Awaiting my FET

I've managed to enjoy the last couple of weeks in a genuine fashion.  

When the nurse asked me about trying this cycle I hesitated and then confessed it was because I just wanted to be able to enjoy one week where I could have a couple of glasses of wine and act like a normal woman enjoying the Summer!  She told me that I could go ahead and indulge... that the embryo's were safe and that so long as I stopped drinking when I started progesterone I'd be just fine!

So, whilst alcohol isn't the be all and end all to having a good time and I certainly don't drink very much it was nice to be able to go out and socialize without having to make up excuses as to why I wouldn't have a glass of wine.  Admittedly, it takes me an hour + to drink one glass so I'm no bartenders dream client anyways!  

What have I done with my week of freedom?  I've seen live music, been to the beach, dipped in the ocean at 3am, had a house filled with lovely guests and gone to bed waaaay too late and enjoyed every second.   Still telling nobody that I'm popping estrogen pills and wearing a patch on my abdomen in preparation for my FET later next month.   It's incredible how much better I feel with nobody knowing.  The pressure is off in a way I can't quite explain.  

I've even asked friends not to talk to me about it whilst I'm taking a break (other than fellow SMC's with whom I'm happy to talk!)

So next week I go for my blood work and ultrasound to ensure that I haven't ovulated (I still can't wrap my head around why they don't just follow the natural cycle of the body but I guess they're the experts!)  Then it's back on the Crinone and transfer a few days later.  

And then, once again, I wait.  

First IVF fail.

So there it is.  My first try with IVF was a no go.  

Progesterone is a cruel bitch. Impossibly sore breasts, cramps and fatigue.  I told myself the whole time it was just the progesterone but I had this little bit of hope behind it which was dashed 6 days post transfer when I awoke with no symptoms.  I just knew then it had failed.  

Not being a tester I found myself unable to wait it out and bought an FRER.  Obviously negative.  If I'd have waited for the nurse to call the next day with the Beta results I'd have been on my way to work.   I needed time to digest on my own.

I slept for 3 days and worked in the gaps where I was awake.  By the 4th day I had a friend in town and made plans to cheer myself up.  I did not cry. 

An IVF fail was so much worse for me than an IUI fail.  Not least because I've sunk so much financially into it but more because it feels like the end of the line.  

I have taken comfort in the fact that so many people go on to have success with FETs (and I have 3 embryo's in the freezer!)  At $3250 a try that's no joke either.  Once these 3 are used up that may be all I can do and that terrifies me.  

I had my follow up appointment with my RE (is that what you call the IVF Dr?)  and he said that he sees no reason why this wouldn't work for me.  I respond well to everything and my endometrial lining is good.  He said that he believes one of those frozen embies has a very good chance of becoming a baby.  

It's just getting hard to become hopeful you know?

I considered taking a break for a month so I could enjoy the Summer but my Mother convinced me... "You're in it now so you may as well keep going".  So here I am.  I've told everyone I'm taking a break to get the meds out of my system.  EVERYONE!  Except my Mother and a real life SMC friend.  And anyone reading this blog.  It'll be nice to do it without friends asking me about it.  I've not felt like this before now, however lately I've felt people's sympathy more than their hope that it'll work next time.  Like me, they all thought IVF would be my magical solution.  

So onwards I go to a private attempt at FET!  Estrace started and a patch is on my belly complete with a piece of cat hair I just found stuck to it.  Lovely!  

Will enjoy some wine this weekend as the nurse told me I can't do any harm and my transfer isn't til 2nd week of August.  The waiting game has begun.        

Transfer complete!

The transfer has happened... I am now carrying a tiny little embryo and hoping beyond hope that it finds a good place to rest and makes a Mother out of me. 

I've done all I can do and now I wait for 9 long days to see if this little blob becomes a baby!

It's totally mind blowing that this could be the first picture of a human that comes to being... and even if it doesn't, this is the way my child will come to me.  I'll have a picture just like this of it.  

I never knew that I could think a blob could be so perfect looking...  

Now time to distract myself. 

 

Retrieval...

I had my retrieval yesterday.  I was a bag of nerves.  I'm such a wuss mentally about general anesthetic but then when I saw how quickly the lady in front of me was 'processed' I started to relax a bit.

I was very impressed with the customer service... I got to meet the anesthesiologist, the surgeon, the assisting nurses and the lab technician who was fertilizing the eggs.  The nurse found my vein pretty quickly (miracle!) and generally they all put me at ease... 

Before I knew it I was out of surgery and dreaming that I was at work.  They retrieved 8 eggs and I found out today that 7 of them successfully fertilized.  I'm very happy with those odds!  

