30 weeks aka 7.5 months

Here I am, closing in on the finish line. A maximum of 9 more weeks to go and then my little will finally arrive!

Baby boy is still breach and seemingly very comfortable in said position. I have monthly ultrasounds where he can be seen chewing his feet and hands. His bum is always squarely positioned on my bladder and as he gets bigger that has made coughing, sneezing and being more than five minutes from a restroom rather dangerous. His bladder kicks can take the air out of me!  He's still running big, in the 82nd percentile at last measurement and now I can feel exactly where his head is by feeling my belly. If I rub his legs and he happens to be awake I can usually encourage some movement out of him. Amazing! And I still feel pretty good albeit getting a bit more tired and achy in my feet after 8 hours of working on them.

What all of this means is that I'm highly likely to end up with a c section. I let go of my disappointment some time ago. I have the support to cope with the recovery. My mother will sleep in the spare room and help me to lift him to feed if I'm struggling for those early few days. We will be fine. So many people don't end up with the birth plan they hoped for and its almost easier to know you'll have a c section than to end up with one after hours or days of labor and then have to recover from both!

In renovation news I can say the house is done! I have about one more day of work for my carpenter friend but it's finishing stuff like putting up shelves, putting locks on doors, installing a screen door, smoke detector and draft excluder. My house looks beautiful - and ready! Littles clothes are washed and organized into stacks. Now I just have to put them into bins and label them! In two months I'll be sharing his arrival with you all and it still just seems so wonderful, exciting and surreal!

5.5 months

More than 5 months pregnant and a day away from 24 weeks and the magical viability date. I cannot believe I'm here! 

Pregnancy so far has been very kind to me. I had no sickness and the food aversions calmed down. I'm just left to being horrified by the idea of mussels which really hasn't proven to be a problem at all! As far as aches and pains go I've been wildly uncomfortable in a bra for months. My ribs are so sore. In spite of my 34E boobs I've managed to go braless most of the time. For work I make do with a tank top with built in shelf. My boobs are like rocks so they're not moving when I walk around... Haha. 

And baby boy... He's doing awesome, my placenta is at the rear so I've been feeling regular movement since 14 weeks. Now it's intense and my whole belly moves from his shenanigans. I have no idea if it's hands or feet, knees or elbows but he is busy in there!  I love it. It's so reassuring to feel him and to see the reverberations. I really really love being pregnant. Of course the anxiety is there but I focus on the positive and banish the worries. I just try to enjoy every moment of this once in a lifetime experience. I cannot wait to meet him but then again I'm also excited to see how my pregnancy progresses and feels as it goes on.

My uterus also seems to be doing a good job of expanding. I now feel movement on my right hand side which I hadn't expected so soon. It's measuring on target and my cervix is staying long as witnessed at my bi weekly appointments. 

So now we wait and see if I'm a candidate for vaginal birth or not. It will all depend on his position. Breach is common with this kind of uterus but if he gets in a good position then there's no reason I couldn't attempt a natural birth. I'll go into that more when I know more. 

I am still in a state of disbelief that ivf finally worked for me. I was so convinced I was never going to be a mother. Maybe that's why I've had a lack of panic moments. I never worry about how my life will change and the huge responsibility that's about to befall me. I have led a very fun, adventurous, travel filled existence and I have been bored with it for years. I just want to be a mother and when he's big enough I plan to show the world to him! Soon as he can get vaccines, we are off on new adventures. .. But first I have to get him here safely. 

I finally sign off happily! 

We're half way there!

What a milestone... Almost 20 weeks pregnant so officially half way there although unofficially I believe I will go early due to my small uterus and high chance of needing a c section. Not complaining!

