the forum, finding neither of the outlets particularly supportive or useful.  I felt that every time I posted in the IVF thread there was always someone with a 'louder voice' that posted constantly and drowned out the voices of those of us who quietly plod along and just need some affirmation once in a while (as opposed to hourly!)  Blogging feels like it falls into an abyss also so I took comfort elsewhere.  

But now I'm back.  I have miraculously found someone willing to sponsor my next IVF attempt.  My Dr feels that it's worth another try with my own eggs.  I'm sticking with my donor as he had a good fertilization report and just praying in a non religious way that this time it works out.

I look back on how I felt in the thinking stage and how I thought my biggest problem would be how to explain my growing body to people in and around my workplace.  How worrying about others opinions or explaining my childs conception story to them was forefront in my mind.  Now, 8 failed attempts later I'd love to have those problems.  My priorities have shifted from those worries to the worry of never becoming a Mother.  What will I do if this doesn't work?  I am a B planner but I am currently not willing to put any of the wheels of my B plans into motion.  

I want to believe in my body, believe that in spite of it's deformed uterus and old eggs that it can still do it. Here's to hoping for that miracle.   

  
 

Awaiting my FET

I've managed to enjoy the last couple of weeks in a genuine fashion.  

When the nurse asked me about trying this cycle I hesitated and then confessed it was because I just wanted to be able to enjoy one week where I could have a couple of glasses of wine and act like a normal woman enjoying the Summer!  She told me that I could go ahead and indulge... that the embryo's were safe and that so long as I stopped drinking when I started progesterone I'd be just fine!

So, whilst alcohol isn't the be all and end all to having a good time and I certainly don't drink very much it was nice to be able to go out and socialize without having to make up excuses as to why I wouldn't have a glass of wine.  Admittedly, it takes me an hour + to drink one glass so I'm no bartenders dream client anyways!  

What have I done with my week of freedom?  I've seen live music, been to the beach, dipped in the ocean at 3am, had a house filled with lovely guests and gone to bed waaaay too late and enjoyed every second.   Still telling nobody that I'm popping estrogen pills and wearing a patch on my abdomen in preparation for my FET later next month.   It's incredible how much better I feel with nobody knowing.  The pressure is off in a way I can't quite explain.  

I've even asked friends not to talk to me about it whilst I'm taking a break (other than fellow SMC's with whom I'm happy to talk!)

So next week I go for my blood work and ultrasound to ensure that I haven't ovulated (I still can't wrap my head around why they don't just follow the natural cycle of the body but I guess they're the experts!)  Then it's back on the Crinone and transfer a few days later.  

And then, once again, I wait.  

First IVF fail.

So there it is.  My first try with IVF was a no go.  

Progesterone is a cruel bitch. Impossibly sore breasts, cramps and fatigue.  I told myself the whole time it was just the progesterone but I had this little bit of hope behind it which was dashed 6 days post transfer when I awoke with no symptoms.  I just knew then it had failed.  

Not being a tester I found myself unable to wait it out and bought an FRER.  Obviously negative.  If I'd have waited for the nurse to call the next day with the Beta results I'd have been on my way to work.   I needed time to digest on my own.

I slept for 3 days and worked in the gaps where I was awake.  By the 4th day I had a friend in town and made plans to cheer myself up.  I did not cry. 

An IVF fail was so much worse for me than an IUI fail.  Not least because I've sunk so much financially into it but more because it feels like the end of the line.  

I have taken comfort in the fact that so many people go on to have success with FETs (and I have 3 embryo's in the freezer!)  At $3250 a try that's no joke either.  Once these 3 are used up that may be all I can do and that terrifies me.  

I had my follow up appointment with my RE (is that what you call the IVF Dr?)  and he said that he sees no reason why this wouldn't work for me.  I respond well to everything and my endometrial lining is good.  He said that he believes one of those frozen embies has a very good chance of becoming a baby.  

It's just getting hard to become hopeful you know?

I considered taking a break for a month so I could enjoy the Summer but my Mother convinced me... "You're in it now so you may as well keep going".  So here I am.  I've told everyone I'm taking a break to get the meds out of my system.  EVERYONE!  Except my Mother and a real life SMC friend.  And anyone reading this blog.  It'll be nice to do it without friends asking me about it.  I've not felt like this before now, however lately I've felt people's sympathy more than their hope that it'll work next time.  Like me, they all thought IVF would be my magical solution.  

So onwards I go to a private attempt at FET!  Estrace started and a patch is on my belly complete with a piece of cat hair I just found stuck to it.  Lovely!  

Will enjoy some wine this weekend as the nurse told me I can't do any harm and my transfer isn't til 2nd week of August.  The waiting game has begun.