They're hoping that my little embryo's will make it to blast so that would mean that my transfer will be on Tuesday.  I'm tentatively scheduled for Sunday just in case 3 day is my option.  My fingers, toes and yes, legs are firmly crossed that I have some left to freeze so that I hopefully don't have to go through this again.  

IVF is such a miracle to me.  I remember being a child and hearing about test tube babies and thinking it sounded so peculiar and amazing.  Little did I know that all these years later I would be benefiting from this very technology.  

So here's to my little embryo's... sending all of my positive energy to make them strong enough to come and hang out in my uterus for 9 months!

My internal testicles.

I'm in full swing... been injecting my poor belly daily for 11 days now.  First day was scary... I was so scared to do something wrong but thanks to the power of Google I was able to find a video that wasn't confusing.  Now I'm a pro.

The shots at the start (follistim with menopur) aren't bad at all... you barely feel them.  Side effects were minimal for the first 10 days... then they added Cetrotide to stop me from Ovulating early.  It stings after you inject it and it's a much bigger shot... goes bright red and lumpy!  Today was my last day of that which is when they informed me that it is a lot less uncomfortable if you ice the area down first for 5 mins... OMG... night and day... was so much easier today and didn't feel as though I'd been stung by 100 wasps... (just 2!)  So remember that tip if you ever need it!

Yesterday I had a meltdown at work over something very trivial.  I'm usually a pro at checking my problems at the door.  My boss smelled a rat and wanted to know if I would like to talk about it.  I told her (sobbed more like) what I'm doing, about how irrationally hormonal I feel and that I've no control over my tears apparently.  She was so relieved and happy!  Amazingly supportive... so now I no longer have to worry about taking time off for the retrieval or anything else that may come up.  I've been there for 5 years and gone through a lot in that time and never cracked... she actually found it quite amusing... particularly as I'm mortified that my emotions are so close to the surface right now!  

I'm glad that's out in the open... meanwhile I feel like I have two giant testicles inside me that are thumping their way out... which is good news as it means that my follicles are nice and big and my ovaries are stretching.  I look slightly pregnant and sucking in my poor bruised stomach is not an option.

Still doing acupuncture... last shots today... triggering tomorrow and the retrieval on Thursday.  I remain scared but also excited to get this show on the road.  

I hope it works, i.hope.it.works, ihopeitworks!   

Moving Forward...

I've been quiet because I've been in a holding pattern and have been coming to terms with the fact that the journey to conception is not going to be as easy as I thought.  

I made appointments with two IVF clinics so that I could select the one that was the best fit for me.  I ended up cancelling the second one because I loved the first one so much and also because they wanted me to FAX everything to them.  They refused to accept scanned and emailed documents.  I told them that I got rid of my Fax machine in the 90's and wasn't about to get one now... I don't even have a land line and have tried to turn my PC into a fax machine before with no success.

I digress... my chosen clinic made me feel really good about everything.  They weren't daunted by my strange Uterus... just said that they'd only transfer single embryo's.  He's happy with my numbers, doesn't put too much credence in AMH and said that there was no need to do PGD.  Said that the cost doesn't outweigh the risks or the benefits.  Fine with me.

I had to take out financing because I've blown through my savings and didn't have the extra 8000 hanging around that I needed to make this happen.  

I didn't have to take birth control pills which I was so happy about as they've never much agreed with me - started on Estrace about a week ago and currently awaiting my period (due yesterday.)  So typical that it would be late when I'm normally clockwork.  Wondering if it might be the Estrace that's set it back?  Once it arrives everything sets in motion... start Follistim and Menopur injections and then the monitoring etc.

I'm nervous... all my eggs are in this basket so to speak and I'm petrified that it will fail...

I keep telling myself one day at a time... it's all I can do.  So my fingers and toes (but not my legs) are crossed... I'll update a little more now that something is happening.  

 

Another Setback

Went for my ultrasound today to see how the clomid worked for me... the right side is happily displaying 5 lovely follicles ready to produce eggs that go into the void of uselessness.  The left side is sleeping with just 2 under 12mm.  

I give up... have called and made an appointment with an IVF clinic.  I can't afford CCRM... I don't have the heart to do another 3 IUI's doomed for failure in order that I can qualify (If I were to marry someone that is) for IVF to be covered.  So I'm just gonna take out a loan and be broke. 

No idea how to judge the SART statistics.  Been told that those stats are so dependent on a lot of factors that take some major research.  I figure that my numbers are all pretty good and I know that my ovaries work... I just have to hope that I get lucky.  I have 2 vials of my donor in storage so I figure I'll use those for IVF and go from there.  If you had IVF on the East coast of USA let me know if you have a good recommendation that doesn't cost $20,000 a pop...

Just want to get this ball rolling now as I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take.