I"M PREGNANT!!!!!

True story.

I underwent my final FET on 30th March.  I persuaded my RE to put 3 of those pesky blasts inside me and I named them Hewie Dewie and Louis.  (even though I've always assumed I'd have a girl.)  Louis(e) looked fit to explode... was hatching as s/he went in.  

I was sick at the time of transfer but no fever... spent 11 days coughing my guts up but instead of visualizing the embryo's being forced out I visualized at least one of them being hugged in tighter by my body's violent convulsions.  

I spent the first 8 of my 10 day wait trying to get better and not thinking about my presumed NTT.  In fact I'd been planning my next vacation and a change of lifestyle for when this failed again.  I'd loaded flight apps onto my phone, asked friends to join me on vacation and was B planning my heart out. 

On day 8 I figured it was time to go to the Dr as I was afraid that I had a chest infection.  I figured I'd might as well test to get my disappointment over with.  I sat on the toilet intermittently checking the FRER doing nothing.  3 mins later I'd decided to give up and throw it away but when I took it into the bright kitchen I saw a faint line!!!!  It got a little darker and I called my SMC friend to ask her if I was going crazy and took a pic of it for her.  Suffice to say she confirmed my diagnosis of 'pregnant!'  

I tested 2 more times over the next 24 hours and by the 3rd time the line was showing instantly.  Def pregnant.

Beta today came back at 142!  Next Beta is on Monday.  

I can't believe this is happening.  I'm so happy.  I know there's a lot of milestones to overcome and that my unicorn uterus is just one of them.  For now though I'm wallowing in my first ever BFP!

And no, I haven't told the new guy yet.  I will tell him after my 2nd beta.  If he's going to run, I'd prefer he does it now.  

And the one thing I did differently that I actually felt made a difference is I went to a PT who specializes in Uterus anomalies and had a Uterus massage.  She gave me exercises to do before my transfer.  It was very strange but it made my uterus feel charged and present.  I'm going to continue to go to her as it's good in encouraging your uterus to stretch for the growing life inside.

Will update with my next beta... thanks for staying tuned.  

Silence Broken

I'm back!  Ish.  I guess I just needed a sanity break... my bank accounts were empty (still are!)... my body felt like it belonged to someone else and my brain just didn't want to focus on my lack of fertility for a while.  

The last round of IVF took me for a ride physically.  I was in pain for 5 weeks... pain that I could live with but pain that made a BFN the harder to bear.  I still have 4 embryo's in the freezer so there's that.

As far as the TTC journey goes - I had a biopsy of my Uterus taken and sent to some clinic in Spain where it was analyzed.  It came back as receptive.  I'm told that this is good news and that it just means that it's only a matter of time before I get a positive result.

I also turned 40 and on my birthday got a call from my RE to tell me that he thinks I qualify for the Afolia study.  This means that a round of IVF will cost as much as a FET would usually cost.  Even though I said "NEVER AGAIN!" this may be too hard an offer to pass up.  

New Dilemma:  I may have to use a different donor as it says on the website that the current one (with whom I still have 4 embryo's) is out of stock.  I've yet to call but the notion that I may end up with embryo's from different donors is sitting uncomfortably in my mind.  I will look into this further when my eligibility for the trial is confirmed later this week.

In other, other news I seem to have met someone awesome.  Totally out of the blue and unexpectedly... it's super early and he could still freak out as he's got some big drama's going on in his world (custody battles etc.)  Has so much potential though.  It's the first time I've been with someone in years and thought seriously that it could go somewhere.  I'm still protecting my heart, taking it sloooooooooooooooooow and being as honest and real as I can with him.  Too old for messing about.  He also knows that I'm forging ahead on this TTC path and he's so far so cool with it.  I figure he's got young children so what difference to throw one more into the mix?  Right?  Exactly.



 

It didn't work.

It didn't work.  Again.

I don't have anything positive or good to say right now so I'm just going to hibernate until I find a corner of myself to gather the strength from to continue. 

Another FET in a couple of months.  I don't hold any hope of it working.  Just going through the motions.

Retrieval and transfer

Here I sit writing this with 2 little embryo's inside me, percolating, attaching or dying... who knows?  They're the most perfectly round little blobs.  2 little worlds, one of whom (at least) that I hope will enter my world.  

This wait is different from the others.  I'm vowing to be positive and believe that this process can and will work.  On the other hand I'm feeling so scared that it won't work because it didn't before.  I know all of this is totally normal but it's so tormenting.  

One thing is for sure and that is "I'm so ready for this!".  Gone are 100% of the fears that I had going into it:  The worries about diminished social life, sleepless nights, being overwhelmed by responsibility... finances.... men even!!  Just bring it on because I'm going to be just fine.  We are going to be just fine.

The whole stimulation process was very different from the last time... more uncomfortable, more bloated.  Retrieval was more painful, there were more eggs!!  Lots of more.  15 eggs.  10 went on to fertilize.  5 made it to blasts with another 2 or 3 they think might have become blasts on day 6.  (Will find out later this week.)  That's 7/10 which I think is pretty impressive!  

