Update

I've been quiet.  Very quiet.  But it is time to update and get back to blog life a little bit.  

Here's what's been happening:

My first FET didn't take.  I was disappointed but felt confident as I still had two embryo's left.  I requested to transfer them on my natural cycle as this was the only thing that I hadn't tried yet.  It was a last ditch attempt as I was out of money.  Sadly this too didn't take.  

During this time I took a break from blogging and the forum, finding neither of the outlets particularly supportive or useful.  I felt that every time I posted in the IVF thread there was always someone with a 'louder voice' that posted constantly and drowned out the voices of those of us who quietly plod along and just need some affirmation once in a while (as opposed to hourly!)  Blogging feels like it falls into an abyss also so I took comfort elsewhere.  

But now I'm back.  I have miraculously found someone willing to sponsor my next IVF attempt.  My Dr feels that it's worth another try with my own eggs.  I'm sticking with my donor as he had a good fertilization report and just praying in a non religious way that this time it works out.

I look back on how I felt in the thinking stage and how I thought my biggest problem would be how to explain my growing body to people in and around my workplace.  How worrying about others opinions or explaining my childs conception story to them was forefront in my mind.  Now, 8 failed attempts later I'd love to have those problems.  My priorities have shifted from those worries to the worry of never becoming a Mother.  What will I do if this doesn't work?  I am a B planner but I am currently not willing to put any of the wheels of my B plans into motion.  

I want to believe in my body, believe that in spite of it's deformed uterus and old eggs that it can still do it. Here's to hoping for that miracle.