So far pregnancy has treated me well. No morning sickness, just food aversions and obsessions. I subsisted on apples and Jarlsberg cheese for about 2 weeks, developed a love of yoghurt and a distaste for meat as well as a horror for the smell of fish cooking. The only fish I've managed to eat is canned tuna fish every couple weeks and my omega 3 pills.... I've been able to take it easy on days I work and that's meant that I've barely had any fatigue compared to others accounts of falling asleep at desks and such! It's definitely harder when I work til 2am but manageable. The 20 minute drive home is not fun. Still, all in all I think I've escaped lightly and pray this continues.

Had my anatomy ultrasound today. Drove through the freak April snow storm to see my little blob had turned into a thumb sucking tiny boy... So amazing. He's measuring 95th percentile for growth and that puts him 8 days ahead of his due date. At this stage I'm happy for him to be bigger. I hope he slows down as we go on though as I fear he may run out of space in my unicorn uterus. He's breach right now. Obviously it's way early for that to matter but my gut has told me that I'll end up with a c section. It makes me wonder if this is the comfiest spot for him to be in.

Been feeling him move since about 14.5 weeks although it took me a week and a half to be sure that's what it was. The feeling has changed from a tickle to a combination of thuds and tickles. I love them all! I can't even imagine how weird it will feel as he gets bigger.

Worked on my baby registry today too. It was on the way home and gave a break from driving in the snow. Also meant that the store was empty so could really test drive the stuff in peace! Gonna hit the yard sales and see what I can get second hand with some exceptions (car seat, stroller etc). It's all feeling very real and wonderfully exciting. Have mini moons planned to have some fun before I am too tired to have fun. Can't wait to bring him on adventures!

 I think it's finally sinking in that I'm actually having a baby.

Day 120, the soul arrives...

There is a belief that's common in a few eastern cultures that the human soul arrives on day 120 of gestation. Having done ivf and being very sure of the age of my child I can say confidently that today is his 120th day of existence.

Whilst none of these cultures can be claimed as my own I have a good friend who has been excited about this day since I told her my news some weeks ago! We have a lunch date planned as part of our celebration and I know that she was up at 4am doing some ritual that welcomed his tiny soul into the world. I know this because she sent me a text and a picture of the sun rising announcing the day.

I am enjoying this belief. I wonder about the soul and today feels like a good day for it to arrive. I feel like it's all becoming more real, planning a baby shower, feeling tiny tickles within me.

Last night when I was driving home at around 11.30pm I saw a shooting star ahead of me. I witnessed its beginning, its end and the trail it left. It was so bright! It seemed so close that I wondered how it had missed the earth. I thought to myself "he has arrived!" And last night I slept so well, so calmly and worried about nothing.

Welcome little boy.

12 weeks

I can't believe I'm getting to write this but I've actually made it to 12 weeks. The magical number where people start making Facebook announcements and telling everyone they meet...

Not quite there yet. In fact Facebook won't be getting any announcements until there's an actual, real life baby here.

So far so good. I'd consider myself lucky. No sickness but some queasyness that has been very easy to live with. The fatigue was manageable. I work nights so I can be lazy during the day and have a nap and use my energies at work. Even done ok with the 2am nights. I think my biggest pregnancy symptom has been food aversion. subsisted on bread, cakes, cheese and apples for a few weeks there!  Seems to have passed now thankfully. My mother has been wonderful juicing for us and preparing meals which I may or may not turn down. Still living with her as my house is not finished being renovated. (6 months now but it has to be finished in 10 days!)

Have had trouble finding an obgyn. The first one i went to was so scatty and unorganized. She had me get undressed for a pap, dressed again for an ultrasound but then remembered that I was too early for an abdominal ultrasound so had me get undressed again for an internal. Got in there then saw I had a full bladder (I'd been with her 2 hours at this point) and made me go to the bathroom naked w a sheet wrapped around me. Finally saw baby! She had never heard of what I have and was very dismissive and didn't offer me any extra care which my RE said I would need. All in all I felt very uncomfortable leaving my unborn child in her care. Meeting two new ones at the end of the month. Hopefully I will like the lady at the new clinic as its so much cleaner and has parking which is key!