Luckily all 5 were Grade A (one slightly more magnificent than the other 4) so the decision of which 2 to put in was obvious.  

The lovely RE who performed the transfer was reassuring, she was a little concerned about transferring two such beauties into my unicornuate uterus but I insisted that it was the right decision as I don't appear to have the best quality embies (none of them having stuck last time.)  She agreed particularly after she saw my uterus and claimed it to be of a very good size for its affliction.  She claimed that by looking at it you'd never be able to tell that it wasn't a whole uterus.  Apparently she can often times see that it's smaller on the ultrasound although diagnosis this way is impossible.  That was so reassuring to me I can't even put it into words.  

So now it's the waiting game... and the hoping game and the noticing every twitch your body makes game.  8 days to go.  Stick baby stick!

I'm breaking up with you....

Yesterday I got a call from the clinic asking me when my vials were arriving for my upcoming retrieval.   When I informed them that they should already have a vial of my donor in house as I sent 2 over to them for the last treatment there was a nervous silence followed by an "I'll get back to you."

Turns out that their protocol is to thaw 2 vials of ICI no matter whether they need them both or not.  They put the sperm through 2 washings for IVF and this kills a lot of them.  I still find it hard to believe that with an average count of 23 million they'd need to thaw a second vial.  

The worst part of this all was that I wasn't informed that this had happened until  yesterday - day 4 of stims.  

My donor was out of all product except ART vials which they don't want at the clinic.  I also had had a feeling that it might be time to change donors but when the reality set in that I would actually have to select a new one I just wanted to throw up.  How on earth would I manage this in just 48 hours??!!

The clinic were apologetic for their oversight in not informing me I was out of vials.  They say that they will change their protocol for people using donor sperm and verbally inform them of their 2 vial protocol up front. 

I called the Sperm bank and explained my dilemma and they were amazing.  They gave me 3 days free full access so that I could make a selection.

With sweaty palms and a slight sense of mourning I said goodbye to my original donor.  It was the easiest break up I've ever had... :)  

3 hours later, after having put 8 potential matches in my favorite folder I found him!  I knew it the minute I read that he had a family already and then saw his picture.  I even listened to his entire interview (something I'd never been interested to do before.) I like him so much more than my original choice even.  

So what started off as a very stressful day ended up happily with my new and hopefully improved potential donor daddy winging his way to my clinic.  

If only finding a boyfriend was this easy!!    

Here we go again...

I'm officially back on the IVF train. For some reason I'm finding it so much more stressful than last time.  This must be because last time I was sure that IVF would work for me... this time - not so much.  

Insomnia hit me hard on Friday night knowing that I would be back to injecting my belly the next day.  I had dreams about Q-caps and actually had to watch a video on mixing menopur and follistim on you tube to shut my brain up.  It didn't work.  So. Much. Anxiety.

This is all a surprise to me as I'm not a person that suffers from anxiety.  I guess it's all just caught up with me finally.  

There's not much to tell.  I got through the shot seamlessly although I did leave a bruise so I need to work on my skills as last time I didn't bruise til the last few shots. 

In other areas of life things are good.  I'm day dreaming of a move and starting my own business.  This plan could happen whether baby comes or not. 

I'm sick of working for other people and whilst the workload of opening my own business has scared me off up until now, I'm finally ready to take it on. I'm good at what I do and I know after years of working in the service industry that I could be successful.  But not here.  Where I live now is prohibitive to my budget.  Plus I am beginning to loathe winter.  I need a place in the sun.

Whether it happens or not it's a nice B plan to think about.  A dream that proves that my life is not over if this 2nd round of IVF doesn't work.   

Update

I've been quiet.  Very quiet.  But it is time to update and get back to blog life a little bit.  

Here's what's been happening:

My first FET didn't take.  I was disappointed but felt confident as I still had two embryo's left.  I requested to transfer them on my natural cycle as this was the only thing that I hadn't tried yet.  It was a last ditch attempt as I was out of money.  Sadly this too didn't take.  

During this time I took a break from blogging and the forum, finding neither of the outlets particularly supportive or useful.  I felt that every time I posted in the IVF thread there was always someone with a 'louder voice' that posted constantly and drowned out the voices of those of us who quietly plod along and just need some affirmation once in a while (as opposed to hourly!)  Blogging feels like it falls into an abyss also so I took comfort elsewhere.  

But now I'm back.  I have miraculously found someone willing to sponsor my next IVF attempt.  My Dr feels that it's worth another try with my own eggs.  I'm sticking with my donor as he had a good fertilization report and just praying in a non religious way that this time it works out.

I look back on how I felt in the thinking stage and how I thought my biggest problem would be how to explain my growing body to people in and around my workplace.  How worrying about others opinions or explaining my childs conception story to them was forefront in my mind.  Now, 8 failed attempts later I'd love to have those problems.  My priorities have shifted from those worries to the worry of never becoming a Mother.  What will I do if this doesn't work?  I am a B planner but I am currently not willing to put any of the wheels of my B plans into motion.  

I want to believe in my body, believe that in spite of it's deformed uterus and old eggs that it can still do it. Here's to hoping for that miracle.