I'm so happy but still flat about being pregnant. Trying to enjoy my pregnancy and not indulge the constant fear that my malformed uterus is going to spit this child out before it's cooked. Belly has started to pop which I'm happy for. Nobody can see it yet but I've had to change my wardrobe for work to flowier options. Want to wait til end of month before making the announcement there. Enjoying my lovely secret just a little longer.

7 weeks and a heartbeat!

Sorry for the delay in a post... It's not that I didn't think about it or want to do it, more that I was letting the world play out without having another blog post about my bitter disappointment.

So luckily, this is actually about my cautious joy at being currently 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant and being witness to the tiny little snowflakes beating heart not once, but twice!

It hasn't been totally smooth of course. I peed on a stick 5 days after transfer and got my faint, squinter of a positive. As I freaked myself out that the lines weren't getting darker quick enough I finally pulled my beta forward a day as patience was not on my side! A nice beta of 115 if I recall correctly. Second beta followed and was 465.

I had a small bleed on Christmas Day which I was very calm about but a few days later, out to dinner with a friend and I had a big bleed! I thought it was all over. I was sure I'd lost a pregnancy again but an ultrasound the next day at 5 wk 4 days showed a strong heartbeat instead of the empty uterus I'd imagined. Probably the most amazing and unexpected thing I've ever seen in my life.

Since then all has been well. I've not had a single "oh shit!" Moment. I've spent so long getting here that I just don't have time for second thoughts. This little kid needs to get here in one healthy piece to recieve so much love. I can't believe it's happening. I'm so excited to get a belly. Now my biggest challenge is to stay grounded and make this next 5 weeks go fast. I think I'll really relax after I hit the magic 12 week mark.

Oh and so far my symptoms are manageable. Mild nausea and boobs that done feel like they belong on this body!

Signs and sh*t

I am les than a week away from my FET - a PGD tested normal embryo with an over 50% chance of success. I guess I should be feeling excited, maybe confident but I just feel paralyzed by fear of failure. I know it's not healthy, that disappointment is my middle name and I should entirely be used to the process by now but I guess that I'm not. 

I have been in pain for the past few weeks. My stomach contracting in the area where my Uterus is and also Ive been plagued by the worse reflux I have ever experienced. I went to the Dr and the pills for GERD helped a little but not entirely.  I then went to my uterus massage lady who spent an hour on my abdomen. Turns out that my IBS (triggered by stress, break up and FET no doubt) had caused an inflammation in part of my colon and my uterus was stuck on it. By the end of the hour my pain had gone and 3 days later my reflux has almost vanished! My uterus no longer hurts and I can feel that everything is moving as it should. I'm so glad I found her and that I feel my body is at last ready to accept my little embryo. 

So anyways, I've been thinking about all the signs that have happened since my ttc journey began. My 3rd iui would have led to a baby born perfectly by the end of the year, it also occurred right as I watched my friend lose his fight to cancer. I felt sure that his loss entitled me to a child to fill the sad space he left in my life. I was ovulating from the correct side. 3 follicles. His name on billboards (a car dealership bears his name) visible from the hospital window as my iui took place. It didn't work. 

Transfers that would have led to good news on birthdays, Christmas and other holidays always failed. A song on the radio on my way back from a FET singing about babies and miracles would feel like a sign. License plates reading baby1!  And finally pregnant I went to see the heartbeat on the anniversary of my friends passing convinced that the universe couldn't deal me two blows on the same date. That this was finally a good sign. Alas. There was no heartbeat. Two lost heartbeats on the same day. How cruel fate is. 

And now. Another transfer... Want to know the signs? If I POAS on what would have been the due date of my miscarried child I will know whether I'm pregnant or not. And if it takes? My child will share its due date with my estranged sister. 

I know now that signs mean nothing at all and that my child will be mine when it's ready to get here. Signs don't mean shit and the world is a cruel place. All I can do is keep on wishing for my corner of happiness.